Trauma Healing

April 1, 2026 is my new clean date, if people believe when you relapse you have to start all over. I don’t believe that, because I feel it discourages people from stopping. They get the case of the f*** its. I’ve been there. You can call it what you want.

I’m kinda depressed over the whole situation though. Prior to my relapse I was completely against it. I had so many bad things happen to me that it was not worth the heartbreak. But now, I think about the things I liked about it. And that causes cravings. I have to constantly remind myself it does not mix well with my medical cannabis. I use this for my PTSD symptoms.

I know I’ll be okay as long as I don’t hang around people that do it. But I don’t know what to do if it comes up around people/places I didn’t expect. I’ll have to make a plan with my therapist.

I had a really hard day at work today. I had a tremendous amount of anxiety. I’m surprised I made it through it. I think it’s still withdrawal symptoms. I’m going to bed early and hoping for a better morning/day tomorrow.

How did I get out of it? Well, I went from depression to anxiety. I don’t know which is worse.

Bobber has been really helpful though. I will admit I’ve been depressed, for at least three (3) days. I didn’t light a candle. I didn’t light any incense. For probably three (3) days. I was depressed.

I hate to change the subject right in the middle of a conversation, but I gotta talk about Bobber.

Bobber lets me pet him now. He also has been sleeping with me. I think Bobber is very aware of what I’m going through, and he’s offering some comfort. So, I guess I wasn’t completely off topic. It does relate to my current feelings.

I am really so grateful for Bobber. He gives me purpose to get moving every day. It was my grandkids for a very long time. But it seems I’m not much needed with them anymore. They’re getting older, growing up enough where my assistance is no longer much needed.

I will say that the honeymoon is over between me and Bobber. This cat cannot be left alone for long periods of time, he gets into mischief. I spent the night at a friend’s house last weekend and came home to all of my spheres rolling around on the floor. I still haven’t been able to find two (2) of them. They’ll show up eventually.

Life changes. And I have to change with it.

I’ve been sleeping a lot since my relapse. I blame it on depression. I just know how my body and brain work. It’ll be okay, one day at a time. Time to move on. Quit feeling guilty. Quit feeling depressed. Life just has to get better. I’m determined.

I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I’m sure she’ll be surprised that I am still clean. That drug is a hard one to move on from. People relapse constantly. Not me. Not so far. One day at a time. And that’s all a person can count on.

Peace ☮️ out.