Trauma Healing

Personal Experience Healing from Trauma

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Healing from trauma is a lifetime of work and dedication. Hi, my name is Cindy. I have started this blog to be more like a diary. I share my thoughts and experiences and joys so that I may touch just one heart out there. I won’t claim to know it all, as I am not a doctor. But what this is will be my own experience of trauma and recovery. And maybe a friend whom can share their wisdom as well. We are all walking this same journey in life. But all of our paths are different. I believe in oneness. I believe we are connected. Trauma doesn’t have to be huge to be trauma. Just being born can be a traumatic experience. Let’s talk about this and see where it goes.

  • It Happened Again. Twice Today

    Cyng

    Gods grace is everywhere. Dear God: I pray for peace for the whole world. I pray for peace for my family. I pray for peace for my friends. I pray for peace for my enemies. And I pray for peace for myself. It’s in Jesus name I pray. Amen

    Cyng

    Dear God, I pray for peace for everybody in the world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. I pray, in Jesus name. Amen

    Yes, it is true, I saw these both today. I actually saw 10;10 when I was driving as well, so I couldn’t get a picture of it.

    I truly believe God sends us messages. Whether we are doing good or bad. My intentions are pure. I never want to purposely hurt anyone. I actually have quite an interest in people. As an observer. I can feel things about people that they don’t even know about themselves. That’s why I have so few friends. I might point something out, not as a judgment, but as an observation, and I get myself into trouble.

    Cyng

    My cataract surgery went just fine. I wasn’t even aware, in and out in no time. But boy did my eye feel like it had been severely poked. It’s just now taming down to a dull roar. And I have a headache from the anesthesia.

    I learned something interesting at my appointment today, and I’m actually quite….. embarrassed (?). I have cataract surgery scheduled for the other eye on the 27th …. And I didn’t even know there was a cataract in it 🤔. He didn’t tell me about that one before. Either that or I wasn’t listening.

  • Feeling a Little Fear

    Istockphoto.com

    Another 3am wake up and I’m starting to feel nervous. I’m supposed to have cataract surgery on my right eye today. My medical insurance doesn’t cover laser surgery, so I had to opt for the traditional method. A blade in my eye ball! The thought of it is terrifying.

    I’m pretty much settled in my apartment and it feels really nice and comfy and cozy in here. It sounds like I may end up with a roommate. One of my siblings is struggling right now, so a place to stay may be needed for him. Give him time to get his life back in order.

    I’m really loving this apartment business. I absolutely love that I don’t have to worry about waking anybody up. I can run around in my underwear if I want to. Well, at least until I get this possible roommate anyway.

    I also found another client that works with the company I work for. She is very close in traveling distance, compared to where I’m at now. I’m driving 45-50 miles to work. If I switch clients it’s only about 15-20 miles away. So I put in my two (2) week notice at the place 45-50 miles away and will be starting with this new client in two (2) weeks.

    I do have some grief over leaving the other client. I feel horrible about it. I know they’re already short staffed. But that’s a problem everywhere. I have to do what works best for my situation. I probably would’ve stuck it out had I not moved. Where I was before was only, like, 40 miles. But in my new place it’s more like an hour.

    I still can’t afford to get much for food, so I run into town for a cup of coffee in the mornings. I need that morning cup.

    It is going to be quite tight for me from now on, as long as I’m living on my own. I forgot about all the necessary things you need. And food is one of them. Right now the only thing I can afford is the food shelf, so I made an appointment for that for next week. For now I guess it’s Smack Ramen Soup. The college dorm foods. Food is really no big deal for me. I eat once a day and soup sits in my stomach the best. I did go to the Fare for All in this town. $25 got me a box of meat which consisted of: a package of Chicken thighs, 1lb hamburger, a package of summer sausage, a package of hot dogs and a tenderloin roast. For an extra $7.50 I bought a quiche. And $4.50 got me a package of roasted baby potatoes. The quiche is my main interest right now. But I can’t eat anything until after my surgery.

    I know I’m jumping from subject to subject, but I still can’t believe how comfortable I feel in my new home. It’s amazing. I should’ve known to put more trust in God’s plans. The worrying and stress over it was a waste of valuable time. But I’m taking this as a lesson on faith.

