Trauma Healing

I am feeling a tremendous amount of overwhelm with this moving business. I don’t know how to organize and pack, and it’s just a darn bedroom. All my other stuff is scattered here and there. Some at my sister’s (oldest), and some at a friend’s house.

To me, it seems to make more sense to pack and move at the same time. I feel like I’m drowning in boxes and bags in my bedroom.

I know a normal person can deal with it without hesitation. But for me, I get easily overwhelmed and distracted. I cannot multitask anymore like I used to be able to do when I was younger. I don’t know if the problem is my age, or my mental illness. Maybe more so, my past meth use. I just cannot multitask too well anymore.

I had to postpone DBT class until November. I told my therapist I cannot concentrate on packing, moving, working, med management, individual therapy and group therapy all at one time. She understood. So, I think, for now, my focus is packing, working and maybe continuing my individual therapy. Any more than that, forget it. Until I’m actually moved and settled in.

My move in date is October 3. Though it’s probably not going to happen that same day. I’ll still get the keys and move in as I am able, since both me and my daughter work that weekend. She would like to help me.

Her and I went to my favorite restaurant in town yesterday. It was nice being able to have some mother/daughter time together. After we ate we went and did a stop at the apartment building I’ll be living in. I showed her which unit I will be living in. She was impressed when I showed her which unit. She loved the area. As I do too. It’s like having my own backyard. I can plant my own flowers in my little area (we noticed other people living there did that). I can put out a chair on my little patio. The smoking station isn’t too far away (even though I no longer smoke). I can think of a million reasons why I’m excited. But this packing business is for the birds. I wish I was a genie and Abra Cadabra poof is how it should go.

I don’t know if it makes more sense to leave my clothes in the dresser drawers or bag them(?). I know we can’t move my dresser with the drawers in it. We will have to move the drawers separately.

I’ve been working on this packing a little at a time. I sit and look around for the next task and do it. Then sit down again and look around my room for my next task. But until I can get some of this stuff moved out I’m kind of stuck.

I’ve been having up and down moments about this blogging. There’s a cycle there. I see it. It was this same time of season when I got the idea of an online blog back in 2018. And through Word Press. I thought it would be good for me as a means to communicate. Get out of isolation. My problem was, when I got involved with that blog I talked about everything. Anybody who had eyes to see. It’s a big embarrassment for me now. I still have not been able to laugh at that when I look back. That tells me I am not healed. So, why did I start another blog? Well, for the exact same reasons. Only this time I’m not on meth. But this blog has actually been triggering me because of the memories and garbage I went through with it back in 2018/2019. I had a psychotic break back then. More so a drug induced psychosis. My website was hacked into and the meth amplified my feelings towards everything that was going on back then. Now, I’m just carrying a lot of anxiety. I still don’t know what was real and what was not back then. I’m sure the person I was dating was messing with my mind. That’s cruel. Using my mental health against me. He wanted me locked up in prison. I had no clue what I had gotten myself into. It took me seven (7) long damn ass years just to be able to talk about him without fearing the wrath. Because he is such a liar. He’s a con. He was leading a double life.