Healing from trauma is a lifetime of work and dedication. Hi, my name is Cindy. I have started this blog to be more like a diary. I share my thoughts and experiences and joys so that I may touch just one heart out there. I won’t claim to know it all, as I am not a doctor. But what this is will be my own experience of trauma and recovery. And maybe a friend whom can share their wisdom as well. We are all walking this same journey in life. But all of our paths are different. I believe in oneness. I believe we are connected. Trauma doesn’t have to be huge to be trauma. Just being born can be a traumatic experience. Let’s talk about this and see where it goes.
So, yes, his name is Bobber. But he looks at me when I call him “Buddy”. I think I need to change his name.
Bobber has definitely settled in his new home. Oh he still won’t let me touch him, but he does have a certain amount of trust in me. Last night he sat on my feet when I was in bed. That’s as much touching we have had. When he realized he was touching me he moved. He moved to the spare bed and slept at the end closest to me. So, we were pretty much sleeping head to head, because I usually sleep on that side.
Bobber loves to play. He also likes to nose around at everything in the apartment.
ChatGPT has been very helpful to me. I’ve never adopted a cat before. I’ve always gotten cats as kittens. I found out this guy is actually 1 year and 7 months old, according to the paperwork I’ve been reading. I don’t know much about his background yet, other than he came from Texas.
Cyng
I didn’t write this post in one sitting. So, I have more news. Bobber will now touch my finger with his nose. But he’s still a snubber. That’s what I really should name him; “Snubber”. He’s pretty acclimated to his new home, but I think he wonders when he’s moving again.
He did find his happy place on the spare bed. After I washed the comforter I just threw it on the bed to make later. Well, he’s made that comforter his little nest, so I better not move it now. What I really should do is move it closer to me and my bed, forcing him to lay by me. But I probably won’t do that. I don’t want to mess up the habits he’s gotten used to in the new home. Maybe at a later date.
I brought home some catnip and a toy for my buddy, Bobber. Now, we are almost best friends. After I shot the video he came out from under the bed to give me the once over.
Cyng
That cat has a unique, mystical personality. There is something about him I find very intriguing. He reminds me of ….well… a little of myself I guess! Very shy, slow to warm up, observant from a distance. I form my opinions from simply observing. And so does Bobber. I know he’s not afraid of me. He never runs away. He just looks at me and goes about his business. If I move too fast, he’s alert. But not kiddish. Just watching from a distance.
A friend gave me some treats for him and I throw some on the floor every now and then. He likes to chase them, catch them and eat them just like real mice. He treats them like a game. He’ll run up to one piece, bat at it then eat it. I’m truly trying hard to get this cat to let me touch him, but so far I have not been successful. He’s not as shy as he was before. He comes out and hangs around the house. Wandering and looking things over. It also appears he’s using my spare bed for his new sleep quarters. He must’ve got bored hiding under my bed. I mean there’s not much to intrigue his mind. 🤔it’s only a studio apartment. Anyway, He’ll get used to me and closed areas just fine. I wonder about the piano 😄😂🥴if I could teach him how to play the piano. 😄 I’ve got a good sized keyboard under my bed. I originally got it for the two grandsons, but I guess they’ve outgrown it and mom was going to throw it away.! I said “Oh no. If they don’t want it anymore I will find someone that does “. Lo and behold it was me 🥴.
Now what? One thing at a time.
Bobber: Cyng
Onto a totally different subject, I did something pretty dang weird in the middle of the night. Sleep walking.
I woke up at some point in the middle of the night and fixed myself a plate to eat, which must’ve been done in my sleep! I Found an uneaten peeled avocado on a plate with a bar of soap on the plate as well! I did wake from my slumber when I took a bite of soap! Ugh! Yuck 🤢! It woke me no doubt! I woke up to chewing on a piece of the soap. I almost puked and couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth for the rest of the night! I ate a lot of toast, crackers and drank a whole bunch of milk to try and rid the burning and taste in my mouth from that soap. And yes, it was giving me a belly ache and citrus essential oil in my mouth! I was up most of the night trying to rid my mouth of the grossest picture. I do not recommend people EATING it. I got a chemical burn on the entire inside of my mouth I had to go to the dang doctor, EMBARRASSING.
I don’t recommend this kind of punishment on children at all!
