I woke up again at 2am and this time I was at a friends house. I couldn’t fall back to sleep, so I came home, hoping my own bed would make a difference, but it didn’t really.
My friend gave me a deck of oracle cards. I pulled my first card this morning:
It does have a guidebook with it that I read for that card and it was a deep conviction for me. For every action I take there is a reaction. I need to hold myself more accountable.
I still find myself seething over my younger sister and I don’t know if it’s jealousy or what? She’s had everything handed to her without putting forth any effort. And now she’s got the property that the house sits on. She kicked me off one day when I stopped by to visit my brother. I guess nobody is allowed there anymore. Not even my brother. All I’ve gotta say is she better be prepared to take care of all the garbage around there. When the water pump breaks, she can fix it. The grass? She can mow. The septic system, their problem. Between her and her foreign husband, they should be able to manage just fine. I guess since she’s been the one caring for my mother it only seems right. But man, why does got to be such a b**** about it.
It really kind of bums me out that our family is… so lost. Nobody associates with anybody. I think the cost of remembering things is just too great to get past.
I drew my second card for the day:
And it would be worry. I read the guide and was once again convicted. I do have a problem with uncontrolled worrying. Once I start I can’t stop. At some point I get into a panic attach, unless my worry is put to rest.
Sometimes I just can’t help myself. I’m an over thinker. The medication I take keeps it calmed down a bit, but it’s still there and I notice it in certain situations.
Right now I’m still stuck on my anger towards my youngest sister. And it’s not really even anger, just heavily disappointed in her and her behavior. And lack of empathy.
It’s such a beautiful day out this morning. What am I going to do to make the most out of it? Enjoy the peace and quiet.
Trauma Healing 
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