Trauma Healing

I am learning that I am not as far along on my healing path as I had thought. I still get easily triggered. My way of dealing with the issue has been to avoid it. My therapist and I are at a standstill. She feels we can go no further until I get some specialized help. She referred me to Prolonged Exposure Therapy. I don’t know what that means, but I missed their phone call and did call back, only to leave a message in return. That was yesterday.

I don’t like to talk to people about what happened to me during those two years I was on meth. It’s embarrassing. It’s unbelievable. I can’t get over it. It’s beyond explanation. And because I think there was some truth to the delusions, that makes it even harder. To decipher fact from fiction. It seems this man has me right where he wants me. Always wondering.

Honestly, I’m scared to death of this man. I believe he holds grudges. And gets even in real shady ways. And gets away with it. And his ways were really shady. Mean. And when he finally got busted in August 2023 he called me a month later to apologize for everything that happened to me, saying everything was his fault. But when I asked him specifically what he’s apologizing for he said, “Just know that everything you went through was my fault”. But without him being specific, I don’t know what to think. There was a lot that happened.

Those two years made me realize how secluded I had been my whole life. I used to take people at face value. What they say is what they mean. Now, I feel like I have to read between the lines to catch the real meaning. For example: You say you love me. But your actions show you don’t have time for me. So, how can you say you love me?

It takes me a very long time to trust people. I mean, probably, like a year. A year of constant communication. People don’t like that. I can’t help it. I have a pretty big bubble. I like my space. At least right now. Right now I choose me.