  • Exhausted But Happy

    Istockphoto.com

    No, the woman in the picture is not me, but I guarantee that’s how I’m feeling this morning. Absolutely exhausted and my body just aches. I didn’t go to bed till probably 10:00 o’clock last night and I was up at 3am working on my apartment. Setting stuff up and putting stuff away and washing dishes I had stored.

    These past few days have just been hectic. I don’t think my body has moved this much in five (5) years. Being with my daughter and son-in-law I pretty much stuck to my bedroom. Now I have all this space and easy access to the kitchen and bathroom without fear of waking someone up.

    What I really like about this place is it’s all ground level apartments, so there’s nobody walking on top of me and I don’t have to worry about walking above anybody myself.

    But boy does my body ache this morning. I’m sure it’s from trying to carry heavy boxes out of storage. I had to ask myself Who packed these boxes so heavy?! I know it wasn’t me.

    I had to ask a friend of mine who helped pack when I moved. I don’t believe I packed boxes that heavy. I couldn’t even carry them. I couldn’t even lift them out of storage. But my great God came to the rescue. He sent my brother-in-law down to check on me. I was so thankful, cause I was thinking as I was trying to move these boxes Why didn’t I ask for help? But lo and behold help showed up. My brother-in-law got the two heavy boxes out and put them in my car. We then went to my apartment so he could help me get them in the house, then I ran him back home. He is such a compassionate man.

    I’m pretty sure I hurt my back trying to get those boxes out. My back, my legs, my whole body feels just wrecked. And I’ve got more to finish up today. Hopefully it’s the last day anyway. I know I still have stuff at my daughter’s I’ll have to get and clean that room eventually. But the most important stuff is done and I feel pretty good about that.

  • New Home Alter

    Cyng

    Today is my first day off for the next six (6) days. I really feel accomplished this morning. I woke up at 3am and went right to work on unpacking. I washed a lot of dishes already this morning. I’m pretty proud of myself for being so productive.

    The picture above is the alter I built in my new home. The stones on the bottom are Amethyst and Rose Quartz. Amethyst has a lot of meaning to it, but most importantly, it is a good stone for empaths. It’s known as a vital stone for experiencing a spiritual awakening. The are several purposes or meanings for it.

    Rose Quartz is all about love and compassion. Love for everybody, including self love.

    I picked four (4) random spheres out of my box and put them on my alter. I have Bloodstone, Orca Agate, Polychrome Jasper and Fluorite. Each of the spheres have their own meanings as well. I picked the out randomly of the fifty (50+) spheres I have (at one point I started giving them away to people as I saw fit. But so far that’s only been two (2) people, so I’m down to fifty (50).

    I’ll give you a little bit of meaning for each stone:

    Bloodstone- known for strength, protection, courage, confidence, purification, cleansing

    Orca Agate- The Orca agate has many symbolic meanings. Transformation, spiritual awakening, calming and patience, grounding, balance, good for meditation. The list is endless.

    Polychrome Jasper- Another busy stone, it aids in opportunity, motivation, meditation, knowledge, intuition, inner peace, inspiration, truth, trust. Again, an endless list.

    The last stone on my alter is Rainbow Fluorite. Again, this stone also has several meanings behind it and I’ll just list a few: known as the “genius” stone, it’s connected to mysticism. Clears mental fog, stops mental spirals, encourages mental harmony, creates a sense of calm, addresses stress related issues.

    All of these stones can be googled if you would like more in depth information on any of these spheres or my stones on the bottom shelf. I’m thinking about adding a couple more spheres on the bottom, but I just haven’t thought of the ones I’d like to place there. I kinda like my alter just the way it is.

    And if you’re wondering how I picked out four (4) spheres of fifty (50), all I did was go with my intuition, picked the four (4), then during my meditation practice I looked their meanings up and found all of them to be fitting for what I’m going through right now. Especially during this super full moon.

    Taken off Facebook

    They say your intuition increases during super full moons. I know my intuition is more powerful during this time.

  • Am I Giving My Heart Away?

    Istockphoto.com

    I do have one “friend” that I know reads my blog pretty regularly. So, if he’s reading, then this one is for him.

