Trauma Healing

This is another video I would recommend watching. Like I said, these series are very informative. They really open my eyes.

I was the scapegoat in my family while I was growing up. And even now, my mother still despises me for some reason. I’ve often thought that maybe I had another father from the rest. Maybe that was why she treated me so horribly, compared to everybody else. And as guilty as I feel saying it out loud,, I think it needs to be said.

I mean, why else would a child of six (6) siblings be treated differently? Because something about me was different. People didn’t like that. And people still don’t.

I was the mouthy one. When shit hit the fan and I was old enough, I started running. I remember running to the neighbors house because my dad was sitting on my mom like she was a horse, down on her knee’s, and he was beating her head onto the floor. You don’t forget shit like that. I ran to the neighbors house for help, but when they came my mother brushed it off like it was no big deal, even though she had plenty of bruises on her face to show for it.

I remember another time, in the Country Kitchen parking lot, my dad put his hands on my mom and I jumped out the window of the car to go get the police whom were sitting inside. But as I tried to run past, my mom grabbed me by the arm and begged me not to go in or talk to them.

All my life I’ve been the scapegoat. As I got older and got married my mom finally liked me. Mostly because she now had somebody that could plow her out in the winters and fix things for her. But, when him and I divorced, I again became a nobody to her.

It’s my belief that she put a curse on me when I was younger. She said nobody was gonna ever want me. I took that to heart. And somewhere down the line in my years I proved her right. I’m alone. And I’m not interested in dating anybody. I make messes.

I don’t like talking bad about my mother. But there are still a lot of unresolved issues between us that will probably always be there. She doesn’t like to talk to me, because I tell her the truth. So rather than poke the bear, I am choosing to keep distance between us. I know she’s getting up there in age, and I’m probably going to feel bad when something happens, but I can’t help how I feel at this present time.

Sure, she has apologized to me, a couple of different times. She had no excuse as to why I was treated differently than everybody else, other than jealousy. She did tell me this on a couple of occasions. And yes, like I said, she has apologized. But to me, an apology means change. And I haven’t been seeing any changes. That’s why I’m having such a hard time forgiving her. She apologizes, but nothing changes.