Trauma Healing

True statement. I am so used to being blamed for everything. I believe they call that the “Black Sheep” of the family. And it’s true, I was definitely the black sheep. The one that would not conform to the family dysfunction. The one who had the biggest mouth. The one who told anybody that would listen. But back in my day, they (the teachers), never wanted to get involved. I can think of one teacher in particular, whom I confided in, but she never said a word. So I learned to live in the dysfunction. But it didn’t stop my mouth from speaking up.

Both my parents were horrible to me. I won’t go into details right now, but they made it well known in their behavior and attitude towards me. I thought maybe my mother would be my defender, but in all actuality, she was the instigator for the beatings from my dad.

Not that I was a perfect child. I rebelled. Rebelled against the dysfunction in our home. And for rebelling I was “grounded” quite often. But it never stopped me from speaking up.

I read somewhere that the “black sheep” is considered the outcast. I remember as a child my mother getting mad at me for eating sugar out of the sugar bowl. She wanted to beat my a**, but she couldn’t catch me. So she had all my brothers and sister chase me down as I was running into the fields, away from her. My siblings did eventually catch me for her, and well, the rest is history locked in my “I can’t remember” box in my brain. I remember being chased and caught. But I don’t remember what happened after that. This is probably a memory to be discussed with my EMDR therapist, if that appointment pops up in the near future. But I don’t think so. My therapist started me in DBT therapy, which is a one (1) year commitment. So…. Maybe in a year I’ll be ready to face these memories and continue with EMDR.