Has a parent ever eaten as much soap as they’ve made their child eat?? I bet not. All I am going to say about soap is: It’s only good for the things it’s supposed to be good for and that does not include putting soap in the mouth, because somebody is acting bad. There are millions of ways, thoughts, ideas to get a child to do/or don’t do what you want. care what bad words they says, or whatever. There is absolutely no reason for soap in the mouth.
Oh! Boy the way, Bobber did come lay on my bed with me today. He slept at the foot but that’s great progress! I’m so happy we are coming along.
Okay, I have to be honest, I already love this guy and I just got him yesterday. I still have yet for him to approach me. He ate a little food last night, but hasn’t touched anything all day today. He’s been under my bed, at the end of it, hiding in my blankets on the floor. Do I think this is odd? No. I’ve just never seen it before. A cat that cuddles blankets. I won’t call him skittish. I call him shy. He’s come out a few times, looks at me and slinks back to his hiding. Probably because I can’t keep my mouth shut. I try to talk to him, plus, I am looking at him and I know he’d rather be ignored for now. So I’m trying to keep things cool.
Well, Bobber eventually came out to eat. It took a lot of ignoring him to get him to go to the food dish. But he eventually did. I’m very happy about that. It tells me he’s starting to feel a bit more comfortable around here. Of course, he keeps an eye on me at all times.
I can tell he’s a friendly cat, just very shy. I guess I didn’t introduce him to the litter box correctly, he used my spare bed as a litter box instead of the litter box. I asked ChatGPT (she’s such a smart lady) how to get him to use his litter box. She told me to take the door off temporarily and if that doesn’t work then take the whole top off temporarily. She also said I could try moving it closer to him along with his food. But I’m getting really frustrated. He keeps trying to go back to that spot on the bed and sniffing it out. I guess I’ll just put the dang box on the bed for now. Along with his food dish. We will see if that works.
Cyng
And awwwe, we got success right away! Such a good boy! If you can see, his tail is sticking out and he’s using the box. I bet he feels a tremendous amount of urine relief. And he’s doing a great job covering his mess up, he’s been in there scratching away! I’m pretty proud of him.
Lastly, this cat is the quietest cat I’ve ever owned. This guy didn’t say a peep on the way home in the car or in the kennel. He did make quite a bit of noise during our meet and greet at PetSmart, but I haven’t heard a word from him since.
And once again, this smart guy used his litter box!
I’d like to introduce you to my newly adopted guy, Bobber. He got his name because the add said “Bobert”, but his name was actually “Robert”. I decided on “Bobber”, because this guys is like a fish.
When I first got him home I left him in the crate for about an hour to let him acclimate. He was hiding under the blanket at the time. I’ve never known a cat to do that. Nor to be so quiet in a kennel, a car and sneaking around the house. I love this guy already. You just gotta watch his mannerisms.
I’m telling you out loud, right now, I plan to feed this cat well. He’s long and lanky. Needs some meat on his bones.
He’s a very curious kitten (7 months old). After our little “incident” he’s been out more.
Which brings me to the “incident”: So, I probably didn’t let Bobber out of the crate for about an hour after we got home. He was still hiding in his blanket and I wanted him to feel as comfortable as possible coming to a new home.
When I let him out I brought him straight to his litter box, which is covered. I wanted him to recognize it. He sat in there for about 3-5 minutes, then came out and ventured off. The last place I saw him go was the bathroom.
Well, some time had passed and I started to get curious as to where he’d be hiding. I assumed under my bed, but he was nowhere to be found. I looked everywhere. And although I knew he couldn’t have run off, I still worried.
I did my best to brush it off, convincing myself he will show his face eventually. So I began making myself some supper on the stove and in the oven. When I was done with my cooking I got a phone call from a friend. I told my friend I hadn’t seen Bobber for quite some time now and I had looked everywhere I could possibly think of. My friend asked if I’d checked behind the stove. He proceeded to tell me about a friend of his loosing his cat and finding it three (3) months later behind his stove! I didn’t think of that and began to panic as I had just used the stove. My friend calmed me down as I was freaking out. He told me to shut the breaker off for the stove, so I did. I then pulled the stove out and there was my buddy, hunkered down in the corner of the sink cabinets. I couldn’t believe it. He slinked off when I tried to approach him. That cat gave me a scare!
I did thank my friend for walking me through my panic. And I was incredibly panicked! I rearranged my stove so hopefully he can’t get around it at all anymore.
