Trauma Healing

I remember when I used to smoke cigarettes. I quit in August of 2023, after smoking since I was 15 years old. I remember how I would get up at 4am in the morning for work, sit out on the deck with my cup of coffee and cigarettes and watch the sun come up and the birds wake up and life was always about starting over. A brand new day.

Now that I’ve quit smoking cigarettes my routine has changed. I don’t go outside at 4am anymore with a cup of coffee. These days I don’t even really have a set waking time. I wake up when I wake up. And instead of sitting outside with my coffee, I drink my coffee while I read my Bible, listen to meditation music, burn a candle and some incense. Pray. Once in a while I might pull three cards, hoping for inspiration. This is what starts my day now, and it can be any time of the day.

Do I miss smoking cigarettes? No. But I do miss that morning routine of getting up with my coffee and the birds. I could probably still do it, without the cigarette part. But I’ve tried it and it’s just not the same. So I just had to switch things up. Change is always good. Maybe in time I can go sit outside at 4am again without being triggered for a cigarette.

Something else I always look back at is how traumatized I was after that two year binge on methamphetamine. It took me five years to recover and actually feel like my old self again. For years I was so easily triggered. I took everything anybody said so personally. I definitely was not healed.

And it’s not like it’s something that sticks in my mind. I mean, in my mind I may have forgiven people. But it’s the body that keeps the score. Yes, I have that book in audio. I highly recommend it to anybody trying to heal from trauma.

In my mind, I feel I have forgiven that man. The one that introduced me to methamphetamine. But I do believe my body is keeping the score. I still have bad body sensations around my memories of this person. So, even though in my mind I have forgiven him, my body is telling me something different. And it does affect my quality of life. I haven’t been able to be in a relationship since him.

And it’s really no different than the healing I’ve been trying to work on revolving around my family history. In my mind I feel like I have forgiven my parents. But again, the body is keeping the score and I still get bad body sensations around my mother mostly. My father passed away in 2009. But my mother is still alive and well for the most part. But, it’s another example of being hurt and trying to recover. I’m old enough now to start taking responsibility for my life without blaming others for my defects. These defects are mine, and now that I am an adult and have been made aware of where some of my bad habits came from, it’s about time I did something different. So I did. I quit associating with my mother and my youngest sister. They have a very toxic relationship between them and it spews out onto others if you spend too much time dealing with them. They are both very selfish. And though my mother has apologized for her past and present behavior, she doesn’t get a pass from me. An apology, to me, means change. If you’re apologizing that means you’re willing to change whatever behavior you’re apologizing for. I haven’t seen any change. So, her words are just empty to me. Besides that, I learned that I was not the only person she sent that text of apology to. Other family members got the exact same text. What even prompted it? My youngest sister was giving her the silent treatment.

It is always amazing when trauma no longer runs your life. Healing is moving forward. You may never forget the trauma, but you don’t have to let it run or ruin your life. And again, I will use the word amazing. Because it’s just amazing how time truly does heal all wounds. If you can be strong enough to fight through the pain. Not a lot of people are.

I remember feeling a lot of pain during my transformation. Healing is messy. But it’s also necessary, if you’re going to have any kind of quality of life.

Again, Dear God, I pray for peace. Peace in the world. Peace for my family and friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. And thank you, Lord, for ending this government shutdown. You are a mighty miracle worker. And it’s in your great name I pray. Amen.

I like to believe that my last prayer to God the other day was heard and answered. praise Jesus.

The number 10:10 is about endings and beginnings.