Trauma Healing

When I was in the start and the worst of my healing journey I began coping by shuffling tarot cards and reading tarot cards twenty-four (24) hours a day, seven (7) days a week. I didn’t know what else to do. Back then I was in a drug induced psychosis. I thought tarot readers on YouTube were talking specifically to me. I was in a very vulnerable state. The person I was seeing at that time was the persuasion into YouTube tarot watching. It was by him that I was introduced to meth. I still look back and scratch my head about it. I didn’t know. I was pretty gullible and naive. It wasn’t until I was into it about three (3) months when this person told me specifically what it was. But by that time I was already addicted and couldn’t get off of it on my own. I tried several times, but my anxiety kept bringing me back to it. Finally, when I had had enough of the delusions I went into treatment. I wanted to prove to people that what was going on was real. And the only way I could prove it to people is getting clean. It took me several treatment centers before I finally graduated the last one. I’ve been clean from that drug for over five (5) years now and I praise God for that daily. Not everybody gets off the drug. It becomes their every day existence. And that is very sad.

That two (2) year binge on that drug was the worst time of my life. I was taken advantage of a lot. And the manipulation I was going through is unexplainable. I was isolated from my family. I had a hard time determining what was real and what was not. In my heart of hearts I know that man messed with my head. How much though, he has never admitted to. Yet he can admit to doing the same things to two (2) other women.

Five (5) years later, I’ve finally gotten that habit of shuffling cards out of my brain. It’s probably been two (2) years since I quit the constant shuffling and have moved on to more soothing behaviors, like going for a walk, listening to meditation music or reading my Bible. Finding new habits to rid myself of the old behaviors. We all have to start somewhere.

Oh, and by the way, when I was done with treatment the YouTube tarot readers were no longer talking to me. The only thing I proved was that my family was right. I was in a drug induced psychosis. I often wonder why none of my using friends (or people I was hanging around at that time) never told me. 🤨