I do already love Bobber. We have a sort of agreement. He looked at me a few times while he was sneaking around here and his look was like, “Hey, I won’t bother you if you don’t bother me. Let’s just go about business as usual”. So I agreed, as long as he stays away from the stove!
I think he’s hiding under my bed now…. But I should probably check. That’s where I thought he was hiding when I found him around the stove!
This is a big word to chew on, but I think I’ve been regressing the past three (3) weeks. I don’t know what’s causing it, but I am noticing.
One thing I’ve noticed for sure is I’m shuffling cards again, several times a day. I don’t know what’s causing this or what I’m looking for(?). I guess I’m trying to get my mind to think on other things besides ruminating all night over crazy stuff. Or… I’m trying to read my own mind. My thoughts are so disorganized.
I again woke up at 1am. Same nightmare. Same unsafe feeling.
One positive note: I finally said my peace to this person. I didn’t go into a lot of detail, just that I now know what he meant when he said everything that happened to me was his fault. I had to do my own detective work to figure out just what he meant. After talking with other friends of mine whom were also affected I now know, when he said everything he meant everything. I could’ve said a lot more to him, but you know, messages can get too long and I’m not calling him over the phone.
I also told him how he’s affected my life and sense of safety. I’m glad I got that out. Maybe NOW I CAN MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE (?). There is so much more I’d like to say. But I better just keep the rest to myself. I don’t think he’s a person that handles criticism too easily. So I’m afraid to say too much out of fear of retaliation. All I know is I don’t hang around evil people. I told him that too (not the evil part, but that I don’t hang around people who play so dirty).
The message did give me some relief.
You know, now that I think about it, I shuffle cards whenever there is a full moon. For about three (3) days my intuition is really strong, which makes reading cards easier for me. And it seems to me, I noticed the other morning the moon was full as the sun was starting to appear. That could be where my sudden interest to read cards again came from. I don’t do it on purpose. It just seems during full moons the cards call out to me, saying read me! And after the fact I notice a full moon. I’ve actually been recording some of them and find it very interesting when I watch it back. It’s like things pop out even after just watching them. It’s given me ah-ha moments a lot.
We are out of January and onto February. I am slowly perking up with this increase in temperature we’ve been experiencing. Not that it’s been incredibly warm, but after having below 0 temps 19 degrees feels pretty good. I even washed my car at 19 degrees. But that’s because the sun has been out and I was sure to wipe down my door jams after running through the washer so they wouldn’t freeze on me.
Anyway, that’s about all I have to say at this present moment. I hope everybody has a wonderful day.
I’m am getting incredibly frustrated with this lack of sleeping due to nightmares. I’ve been waking up around 1-1:30am every night for the past three (3) weeks now because of this recurring nightmare I keep having. The nightmare is real, as in, it is something that happened in the past that I don’t like talking about or even thinking about. But it bubbles out in my dreams.
I have been clean from meth for almost six (6) years, but it still affects me in several ways. Nightmares are one of them. Nightmares have become a normal way of life for me. The past three (3) weeks though have been really rough, as I’m unable to fall back to sleep.
I still live in fear. That man really messed me up. My sense of safety has been totally fractured. I’m afraid of the dark now. I never used to be. I’m paranoid about my electronics all the time. Even with a new phone that he’s never had access to. Every off the wall thing that happens makes me think he has something to do with it.
I do know that the best healing is when I feel nothing about it at all. Ive still got a long ways to go.
I’m hoping this PE therapy helps/works. Unfortunately, I’ve got to reschedule all of my appointments, because of a change in work hours.
I’m still pretty angry. It’s pretty sad that a person can’t be open and honest in the first place. He never asked me to date him. He never asked. I figured we were just ….. drug/F buddies. I know that doesn’t say much about me, but it’s the truth. Meth makes you do weird things. Thank God I got out of it within two (2) years. Who knows where I’d be today.
On a brighter note:
Cyng
I did something Saturday night that I haven’t done in ….. at least ten (10) years. I hosted a dinner party. I think maybe this is a slight sign of healing (?). I am so proud of myself that I could push through the anxiety that normally engulfs me.
There were a total of six (6) of us in my tiny apartment. But we made it work. Some people brought chairs, so it worked out perfect.
