Trauma Healing

I was in trouble a lot when I was growing up. I didn’t get much recognition for anything, not even for just being alive. Both my parents treated me horribly, compared to the rest of my siblings. But if you were to talk to each of us separately we would all have completely different recollections of the past. Some things I remember my siblings don’t. Things my siblings remember, I don’t. The bottom line is we all suffered tremendously. And I’m not saying this for pity. Talking about it is healing, whether the rest of the family wants me sharing or not.

Everyone is ashamed and afraid of their past memories. Well, I’m not. I know my parents were horrible. Have I forgiven them? Yes, to a point. Am I blaming them for my current rotten behaviors? No. I’m responsible for my own healing.

I forgave my father after they had that house fire. He apologized to me in his own way and that was acceptable for me. He told me he really appreciated me changing his bandages and helping him with his stretching exercises. When he put it that way, I forgave him. I saw him in a different light. Because he changed.

My mother, on the other hand, we cannot get along if our lives depended on it. I want to say she apologized and I accepted her apology. But I just recently learned that the text she sent me, she also sent to other people; apologizing. I knew there was an ulterior motive to this apology. She was upset and feeling rejected by my youngest sister, because she was giving my mom the silent treatment until my mom got rid of all the cats.

I feel very alone in this life. I’ve got a family that is not healing, has no interest in healing and would rather live their messed up lives the way they are. It’s frustrating to me, because I believe they can do better. Be better. But people get stuck in their own negative mindset. And you can’t change that. Or, I can’t change it for them anyway.

My support system is my immediate family; my daughter, son in law and grandkids. I think I even feel my son in laws family’s support as well. Specifically his mother and grandfather. They help me to feel like I’m part of the family. And that makes me feel really good.