Trauma Healing

I’m still having a hard time with my bedroom. I look around at everything that needs to be packed, I stand up to do something, look around and sit right back down. I know this is either a symptom of my mental illness or it’s a symptom of unresolved trauma still lingering. You know, brain fog?

A part of my procrastination is fear. I’m excited about the move, yet nervous at the same time. I have not been on my own in five (5) years. I’m afraid I’m going to fall into the same traps. I haven’t told anybody I am moving, except a couple of close friends and my family. That in itself is a good start. The last time I attempted to move out on my own I was back within three (3) months. It was way too triggering for me. I moved to the exact same town in the exact same apartment. How weird was that? I moved in September 1 and moved out before Christmas. The excitement lasted two (2) weeks, then the triggers started. I had told too many people I was moving. And most of them were male friends. I didn’t realize they were looking to date me. I thought they were just friends. But they all wanted to come visit me. It was then I realized these men want something from me. It scared me. It made me realize my boundaries were still very poor.

I ended up not letting anyone over and moving out. It was all too triggering for me. This time around is more discreet. I mean, people probably know I’m moving, but not because I told them. Therefore, there’s no need to feel obligated to allow anybody at my place.

But I am looking forward to my own space. If I wake up in the middle of the night I don’t have to worry about waking anybody else up. I have complete access to my own refrigerator. I can get up in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. There’s a lot of good pros to moving. I just need to make sure I continue to be choosy about who I tell or allow over.