We made shrimp Alfredo with Angel Hair pasta and Texas cheese bread. It was very delicious. 🤤
I’m already planning and preparing for my next dinner party. I’ve made plans with a friend to have T-bone steak that was given to me by another friend for helping her after her back surgery …
Gee, I’m realizing I really do have friends. And that is another reason to be grateful.
Anyway, I feel very accomplished today. I washed my clothes and took a shower before work. After work I ran to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. From there I ran to my daughter’s house to borrow her vacuum (I still have yet to afford one). I washed my car, then I came home and tackled my floor. Now it’s nice and shiny clean. I used doTerra’s on guard essential oil and dawn dish soap, so it smelled somewhat of cinnamon. Like I said, I feel very accomplished. All that, and I even worked in between.
It helps when the weather is nice. It really lifts my mood. I mean, it wasn’t that nice, but warmer than it has been the past week. And I think it’s supposed to be nice now for the next week. Fingers crossed 🤞.
I normally have trouble sleeping, but this past week has been the worst. I wake up about 1am from nightmares and am unable to fall back to sleep.
I am now convinced that everything that happened to me during the incident was real. I’ve spoken to some of my friends and was given more details about what was happening on their phones during the incident. Now I know it was all real. God must’ve thought I wasn’t ready to hear the truth before now.
I also asked ChatGPT if chrome cast can get hacked into and she said it sure can. She explained how and what the hacker (or prankster) can do once they’ve hacked into it. They can stream YouTube videos, tarot was especially mentioned. Of course ChatGPT said it would be done as a prank. Some prank.
So, what do I do with this new information? Nothing. There’s nothing I can do about it, it was too long ago. But, at least now I know I wasn’t crazy. I knew the truth back then, and I know the truth now. That man really did me dirty. The whole time I was blaming the wrong person.
I don’t think I will ever forgive him. I feel his apology was half ass. He wouldn’t tell me specifically what he did. But now I know. He did everything. That’s what he admitted to. Everything.
If this person would have communicated his feelings to me things may be different right now. He never asked me to be his girlfriend. We were both on meth. Everybody knows meth Ramps up your sex drive. For all I knew he was messing around with somebody all those times I couldn’t get ahold of him. I had no idea what was going on between us. But he told me he loved me all the time. The whole time this garbage was going on. But he was never available when I needed him.
I do believe this is a new start for me. I feel …. Settled. I still wish people would believe me, but in the long run it really doesn’t matter. I know the truth, and I still have my daydreams.
Cyng – Quotes Creator
Now that I know the truth I feel like I can actually complete a book on it. Because now I have an ending.
I am learning that I am not as far along on my healing path as I had thought. I still get easily triggered. My way of dealing with the issue has been to avoid it. My therapist and I are at a standstill. She feels we can go no further until I get some specialized help. She referred me to Prolonged Exposure Therapy. I don’t know what that means, but I missed their phone call and did call back, only to leave a message in return. That was yesterday.
I don’t like to talk to people about what happened to me during those two years I was on meth. It’s embarrassing. It’s unbelievable. I can’t get over it. It’s beyond explanation. And because I think there was some truth to the delusions, that makes it even harder. To decipher fact from fiction. It seems this man has me right where he wants me. Always wondering.
Honestly, I’m scared to death of this man. I believe he holds grudges. And gets even in real shady ways. And gets away with it. And his ways were really shady. Mean. And when he finally got busted in August 2023 he called me a month later to apologize for everything that happened to me, saying everything was his fault. But when I asked him specifically what he’s apologizing for he said, “Just know that everything you went through was my fault”. But without him being specific, I don’t know what to think. There was a lot that happened.
Those two years made me realize how secluded I had been my whole life. I used to take people at face value. What they say is what they mean. Now, I feel like I have to read between the lines to catch the real meaning. For example: You say you love me. But your actions show you don’t have time for me. So, how can you say you love me?
It takes me a very long time to trust people. I mean, probably, like a year. A year of constant communication. People don’t like that. I can’t help it. I have a pretty big bubble. I like my space. At least right now. Right now I choose me.
Most people call what I have nick knacks. But I call them alters.
Cyng
This is my first alter. This is my prayer for my family. I pray for peace for my family. It holds pictures of my family with a tea light candle. I burn one every night.
Cyng
This is my second alter. It has a Himalayan salt lamp that was given to me from the person whom introduced me to meth. The drum on the wall I made myself. It makes a fabulous sound.
