Trauma Healing

I’ve been watching this video and it is blowing my mind away. I’ve been watching these series for about a week or so now, and none of them have sounded more accurate.

The wound is so real. Yet you have to pretend that it never existed. You grow up with these roles you and your siblings play, even though nobody knew these roles existed.

My family was the classic dysfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic that was later diagnosed with schizophrenia when he finally decided to get sober. We all wondered why his behavior was so strange and embarrassing? Well, after the diagnosis everything fit into place.

When my dad was alive he was mean. Not toward the end of his life. But he was mean when we were growing up. He was mean to me and my mom the most. But in all actuality he was just mean to everybody. The ones he favored felt guilty for being liked by him. They felt like the things he did to me should’ve been done to them also.

But this makes complete sense to me. I learned in therapy, the one’s who were favored felt guilty, because I was always catching heck and all they could do was watch. I think that’s more damaging than being the one getting it.

When I think of these things, my best coping skill is to take a nap. I also listen to a lot of meditation music to keep my anxiety level down. I actually spend a lot of time in quiet meditation. It could be to the point of an obsession or addiction. I can’t not listen to it, when I’m in my bedroom all by myself.

When I’m in my bedroom by myself, with nothing to worry about, I lay in my bed, listen to Mei LAN and daydream about how I would like my life to be. I mean, I hold nothing back. I daydream about winning $186 million dollars in a lawsuit against all the companies I called when I was looking for help with my devices. I daydream about who I’m going to help when I win this lawsuit. I think about changes I want to make in my life with this money.

I want to help people. I know far too many homeless people, just right here, right in the state of Minnesota. I would do anything I could to help that situation out. These people that are homeless are mainly veterans and people with mental illness. Another good percentage goes to drug addiction. But a number of people are working and still can’t afford a place to live. I would help that somehow. I would actually put up hotels for the homeless just like they did the migrants. I would probably help them find jobs, if they don’t have one. And I would somehow help people get clean from drugs, somehow.

I just believe people need a hand up, and nobody is helping them with that one step. Man, if I had money now I’d be helping. Somehow.