Trauma Healing

A lot of my posts go into the draft file, because I get too scared to make myself vulnerable. There was a time when I was more forthcoming. But that was when I was on meth and thought people on TV were talking to me. I also thought I was some kind of superstar, about to be noticed at any time….. I look back at that now and can’t help but laugh at myself. It took a long time to laugh about it though.

Actually, I think I was able to start laughing about it when I wrote a list of strange things for the investigator to look for on that man’s computer. After I did that I got scared that man was going to seek revenge on me. So I got a new phone and new phone number. Just in case, it made me feel better. It made me feel safe.

But I guess it’s been since he finally got caught that I finally mellowed out about it. I wanted so badly for him to suffer like I did. But after his sentencing I thought, God must know what he’s doing. I can’t control the situation. Of course, I reactivated my old phone so so I could call him and tell him what I thought about the sentencing. In my eyes he didn’t get enough. Seventeen (17) days in jail for a felony. I couldn’t believe it. Just goes to show what money buys you.

I’m not sure why he got the nerve to call me and tell me he got busted. He contacted me about a month after his arrest. Of bourse, he wasn’t in jail. He paid a huge chunk of money for bail and attorneys.

But for some reason, he felt compelled to call me and apologize for everything that happened between us. He said that 90% of what I went through was his fault, or his doing. I asked him to please be specific about what he was apologizing for, but he wouldn’t give me a straight answer, other than to tell me that everything I questioned, there was no more need to question. It was all him.

So…. Here we go again. Another point in my life where I still don’t know what was real and what was not. There was so much going on back then, and I couldn’t make any sense out of it. But after he called I put all those memories to rest after emailing the private investigator with my list.

I still pray, to this day, for reciprocity. I still daydream that someday that private investigator is going to contact me and say “Hey, we found what you’ve been looking for and we believe you have been the victim of a crime”. Not that I want something bad to happen to me, or him, but I do want the truth.

He has admitted to me that he bullied a woman online. The police even came to talk to him about it. He thought it was funny. I didn’t. I was still in trauma mode when he told me this.

He also admitted to messing with my best friend’s phone (best friend at that time). He did this by making continuous robot calls for 24 hours straight to her phone. The strangest thing about this was I got a notification on my phone from a male tarot reader. When I opened the notification it was a video of this gentleman doing tarot cards and telling me my friend’s phone was being messed with. After hearing this I tried calling her, but it just kept going straight to voicemail. I was living in a domestic abuse shelter at that time. When I couldn’t get ahold of her I then drove to her house. She met me at the door with her phone and showed me what had been going on. Of course we filed a police report, but they didn’t care (the police).

My point is he won’t acknowledge exactly what he did to me, yet he’ll fess up to the gal online and my best friend (at the time). He did what he did to my best friend at that time, because she wrote an anonymous letter to his place of employment (which was a church) suggesting they drug test him and stating how bad it looks for the church having a meth addict working there (these words aren’t exact, but you get the picture anyway). When the church received the letter they brought it to his attention. But he weaseled his way out of any validity in it. The church believed him.

But, now that his house was raided and he was arrested at the church, I guess that’s pretty fair. Along with ten (10) years probation, maybe that will clean his act up. I don’t know. I’ve pretty much let it go now. God knows what He’s doing.