To the right, I have a white angel candle from a friend of mine whom died of brain cancer. You can also see his small urn, given to me and I am so appreciative.
The back flow incense burner was given to me by a friend whom, at this time is not speaking to me.
Cyng
This is my third alter. I consider this one my own prayer for myself. It may sound selfish, but I believe in prayer for my own well being. It has a small singing bowl, which I can play. It also has petrified wood on the top, it’s for grounding, stability, protection, transformation and connecting to ancestors.
It has Amazonite, which is known as the stone for courage and truth.
Malachite, symbolizes change, protection and renewal.
Lastly, Carnelian, known for courage, creativity and motivation.
The bottom of the alter has several stones. Rose quartz, which we all know is unconditional love. Amethyst for healing.
Then we have Lapis Lazuli, Selenite, Amethyst, Snowflake Obsidian and Tigers Eye in a holder.
Lapis Lazuli is about intuition. It centers on truth, wisdom and enlightenment.
Selenite is for purity, peace and high spiritual vibration.
Amethyst again is healing and is a good stone for sobriety.
Snowflake Obsidian is for purity, balance and protection.
Tigers Eye strength, courage, protection and good luck.
The link hanging on the wall above this table is the seven (7) chakras.
Oh, I almost forgot the citrine stone and the mahogany jasper stone.
Yellow Citrine is for Joy, abundance and prosperity. The mahogany stone is for grounding, strength, protection and spiritual growth.
It also has three (3) gems on the bottom shelf I got from one of my grandkids.
Cyng
This alter is a prayer for peace for my enemies. It holds Flourite, for clarity, focus and harmony. Polychrome Jasper for joy, vitality, grounding and passion. Rhodinite helps to reduce and suppress anxiety. This is also known as a love stone, but refers more to healing old wounds, forgiveness and peace in a loving way.
Orca Agate is known for transformation, courage and inner peace.
And lastly Bloodstone activates our inner strength, willpower and courage that’s been masked by fear.
Besides those we have stones that resonate with garnet and obsidian. Love passion, commitment and protection. Obsidian resonates with protection, warding off negative energies and psychic attacks.
Garnet possesses love, passion, commitment and protection.
Lastly, a healing stone.
Cyng
This last alter is my prayer for world peace. It holds a glass sphere with a light under it for showing off. Top shelf Chevron Amethyst providing enhanced spiritual insight, balance and protection. Angelite is for keeping contact with your angelic guides and Sunstone for joy.
The second shelf holds Kambaba Jasper for nurturing and grounding, a purple crystal ball and Black Tourmaline for protection.
Bottom shelf holds Sodalite, which is for clear communication, intuition and spiritual growth. Howlite for tranquility, patience and stress relief. And lastly, Volcanic Agate, which is good deep emotional healing, self forgiveness, protection and inner peace.
And that is my alters in a nutshell. They all mean a lot to me.
That is a Himalayan Salt Lamp I finally got out of storage. What a treasure it was to find. And I’m glad I was able to find a spot for it in my apartment. You may also notice another new addition as well.
I finally figured out what makes me sneeze so much in the mornings. I think I’m allergic to dry coffee grounds. I finally caught myself sneezing up a storm while making coffee this morning. Looking back, I see a pattern.
I went back to storage today and picked up some more treasures. I’m already preparing for another alter. I picked up a thinner 3-drawer tote from storage today. Again, a great treasure to find. It wasn’t as full as I had imagined I’d left it, so I was able to put all of my incense, sage, purpose candles, etc. in it. This gives it great purpose.
I also ran across a devotional a friend of mine from outpatient treatment gave me back in February 2021. It’s called, “A Grandmother’s Guide to Praying For Her Family”, by Nancy Ann Yeager. Below is what I read today:
A Grandmother’s Guide to Praying for Her Family by Nancy Ann Yaeger. Pg 13
All this nostalgia has been wonderful, yet triggering. As I bring this stuff out from the past it seems each piece reminds me of something. Where I was when I first grew interest, and what state of mind was I in (?).
I remember getting this devotional. But at the time I was so wrapped up in myself I put it aside. Now, 4-5 years later, it means something to me. And that’s how I believe life goes.
Back to my original thought: This 3-drawer tote has a top to it (of course). I’m trying to decide what kind of alter I can put on it. I love alters. And they all mean something special and different to me…. It’s like lining my wishes up all in a row 🤔 😁.
