Trauma Healing

I get myself into some terrible messes quite often. I’m not sure how I do it. I’m not sure why I attract the people I do, male or female. I try to just be myself. Regardless of the anxiety. But then, somebody wants to be my friend, until my mouth makes a mess.

I don’t know how I do it, but I do it. And the thing of it is, I’m really not the one doing it. But I take the blame. For everybody’s messed up life. Somehow, their unhappiness is all my fault. I let them stew in it, about me of course.

This is what I know: I’ve been through more therapy than any of these ***** have been in. I’m not on the same level as they are. These people let words control their feelings. And it doesn’t matter who I’m talking to. I’m hurting feelings. Because I tell the truth. I am an outsider, looking in, and from my observations I see things differently. Most people don’t want to know though. They’d rather live in their bubble of illusion. Not my monkeys, not my circus.

People think I’m a really weak person. Both physically and emotionally. But the truth is I believe I’m stronger than most people. I don’t have feelings like I used to. It’s probably been five (5) or seven (7) years since I’ve had an actual feeling, that didn’t include my mental state.

I care about people deeply. But I’ve also lost all confidence in people. So, even though I care about somebody doesn’t mean I have those actual feelings.

My therapist explained it to me today. She explained the different stages of growth. I believe I am dealing with a bunch of people who are not growing or are not acknowledging that they need to grow. People may think I’m arrogant about this, but that’s not the case. You can call it whatever you want. But I know people. I can see right through them as soon as they open their mouth. Even if they’re quiet that still tells me something about them. And I also know people despise me because I am so observant. I may not be as observant when it comes to a mess in the house, but I am incredibly observant of people. It doesn’t take much to tell me something about someone. I honestly do not like that I can read people so well. That’s why I take my medication. It drowns out my sixth sense.

I think, scientifically, this sixth sense is a trauma response. Always watching/looking/listening for danger. Don’t have feelings. Feelings are bad. It’s just been imbedded in me through years of conditioning.