Trauma Healing

I’m am getting incredibly frustrated with this lack of sleeping due to nightmares. I’ve been waking up around 1-1:30am every night for the past three (3) weeks now because of this recurring nightmare I keep having. The nightmare is real, as in, it is something that happened in the past that I don’t like talking about or even thinking about. But it bubbles out in my dreams.

I have been clean from meth for almost six (6) years, but it still affects me in several ways. Nightmares are one of them. Nightmares have become a normal way of life for me. The past three (3) weeks though have been really rough, as I’m unable to fall back to sleep.

I still live in fear. That man really messed me up. My sense of safety has been totally fractured. I’m afraid of the dark now. I never used to be. I’m paranoid about my electronics all the time. Even with a new phone that he’s never had access to. Every off the wall thing that happens makes me think he has something to do with it.

I do know that the best healing is when I feel nothing about it at all. Ive still got a long ways to go.

I’m hoping this PE therapy helps/works. Unfortunately, I’ve got to reschedule all of my appointments, because of a change in work hours.

I’m still pretty angry. It’s pretty sad that a person can’t be open and honest in the first place. He never asked me to date him. He never asked. I figured we were just ….. drug/F buddies. I know that doesn’t say much about me, but it’s the truth. Meth makes you do weird things. Thank God I got out of it within two (2) years. Who knows where I’d be today.

On a brighter note:

I did something Saturday night that I haven’t done in ….. at least ten (10) years. I hosted a dinner party. I think maybe this is a slight sign of healing (?). I am so proud of myself that I could push through the anxiety that normally engulfs me.

There were a total of six (6) of us in my tiny apartment. But we made it work. Some people brought chairs, so it worked out perfect.

We made shrimp Alfredo with Angel Hair pasta and Texas cheese bread. It was very delicious. 🤤

I’m already planning and preparing for my next dinner party. I’ve made plans with a friend to have T-bone steak that was given to me by another friend for helping her after her back surgery …

Gee, I’m realizing I really do have friends. And that is another reason to be grateful.

Anyway, I feel very accomplished today. I washed my clothes and took a shower before work. After work I ran to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. From there I ran to my daughter’s house to borrow her vacuum (I still have yet to afford one). I washed my car, then I came home and tackled my floor. Now it’s nice and shiny clean. I used doTerra’s on guard essential oil and dawn dish soap, so it smelled somewhat of cinnamon. Like I said, I feel very accomplished. All that, and I even worked in between.

It helps when the weather is nice. It really lifts my mood. I mean, it wasn’t that nice, but warmer than it has been the past week. And I think it’s supposed to be nice now for the next week. Fingers crossed 🤞.