Cyng
I can’t blame these interests on meth anymore. I had these interests prior to meth coming along, I just never practiced them. I was afraid of what people would think of me. I come from a very conservative community. I do believe in God, and Jesus, and that because of what Jesus did I can now go to God with no shame.
I’ve been on both sides of the coin and I would say it’s all the same. It’s just called all kinds of different names.
Even in the Bible Jesus is described as the High Priest. So, to me, it’s all just a different word for the same thing.
Cyng
4:44 you are surrounded and protected by your angels.
I’m still trying to come up with an idea for an alter. What can I pray about…. ?
Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace in the world. Peace for my family and friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray.
Maybe my alter should pertain to peace ☮️ 🤔…..
I ran across an item that really reminded me of the man who introduced me to methamphetamine. I threw the item away. It was a one (1) stem blue glass flower vase. I had a hard time letting it go. But that’s only because it reminds me of him. He was a vase collector. I think I got that vase from him. Or, I bought it for him and he didn’t like it. OR, I bought it for myself. Whatever the story, after taking it out of the garbage three (3) times and putting it back, I DID walk away from it.
Haha. Okay, so I took it out of the dumpster the next day. I just happened to run into it looking for something else I accidentally threw away. I don’t have a spot for it yet, but maybe on the tote 🤔
Cyng
Anyway, that’s the vase. It needs a flower. I might have to get myself one. Unless, my lover boy reads this and gets the hint 😁.
Yes, I am seeing someone. A Capricorn ♑️. So, what’s my struggle you ask? I’m struggling because I really like him, but I don’t think he’ll put up with me for too long. I’ve still got a lot of trauma. Most of it sexual. I don’t believe I’ve been able to move past that yet. And I know people find that frustrating. But I can’t help it.
So, a friend and I stopped speaking to each other, again. I confronted her on a behavior of hers and she blocked me after that. I strongly feel like I’m dealing with someone with NPD. And sometimes I wonder if I’m trauma bonded to this relationship/friendship.
We go around and around, all of the time. She blocks me when I say something she doesn’t like. And I know she knows how I feel about people blocking people. But she wants to play that game. That’s fine. She’s not hurting my feelings anymore like she used to. I’ve actually acclimated to the treatment.
The truth is, I don’t want someone in my life like that anymore. She can’t be a friend and she can’t be a romantic. She’s controlling and manipulative. She lacks empathy and compassion, except for the compassion she has for herself. The only sad part about it is I have to end more friendships, because they were mutual friends. And, since she runs the show none of them are talking to me either. That’s a little disheartening (and NPD behavior), but I’ve gotta just let it go and move forward with my life. I can’t stand this constant back and forth. Next time I run into her I’m running in the opposite direction. I have a feeling this is our last “breakup” (though I believe a lot of people are making bets).
Our friendship has been volatile for many years. I would say ever since I divorced my second husband. That was over ten (10) years ago now. I think it’s time to give it up. Sometimes I really want to say something to her, but I know it’s just my ego talking, wanting to get the last word in. I remind myself a lot not to start anything or say anything. Because I don’t want to deal with the denial she lives in. So, we’re just going to leave things be. Let the dust settle. Time heals everything. That is something I’ve learned through all this growing. I don’t have to have the last word, I don’t have to explain myself, and I don’t have to convince anybody of anything. None of it even matters anymore.
I don’t know if I should even be talking about this, but I find some people to really be idiots. That includes me. But seriously, I have a co-worker …. This person is an idiot. I don’t know what else to say about it. She’s trying to tell me things about the job that I know are not accurate. I’ve even emailed the company to get clarification, which they did clarify. So, I tried explaining what the company told me to my co-worker. I feel like she just blew me off. So, I emailed the company again and asked that they educate her. I didn’t know what else to do about it.
On a different note, I’m struggling with this DBT class. I’m having a hard time making it week to week. I don’t know. It’s just not my gig, and I’ve come to realize that my therapist has new credentials that include being a DBT therapist. I’m thinking she put me in the group just because she’s new at it. Now, even in our individual sessions she’s talking DBT and I’d rather just tell her what’s been going on in my life. So, I’m getting bored with her too.
Doing classes online is a bit of a struggle for me. I get easily overwhelmed with the workbook I just purchased for the class. It’s the revised edition and everybody else is working in the old edition. Trying to find things in the revised edition is difficult. And the fact that we don’t just start at page one (1) makes things really confusing for me.
