Trauma Healing

Day one (1): don’t know what’s going on with my biological clock again. I’m having a hard time sleeping or staying asleep. I woke up at midnight tonight and as the clock displays, it is now almost 3am. I’m tired, but my mind seems to be preoccupied by other things. I’m trying to figure out the best way to help my brother. I’m switching clients again. The drive is just too far for the client I’m currently working with. I found another client with the same company 1/4 of the distance closer.

I sure love my lights. And it does give me some fond feelings from the last time I was actually on my own. For me, they are comforting. I only use purple. It’s the only color that gives me the feelings I get. Feelings of comfort and home. Relaxing. Just … surreal with meditation music and a candle and some incense.

Day two (2): Again, I woke up thinking it was 6 o’clock in the morning and it’s actually only 2:50am. I’ve been awake and up since around 2am. I could’ve sworn the time said 6am on my clock. I got up and made some coffee before realizing how early it really was.

I’m thankful my brother is a heavy sleeper. I’d hate to feel the same way I did at my daughter and son-in-law’s, feeling like I need to get out of bed in the middle of the night, but no place to go, because I didn’t want to wake anybody up. So far, I haven’t had any issues with my brother. We will see how long it lasts.

I wanted to show off this drum I made completely by hand about a year ago. I didn’t have any place to hang it before, but hanging it on my wall at my new place, is priceless. It’s made with real deer skin. I had to let the thing completely dry after I put it together. And when I dries it tightens and the deer skin shrinks, making a really nice drum tone once it’s dried completely.

I just can’t believe how I let this move worry me for weeks. Projecting the worst case scenario. My faith in God had faltered at that time. Lord, please forgive me for not trusting you and thinking I can drive the bus myself. It’s obvious I don’t have the plan, you do Lord, and I am putting complete faith in you. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

I had to postpone DBT until November. With moving and switching clients I just didn’t have time to start this at this moment. But we still go through the diary cards (although I can’t remember where I packed them). I suppose I better try looking for them again. just like I misplaced my iPad. And it doesn’t help to use find my iPad, because I shut that feature off on the tablet. Anyway, I did finally find it on the very top shelf of one of my closets. I don’t remember even putting it there. But I was thankful. It was driving me nuts not being able to find it.

I really don’t have anything enlightening this morning. It’s now 4am and I’m wondering if I should try taking a nap.

I’m wondering if I’m going through a mania cycle. Lack of sleep, impulsive spending. Personally, I think I’m just excited to finally have my own place. I feel really good about it. I can make coffee at 4am. Which I did.