Trauma Healing

I’ve had people come and go from my life on plenty of occasions and all for different reasons. I don’t necessarily believe anybody is meant to stay in your life, only long enough to teach you something you need to know about yourself or the world. People are teachers. People are messengers. And when the message has been delivered the person is no longer in your life.

God also removes you from somebody’s life because you are the toxic one. People don’t like to look at themselves, so instead blame things on some invisible entity. The truth is, if you’re not willing to work on yourself I don’t want you in my life.

Everybody has had trauma in their life at some point. Some trauma they call tiny trauma and other things they consider big trauma. My doctor diagnosed me with Complex PTSD, rather than PTSD. The reasoning is I’ve had ongoing trauma throughout my life, but most traumatic during childhood. My dad was an alcoholic whom self medicated to hide his schizophrenia. When he finally sobered up I was 16 years old. By that time the damage had already been done. But it at least explained his odd behavior.

We were the typical dysfunctional family. Everybody had their roles. I didn’t realize this until my first stint in treatment. I was 16/17 years old. My dad had quit drinking not too long before and started on medication for his schizophrenia. I always felt he was over medicated. And I blamed my mom for that too. I couldn’t help it. I could see she was getting even with him for all the suffering he caused her. But in my eyes two wrongs don’t make a right. I felt my mother was quite cruel to him, once he became ill.

I still carry a lot of anger towards my mother. No matter how hard I try I can’t move past it. And I know why. She’s just so phony. All of her apologies are empty, there’s no change. If you’re not going to change then why are you apologizing?

She also uses people. My youngest sister uses people too. I know she got pregnant by this illegal immigrant on purpose and I know they quick got married when Trump became president. Now I hear they get all this free aid.

The man I’ve been hanging out with really pulled a fast one on me. I am an introvert, let me remind you. He bought tickets for us for this Christian concert coming up. We’ve had this planned for at least six (6) months. Now he throws out that in order for me to go to the concert I have to go with him to some birthday party. And the thing is, he didn’t even ask me about it. He just assumed I would go. Well, I hate to burst his bubble, but he’s probably going to the birthday party and the concert alone. I don’t handle long days around strangers very well. By the time the concert started I’d be mentally drained. And would not enjoy myself. I don’t understand why he did this to me. Yes, I am angry.