Trauma Healing

I have a confession to share. And I’m just going to get straight to the point.

May 4 2020 is/was my clean date from methamphetamine. I say is/was, because I don’t want to put so much focus on the fact that I had a relapse. When I focus on that it feels very discouraging. I’ll just say I went on a seven day bender. It was not planned. I was taken totally off guard. I didn’t even know my friend did methamphetamine, until I got there for the weekend. That was the first time I had been to her house in years. The last time I saw her was a few weeks prior when she came to my house for the night. She hid it from me then I guess. But I suppose since she was in her own territory she must’ve thought it was safe.

I don’t know, I walked into her house and she had company. I didn’t really pay attention to what they were doing when I first walked into the door. But after I settled my bag and stuff down I went into the kitchen where they were. That’s when I saw what they were doing. I immediately felt uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to show it. I didn’t know these other people. Anyway, they were passing it around and handed it to me. I guess I did what any recovering addict would do. I took it. That one hit turned into a seven day binge, as she gave me some to take home.

The first day was no big deal. I enjoyed it. It perked me up. But after the first day it was like being an addict all over again. I was obsessed with smoking it. It was already interfering in my life. I was spending money like I was rich, I couldn’t sleep, I was getting irritable and very paranoid. My mental health was deteriorating quite rapidly. It was hard to do, but I ended up flushing what I had left down the toilet. I couldn’t tolerate myself anymore.

I called my friend and told her “I cannot be doing that crap anymore. It’s already causing problems in my life, and already causing problems with my mental health”. She understood and said she wouldn’t bring it around me again.

I then knew I had to tell my therapist. So I did during our appointment. We worked through it together. We made an exit plan if I get caught off guard again.

The next person I wanted to tell was my daughter. So I called her to make an appointment (she’s such a busy lady). We made an appointment for next week, but she called me a short while later and said she doesn’t want this appointment lingering in her mind. So I tried to tell her, but I couldn’t get it out. I ended up telling her about all the money I spent over the weekend, but I was too uncomfortable to tell her about my relapse over the phone. So I kept that part out. I didn’t want to stress her out over the phone.

Last evening I tried telling a friend about it. That conversation did not go well. Her approach made me defensive. I ended up angry and yelled. She hung up on me.

This morning I came over to my daughter’s super early. I wanted to catch her before she left for work. The last thing I needed was for her to find out from my friend. When I think about it, I felt guilty telling my friend before telling her. But I was afraid she was going to be the unreasonable one. Not the case at all. She was very understanding. We discussed ways this can be prevented in the future. After talking to her I decided I’m going to start going to a recovery meeting they have at one of our local churches. It’s on Monday evenings. I just hope I can follow through with it. It’s not until 7pm. I’m usually settling in for the night at that time. But I’ve gotta give it a try.

I honestly thought I would never touch that stuff again after everything I went through before. But I guess I was curious. I wanted to see if I would have the same reaction that I had before. And actually the reaction was not the same. I didn’t lose my mind. Not yet anyway. Not until I smoked my medical cannabis. Then I became super paranoid, which caused a panic attack. I called my friend that gave me the meth and I was freaking out. She reminded me to take my medication and call her back. So, that’s what I did. I took my medication, then watched a video I did of myself just prior. The video was supposed to be a tarot reading. But I didn’t get that far. I started hearing things, which to me was odd, because normally I don’t hear a darn thing in my apartment. But all of a sudden my hearing became super sensitive. Either that or I was just plain imagining it. Whatever the case I became very paranoid. So paranoid I began having a panic attack. That’s when I called my friend, freaking out.

Taking my medication and watching that video helped immensely. That’s when I texted her and told her I will not be doing that stuff anymore. Chances are I don’t think I’ll be spending much time at her house anymore. If we want to hang out it will have to be at my house. I would feel much safer.

That about sums up my relapse. Now, I’m dealing with the withdrawal, which means my anxiety is REALLY bad today. And it’s probably going to be bad for a week. At least, that’s what chatGPT told me. I’m also more tired than usual. Because of this I’m afraid to take all of my prn anxiety medication. I’m afraid it will make the tiredness worse. And I need to function at work.