Trauma Healing

Like I said in a previous post, God wants us to do everything out of love.

The more turbulent my life has been the more I have still been holding on to the greatest commandment God has given us.

I don’t hold grudges. Not for very long. It may take me a long time to think through things, but I always come back in the end.

I don’t think that’s happening this time. I can wish people well from a distance. And I can still pray for them. Or even pray for all of us to have an open mind and heart. But I’m not holding on to something or someone that does not see my worth.

I’m tired of the bickering back and forth. And then the silent treatment. People use this as a form of punishment for me, because they know it really hurts me. But it’s hard to have hurt feelings over people you realized were never really your friend to begin with. The only reason people were being nice to me is they thought it would give them something. But when I didn’t reciprocate what they hoped for, they all vanished.

But I will say it again. I am fifty-five (55) years old. I don’t have time for all the weird drama. I prefer the silent treatment. It makes my life easier. I don’t have to worry about confrontation. Though I’m usually the first one to bring it up, not this time. I’ve tried reaching out to people and all I get is silence, so let it be.

On the other end of the spectrum, I have been hanging out with an old, but new friend. We’ve known each other for a few years and he has asked me out on a some dates a few times in the past, but now that I’m not so preoccupied I’ve got more time for him, and it’s been pleasant. No drama. And like I’ve said before, God will close one door and open another.

Love is more than just words to me. Saying “I love you” is easy. A person’s actions prove how they really feel. I’ll use this last relationship I was in as an example. He knew all the right words to say, but his actions did not match his words. He’d say he misses me, then when I come over he invites a crowd. He knows how I feel about crowds. But still, there was always a crowd of people. We never had opportunities to be alone. This told me a lot about the kind of person I was dealing with. This person doesn’t like to be alone. This person holds partying above a relationship. And that’s all cool. It’s just not for me. I’ll just end this topic by saying priorities.

I care an awful lot about people. I’m good at being a distant friend or acquaintance. As far as my close friends, I know they’re a great support for me. And I try to be for them as well.

My number one (1) love language is giving. I love to give things to people. That’s my way of saying I care. I may not always get the right words out, but I do mean well by everybody. I hold no grudges. And if I’ve got something to give I will do it. Whether it’s an actual gift or just my time. I do know that I am a giver. Sometimes it’s to my detriment. Which is not such a good thing. I’ve given everything I’ve had away, and now I have nothing. But that’s not going to stop me from giving. Because I do it with love.