    This man is slowly stealing my heart. I like him. I can’t wait to spend more time getting to know him. He has lots of stories to tell. He’s a pretty quiet and reserved kind of man around other people, but when we kiss I definitely feel his passion. He’s a Capricorn to a T. His personality depicts it. I think we could have some interesting yet serious discussions about lots of things.

    I just feel like I haven’t spent enough time with him yet to really get involved. And for all I know he’s probably got several women on the hook (I can hear him laughing about this again like he did last night when I said that to him).

    What I like the most about him in the present moment is he is not too clingy. He doesn’t demand a ton of my attention and he tends to always find something to do without involving me. I’m very much an introvert so getting me out of the house can be like pulling teeth sometimes. But I like spending time with him.

    I won’t say any more about it, for now. I don’t want to overwhelm him if he reads this.

  • My Day Just Keeps Getting Better

    Cyng

    Here we have another double digit that I just happened to look at my phone and see.

    12:12 is often a message of encouragement and support from your angel guides. It’s signaling that you are on the right path for spiritual growth and new beginnings. It’s a reminder to stay positive and trust what is happening.

    I’ve been seeing double/triple digits for quite some time just randomly looking at my phone to use it for something and I run across these often.

    I believe in numerology and angel numbers. And that certain numbers mean things. I never used to believe in any of this kind of stuff until I got involved in some of the new age business. Which I know most Christian’s balk at me and my beliefs. I don’t care. I feel pleasant feelings from some of this new found stuff.

    Though I know in the Bible that to be a Christian means taking up your cross and following Jesus. God said in this world we will have troubles, being a Christian. But it’s almost like, if you’re not miserable than you’re not a Christian. Throwing old stuff away. Well…. I’ve got plenty of questions regarding this. What’s wrong with feeling positive from day to day instead of always carrying these heavy burdens? I am a believer in God, Jesus and the Bible. But my beliefs are probably not agreed upon, because I have so many beliefs beyond that. I don’t believe God wants us to be miserable in this world. I believe he wants us each to find some comfort in this world, as we follow Him.

    Like I said, I have so many questions about, not just Christianity, but other religions as well. Like, what makes the Christian religion right and the rest wrong? I personally feel culture determines faith. Every religion seems to have one important person, just like Christianity has Jesus, other religions have somebody.

    The only right is known by God. I think we all should pay more attention to our own sins and quit pointing fingers at other sinners. We all sin and the wages of sin is death.

  • Change

    Cyng

    I think the meaning of this number is change. There are great changes coming your way.

    Seeing the numbers 5:55 is interpreted as a message from the universe or spiritual guides that you are embarking on significant changes in your life. Which I am. Major positive changes are happening or are about to happen and that change should be embraced.

    It all makes perfect sense. I have a lot of good changes right now with moving and changing clients. It doesn’t get much clearer than that.

    What really amazes me is I was having so much anxiety, fear, overwhelm and overthinking over all these changes, but they have really become quite positive. I feel pretty comfortable and confident in my decisions.

    I need to start thinking positively rather than negatively about things, God’s got my back and he won’t give me more than I can handle. And if it’s something I can’t handle he finds a way out for me. This is biblical. Somewhere in 1 Corinthians I believe. It refers to sin, but I see it referring to many situations.

  • And the Moving Has Begun

    Istockphoto.com

    Just an update on the move. It’s actually been going quite smoothly, even through me working. My bedroom is almost empty. My family stepped up and helped. I so much appreciated it. I was able to sleep in my new apartment the first night, thanks to my family helping while I was working.

    I have to say that my first night there was amazing! It felt so good to walk around my place in the middle of the night without worrying about waking people up. I could dig in my own fridge (even though it’s pretty empty right now). But it’s just been great the past couple nights coming home to my apartment. I can’t believe I was stressing so much over it for what? For nothing. I have to say that I feel pretty good about it now.

    So far I’ve talked to one person since I’ve been there. I had noticed him parking really close to me on two occasions. I had the feeling that I had taken his parking spot and felt maybe the close parking was to put me on notice. But when I parked last night he again parked up really close to me. So when he got out of his truck I asked him if I had taken his parking spot. He said not really. There are no assigned parking spaces for apartments in the back, so you just have to find a spot and the spot I took was the spot he used to park. But he said it didn’t matter to him, it makes no difference in distance.

