Trauma Healing

Blogging has actually become a very positive experience for me. Which really surprises me, since my delusions started with Word Press in 2018. And I would say around this same time. We are running into October. The last time I was alone was when I moved in October 2018, to Osceola Wisconsin. I had no idea what I was doing, but I did it.

I moved away from my support system. What gravitated me? That man, and that meth. I thought by moving nobody would ever know how much I was using. Or wouldn’t recognize the signs. And it was true. They knew something was wrong but didn’t know what to do about it., because they didn’t know what it was.

I spent some time in the hospital on several occasions. The person I was dating at that time, we will just call him “Bob” for the sake of sparing names, sometimes I would call him. And I wanted so desperately to hear him tell me he loved me and was sticking by my side. But No. The most I got out of him during my treatment binges was a ride from Cloquet to the next treatment cent. We took about a an hour break to get high, have sex and leave. It was then that I started to realize “this person isn’t out for my best interests “.

I had never felt so embarrassed and disrespected in all of my life at that incident. When he opened the doors of his vehicle at the treatment center cans and bottles of beer just rolled out. I was so embarrassed. Also, when he dropped me off at the next center, he wanted to give me some drugs to bring in. I swear this man was out to ruin my life. why? Because I slighted him.

I don’t think I will ever get over the past. Because it’s always going to be an illusion for me. But if I don’t move on that makes him a winner. And we don’t want that.

The picture above is very triggering. I hadn’t made an outside alter for probably five (5) years. It makes me feel vulnerable sharing it. Because it came with no instructions. I just winged it off the top of my heart.