Cyng
Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace for the world. Peace for my family and friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. Lastly, thank you Lord for putting an end to this shutdown. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
5:55 Huge changes are rumbling throughout your life. To keep these changes positive keep your thoughts positive and stay centered in prayer and affirmations.
I have had a lot of changes lately. And so far it’s been a positive experience. It really helps that my medication is actually working. I don’t obsess over issues anymore. I’m pretty even keel, pretty laid back. I used to worry obsessively. This also seems to have slowed down.
Messages From The Guides by James Van Praagh
I pulled an oracle card and it figures I would get this one today, after my griping. Just goes to show I can be an idiot too! The card is about not judging people, because nobody is better than the other (short version). You can read it if you blow the photo up.
I can’t believe I found my back flow incense burner! I’ve been looking for this for three (3) years. I am so happy it is back in my possession.
I’ve had a few really positive days. It’s not that anything big has happened. I’ve just changed, emotionally. Not much bothers me. The things that do come across as bothersome are easily swept away. I’m not really sure what to blame the change in mindset, but I actually feel whole.
The other day…. Or I should say middle of the night the other day, I had numerous triple digits come across my phone when I looked at the time:
Cyng
Let me start by praying my prayer: Dear God. I pray for peace. Peace in the world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
1:11 This is an urgent message that your thoughts are manifesting urgently, so be mindful of your thoughts. As negative thoughts may become your reality. In just the same, positive thoughts may bring abundance.
Cyng
Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace in the world. Peace for my family and friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
3:33 You are completely surrounded, protected, loved and guided by your angels.
Cyng
Heavenly Father, I pray for peace. Peace for the world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. Amen.
12:12 spiritual meaning is spiritual alignment, growth and divine guidance. Your thoughts and actions are in harmony with your divine purpose. You are in divine alignment. You are on the right path to a spiritual awakening.
Guess what else I found:
Cyng: Angel Numbers 101 by Doreen Virtue
I thought I had thrown it away. But, once again, found. I know Doreen Virtue went through a spiritual transformation of some sort. She gave her life to Jesus, so I don’t believe she makes cards or books such as this anymore.
At one time in my life I owned over 100 decks of oracle/tarot cards. As I have progressed in my healing I’ve gotten rid of all of my cards, except maybe a handful I keep on hand, in case I feel the inspiration. One deck of oracle cards was given to me from a friend. Right now that’s my favorite deck. Mostly because it’s the only oracle deck I have now. And I, along with my brother, resonate with them at the moment.
Cyng
As I’m writing I glance at the time and what do I see? Triple digits.
Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace throughout the world. Peace for my family and friends. Peace for my enemies and peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
4:44 There are angels all around you! You are being completely loved, guided and supported by many heavenly beings, so you have nothing to fear.
Today I am very grateful, and for a lot of things. I’m grateful for my immediate family. I’m grateful for my apartment. I’m grateful just for being alive another day.
I remember when I used to smoke cigarettes. I quit in August of 2023, after smoking since I was 15 years old. I remember how I would get up at 4am in the morning for work, sit out on the deck with my cup of coffee and cigarettes and watch the sun come up and the birds wake up and life was always about starting over. A brand new day.
Now that I’ve quit smoking cigarettes my routine has changed. I don’t go outside at 4am anymore with a cup of coffee. These days I don’t even really have a set waking time. I wake up when I wake up. And instead of sitting outside with my coffee, I drink my coffee while I read my Bible, listen to meditation music, burn a candle and some incense. Pray. Once in a while I might pull three cards, hoping for inspiration. This is what starts my day now, and it can be any time of the day.
Do I miss smoking cigarettes? No. But I do miss that morning routine of getting up with my coffee and the birds. I could probably still do it, without the cigarette part. But I’ve tried it and it’s just not the same. So I just had to switch things up. Change is always good. Maybe in time I can go sit outside at 4am again without being triggered for a cigarette.
Something else I always look back at is how traumatized I was after that two year binge on methamphetamine. It took me five years to recover and actually feel like my old self again. For years I was so easily triggered. I took everything anybody said so personally. I definitely was not healed.
Istockphoto.com
And it’s not like it’s something that sticks in my mind. I mean, in my mind I may have forgiven people. But it’s the body that keeps the score. Yes, I have that book in audio. I highly recommend it to anybody trying to heal from trauma.
