Trauma Healing

Why do I have a picture of the last supper? And why is this titled “Psychological Torture?”

Because it’s a trigger for me. When I was a small child we had the picture of the last supper above our dining table. My dad would make us kids stand around the picture of the last supper and look at it while he preached out of the Bible to us. He believed he was Jesus Christ. I remember very vividly that we had to be looking at the picture while he preached out of the Bible. If he caught us looking anywhere else we got it from him in a bad way.

Due to these experiences (it wasn’t just one time) eating at the table with a group of people causes me a lot of anxiety. I don’t like eating at a table with a group of people. I just plain don’t like eating at all. Eating involves stress for me. It causes anxiety to eat. That’s really why I fast so much. Food doesn’t stay in my stomach very well. I normally have personal issues when I eat. So, I choose not to eat.

I think I mentioned this once before, but my doctor/therapist diagnosed me with Anorexia because of my poor eating habits. I don’t agree with this diagnosis. My weight is not changing. Actually, in a matter of a year or two I’ve gained 30lbs. So to say I’m anorexic is just not believable to me. I fast a lot. But I’m certainly not losing any weight. I think this weight is here to stay. I gained it after quitting cigarettes two (2) years ago. And I think it’s also due to menopause.

Anyway, back to the original subject. Yes, in my eyes what my dad did to us I would consider psychological torture. That experience shaped who I thought God was to me for a very long time. I believed God was vengeful. I believe he caused suffering. I believed he was strict/rigid and mean.

Growing up we went to a Catholic Church. I never cared for it, I just went through the motions; church, Bible school, Lent, etc. My dad was a very strict Catholic. He believed in corporal punishment. And he taught me that God is a punishing God. He refused to let me go to a movie one day because it was Lent. A lot of his ideas and thoughts were so scattered. And I remember several times, outside of staring at the Last Supper, when he would drag me aside and read the Bible to me because I had the devil in me.

My dad used to beat me a lot in the name of God, telling me he needs to beat the devil out of me. When I finally left home after getting pregnant and kicked out of the house I had no interest in church or God at all. So for a short while I walked away from God. Who wants a mean dictator involved in their life? That’s what kept me separated from God for a long time.

When I was nineteen (19) years old I started dating a man whom was very involved in his church. It wasn’t Catholic though, it was Assemblies of God. Dating him got me involved in that church. It was through this experience that I realized God is not the mean guy my father portrayed. I gave my life to the Lord at that church.

Of course, me and my boyfriend broke up eventually and I moved to a different Assembly of God church and that’s where I stayed for many years. Until they built their new church. Once the new church was built everything about the church changed. They seemed more concerned about filling the seats for larger tithings. I really shouldn’t say it that way, but I don’t really know how else to put it. They also broke promises to the youth, which disappointed my daughter at the time. So we stopped going to that church, and I guess I’ve been floating around ever since.

My daughter, however, did get connected to a church again once she got out of college and started her career. I’ve been to the church she attends a few times myself. It’s the same church that told me I needed to get rid of all my New Age ideas and trinkets. I’m stubborn. I don’t like being told what to do, especially when I don’t understand the reason behind things and nobody offers explanation. It’s just bad is all I get out of it. But I don’t understand why?

I was going to, what I would consider, a recovery church. But I felt like a hypocrite, so I quit. Now, I’m just too uncertain about my beliefs to feel the need to join a church. I mean, I know my beliefs, but it doesn’t all jive with Christianity, I don’t think 🤔. Yes, I do believe in some New Age things, but I also believe in the Bible, Jesus and God. I believe in the Holy Spirit.

I mean, if people can believe in goblins and ghosts and spirits they should be able to believe in Jesus. Jesus is with us in spirit. He also sends the Holy Spirit on our behalf. What’s so hard to believe about that? If you can believe in ouija boards, you can believe in Jesus.