Trauma Healing

I spend a lot of time by myself. And I enjoy it. For me, it is really difficult to socialize, unless I have a cocktail in my hand. My anxiety always kicks in. So if there’s alcohol around (mainly wine), I’ll drink. But I prefer not to. That’s why I spend so much time alone.

I thought to go to a celebration of life yesterday, but I was supposed to work, which didn’t end up happening. But I didn’t really want to go anyway, because of the partying. I feel like I’ve outgrown drinking parties. For me, my partying days were my early high school years. I ended up pregnant at age seventeen (17). My daughter was born a couple weeks before my eighteenth (18) birthday. My days of partying were over once I found out I was pregnant. And even after she was born, I went out once, on my eighteenth (18) birthday, and that was about it, until my daughter went off to college.

When my daughter left for college I began to struggle with my identity. I didn’t realize how much of my identity was wrapped around my daughter, until she left. I ended up with empty nest syndrome. I had lost my identity. Or felt like I had. So, for a couple of years I partied pretty heavily. Until my second DWI in 2011. That was a game changer for me.

That second DWI was painful. I ended up running off the road into a grove of trees. Which was better than running into the car ahead of me stopped at the stop sign. I don’t remember any of this, I’m only going according to what the police report said. I’m just thankful nobody else was involved or injured. And like I said, I have no recollection of what happened. I just woke up in the hospital.

I lost my license as a result of my DWI. I was three (3) times over the legal limit (I think I blew .36 at one point). Because I lost my license I had to take a demotion at work. My supervisor told me I could rearrange my staffs schedules so it wouldn’t interfere with any part of my job. But I didn’t feel right punishing my staff for my mistake. So I instead took a demotion to overnight staff. I didn’t last too long in that position, because the owner of the company wanted me to spy on and rat out other house leaders. That just wasn’t my gig, so I resigned.

It was after my second DWI that my second husband disowned me. I have no other way to put it. I was getting the silent treatment and I could feel the disgust he felt toward me. We ended up divorcing over my bad behavior. I stressed him out was his reason for the divorce. I accepted that, but just started drinking even harder, along with prescription medication I was taking. At one point I had taken too much medication when I was drinking (okay, to be honest, I was attempting to end my life). It was shortly after that I went into treatment for alcohol addiction. That was 2014. And I won’t lie and say I’ve been alcohol free ever since, but I was alcohol free until my birthday of 2023. I have no idea what enticed me. But my drinking now only involves a glass or two (2) of wine to unwind after work. But anybody in recovery will say that’s one or two too many. So far it hasn’t affected anything.