In my mind, I feel I have forgiven that man. The one that introduced me to methamphetamine. But I do believe my body is keeping the score. I still have bad body sensations around my memories of this person. So, even though in my mind I have forgiven him, my body is telling me something different. And it does affect my quality of life. I haven’t been able to be in a relationship since him.
And it’s really no different than the healing I’ve been trying to work on revolving around my family history. In my mind I feel like I have forgiven my parents. But again, the body is keeping the score and I still get bad body sensations around my mother mostly. My father passed away in 2009. But my mother is still alive and well for the most part. But, it’s another example of being hurt and trying to recover. I’m old enough now to start taking responsibility for my life without blaming others for my defects. These defects are mine, and now that I am an adult and have been made aware of where some of my bad habits came from, it’s about time I did something different. So I did. I quit associating with my mother and my youngest sister. They have a very toxic relationship between them and it spews out onto others if you spend too much time dealing with them. They are both very selfish. And though my mother has apologized for her past and present behavior, she doesn’t get a pass from me. An apology, to me, means change. If you’re apologizing that means you’re willing to change whatever behavior you’re apologizing for. I haven’t seen any change. So, her words are just empty to me. Besides that, I learned that I was not the only person she sent that text of apology to. Other family members got the exact same text. What even prompted it? My youngest sister was giving her the silent treatment.
It is always amazing when trauma no longer runs your life. Healing is moving forward. You may never forget the trauma, but you don’t have to let it run or ruin your life. And again, I will use the word amazing. Because it’s just amazing how time truly does heal all wounds. If you can be strong enough to fight through the pain. Not a lot of people are.
I remember feeling a lot of pain during my transformation. Healing is messy. But it’s also necessary, if you’re going to have any kind of quality of life.
Cyng
Again, Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace in the world. Peace for my family and friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. And thank you, Lord, for ending this government shutdown. You are a mighty miracle worker. And it’s in your great name I pray. Amen.
I like to believe that my last prayer to God the other day was heard and answered. praise Jesus.
I’ve had people come and go from my life on plenty of occasions and all for different reasons. I don’t necessarily believe anybody is meant to stay in your life, only long enough to teach you something you need to know about yourself or the world. People are teachers. People are messengers. And when the message has been delivered the person is no longer in your life.
God also removes you from somebody’s life because you are the toxic one. People don’t like to look at themselves, so instead blame things on some invisible entity. The truth is, if you’re not willing to work on yourself I don’t want you in my life.
Everybody has had trauma in their life at some point. Some trauma they call tiny trauma and other things they consider big trauma. My doctor diagnosed me with Complex PTSD, rather than PTSD. The reasoning is I’ve had ongoing trauma throughout my life, but most traumatic during childhood. My dad was an alcoholic whom self medicated to hide his schizophrenia. When he finally sobered up I was 16 years old. By that time the damage had already been done. But it at least explained his odd behavior.
We were the typical dysfunctional family. Everybody had their roles. I didn’t realize this until my first stint in treatment. I was 16/17 years old. My dad had quit drinking not too long before and started on medication for his schizophrenia. I always felt he was over medicated. And I blamed my mom for that too. I couldn’t help it. I could see she was getting even with him for all the suffering he caused her. But in my eyes two wrongs don’t make a right. I felt my mother was quite cruel to him, once he became ill.
I still carry a lot of anger towards my mother. No matter how hard I try I can’t move past it. And I know why. She’s just so phony. All of her apologies are empty, there’s no change. If you’re not going to change then why are you apologizing?
She also uses people. My youngest sister uses people too. I know she got pregnant by this illegal immigrant on purpose and I know they quick got married when Trump became president. Now I hear they get all this free aid.
The man I’ve been hanging out with really pulled a fast one on me. I am an introvert, let me remind you. He bought tickets for us for this Christian concert coming up. We’ve had this planned for at least six (6) months. Now he throws out that in order for me to go to the concert I have to go with him to some birthday party. And the thing is, he didn’t even ask me about it. He just assumed I would go. Well, I hate to burst his bubble, but he’s probably going to the birthday party and the concert alone. I don’t handle long days around strangers very well. By the time the concert started I’d be mentally drained. And would not enjoy myself. I don’t understand why he did this to me. Yes, I am angry.
Trauma Healing 