Trauma Healing

I see 11:11 quite often and when I see it I pray this prayer: God, I pray for peace. Peace in this world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

I say this prayer anytime I see 11:11, in which I’ve been seeing quite often and I know it’s supposed to be a message from the angels. I used to have an angel number book. But I threw out A LOT of new age items I had picked up during my meth binge. At one time I had about 200 decks of tarot cards and oracle cards. And in time I have gotten rid of them, mostly sold them off to metaphysical shops. Some I actually just threw away. I’m embarrassed to say that out loud, because I know a lot of people will balk at that. But in my confusion on what I should be standing for I just up and threw the last batch away and in time I’ve picked up five (5) more decks. With the new deck my friend gave me that makes six (6). I mainly kept the odd ones. The ones that meant something to me. I don’t spend a lot of time with them like I used to. Those days are over.

I started on tarot cards shortly after I started on meth. For some reason the person I was dating at the time (who introduced me to the meth) suggested we watch tarot readings on YouTube. I thought that was the strangest request, especially since I actually watched a tarot reading on YouTube the night before and never told him. I seriously think he was spying on me in some electronic fashion. Why else would he ask me to watch a tarot reading completely out of the blue? Yes, that man messed with my head in the worst way. He knew I suffered a mental illness and he totally took advantage of that.

And I know why he messed with my head. I had inadvertently told him I was seeing my ex husband at the same time I was seeing him. What he gave me in return for that admission was Karma. He really messed with my head. He told me these tarot readers were talking specifically to me. And that I should be careful.

I wish I could share the whole story of the two (2) year meth binge, and maybe sometime I will elaborate. But I feel like I’ve talked this situation out. I still have scars that will probably never go away from that experience. But I have to trudge on.

The last time I spoke to him he asked me to lunch. This was after he got busted and was dealing with court. I said no thank you. I am not interested in digging up the past. He blocked me after that. And I am not upset about it one bit.

People are always blocking me. It hurts at first. But then I realize I really am not the piece of ooz people think I am. They’re just upset because I set boundaries. And they don’t like it.

To be honest I really don’t care who blocks me. Not anymore. I am finding that my life is less complex being blocked, because it prevents me from reaching out when I’m feeling lonely or isolated. unhealthy responses to true feelings.

And to be honest with you, I do have some very good friends that I don’t give enough credit to. And I’m actually quite ashamed of myself for saying I have no friends, because I can actually name at least five (5) friends I do have that accept me no matter what. And my immediate family is a huge support.

I know I’m really hard on myself, because of the negativity that goes on around me. But I truly believe if I can stay away from the unhealthy people I will be okay.