Trauma Healing

I won’t keep complaining about my sleeping habits, but it does get tiring waking up so often in the middle of the night. And as the picture indicates, I’ve been awake since 2:40am.

I am finding comfort in solitude. My life has really settled down and I’m actually looking forward to my move. I need to do something different with my life, so God is shaking things up for me.

I used to quarrel quite a bit with my friends, now I don’t have any. Well, I do have friends. I want to acknowledge them. I’m just referring to the long time friendships that have come to an end. Why? I don’t need unhealthy people in my life. And as much as I’ve wanted to help people, nobody wants the help. They just want to sit in their pity bag. But that’s their choice. It doesn’t have to be that way for them. And it certainly doesn’t affect me. I’ve moved on with my life. They are stuck and I’m just going to let them be.

I don’t know if people know this or not, but people can wish ill on you and that is really considered a spell. Or a curse. People can wish you ill and ruin your life. I never used to believe in curses or spells. I never used to believe in karma either. Until I actually experienced it.

People reap what they sow. And out of discontentment they like to stir trouble for other people. A person’s unhappiness shows, even with the mask they wear. People can’t stand that I’m not an idiot.

I do my best to be the best person I can be. But none of us will ever be perfect. Not until we meet our creator.

I guess, through all of this babble, what I’m really trying to say is in a matter of a few weeks I’ve lost friends because of my mouth, again. Am I going to apologize? No. I’ve done nothing wrong but live my life. But for some reason I trigger these people’s trauma wounds. Because I tell the truth? I don’t know. I don’t sugar coat things and make it all look pretty. I’m fairly factual. And I have my opinions that are not very popular. But I don’t care. I don’t need these people in my life to exist. I’m doing just fine on my own. And there’s a part of me that feels God took these people out of my life, because they were not good for me. I can count on my hand probably five (5) people that wish ill on me. And when you have that many people, that makes it a curse. And what can you do about a curse? Protection stones, the Bible, prayer and time. Eventually, it works its way out.

I’ve been under a spell before. Many times, actually. How do I know? Because I felt them in me and I felt them leave me.

Seeing my second ex husband back in January of 2023 broke a spell, I believe. I prayed to God for five (5) years just to let me see his face (my ex’s) one time. And it happened. We ran into each other at the local grocery store. He doesn’t live in my area, so I was surprised to see him. No, we did not shake hands and have this great reunion. I just happened to be at the right place and time. We did not speak to each other. We saw each other from a distance. I was walking in his direction and he was walking in mine. Our eyes met. Then he took a right down one of the grocery isles. But he didn’t run off screaming so that was a plus 😂. God gave me exactly what I asked for. I just wanted to see his face. How he reacted to seeing me. Trying to decipher real feelings from him. I got exactly what I asked for and needed for closure. God is good.

I do believe my second ex husband still has some kind of feelings for me. But my meth binge scared him off forever. And I don’t blame him. I’ve put him through a lot. And I’m sure it was embarrassing for him as well. He doesn’t like to stick out in a crowd. And well, when I was on meth I did some pretty insane stuff for attention. I’m not sure, but I think my second ex husband has been the only person in my entire life that I truly loved. And I had a piss poor way of showing it.