  • Could This Be The End?

    Idtockphoto.com

    I’m thinking about ending my blog. I don’t know, but for some reason it has become a triggering issue for me. All those bad things that happened to me 6/7 years ago started with a blog I had started. I’m afraid it’s going to happen again. I also remember it was this same time of year when I moved and started the blog. Then all that bad stuff started happening.

    I feel like an angel with broken wings after a tremendous battle with Satan. But I am recovering, finally. Five years later. Every church I’ve tried I don’t feel like I belong, so I made my own church. Temporarily. And that’s biblical. I just feel like I’ve been through more than most people. Though I know everybody has their own struggles. I don’t dwell on it like I used to, so that’s a blessing. But it still affects my life in small and big ways. I still talk about it from time to time. I think I’m lying to myself. I Maybe talk about it more than I realize.

    The lack of interest in a relationship is due to that old mess. And my mental health. I just don’t have the energy to put forth in a relationship. Or, maybe I just haven’t found the one that I want to make an effort for.

    Lately, when I think about posting something I start to get paranoid. I’m afraid people will know too much about me and mess with my head again.

    It’s just strange that I moved and started a blog again, at the same time of year (October).

  • Morning Meditation

    Romans 8:1-2 NIV – Quotes Creator

    My morning meditation usually includes reading a little in my Bible and choosing a fitting verse for me for the day, and this is the verse that stuck with me this morning.

    I don’t know what is going on with me this morning, but I am, like, petrified with anxiety. Thinking about moving and how unprepared I am. This is going to be a slow process. Because of my work schedule. But I’m hoping to pack my first load in the car today in preparation for tomorrow morning as I have to be there at 10am for the internet install. After that it’s a crap shoot when my bed is going to get there…..

    But ahhh, I just thought of something. I bought a twin bed for company that I can probably get to the house quicker than my own bed. It won’t hurt for me to sleep in that a couple nights.

    I just had to call and make an appointment with my med doctor. I don’t know that she can help me with my issues this week, but I’m hoping she can suggest something for me. My problem is my ruminating thoughts. And it’s all negative, predicting the future. It’s causing fear in me. And I freeze in fear. I can’t concentrate or focus on what I want to do about this moving business.

    Cyng

    Again, 11:11 and I pray: Dear Lord Jesus, please bring peace to everybody in the world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

    Second day this week looking at the time and seeing 11:11. Like I said, I’ve been seeing this almost daily. I just happen to look at the time and it’s 11:11.

    Cyng

    I’ve been dragging this post on for a few days trying to finish it. I had 1:11 come across my phone this morning. And again I pray my prayer: Dear God, I pray for peace for everybody in the world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

  • Very Fitting Picture

    Istockphoto.com

    I guess this picture is probably the most fitting. I just realized I moved from one client to another out of jealousy. I had been with that client for a very long time. Somebody came in and took my place. That’s just how I feel. And it’s my own fault for leaving her earlier to care for my relative. When I came back I was forgotten and she had established a new relationship with the employee that took my place.

    I knew I had been replaced when I was given the worst hours (for me). I don’t do well with afternoon shifts. I’ve got too much time before work to think about work, make myself sick, then end up not going. This cycle has been noticeable to me now that I’ve had time to reflect back.

    When I first started working there, of course, I always have anxiety starting something new. I worked the PM shift at that time and I was a wreck. Once I changed to mornings I excelled. Everybody noticed the difference in me.

    This new employee taking my place, now I feel/felt expendable. Like I’m no longer needed. And it hurt me, I won’t lie.

    So, I just went somewhere where I could work mornings. Where I’m at now is a difficult job for me. Not really difficult, but mentally challenging. And I think God is doing this on purpose. I’m working with a male client. And God knows my fear of males. God is strengthening me. He is forcing me to deal with things I need to deal with. And he’s doing a great job at it (that’s sarcasm). No, seriously, this is teaching me something. And when I’m done learning I will pass my wisdom on.

    I’ve learned from this experience that God will move you when it’s time for you to move. And he’s moving me. I’ve been procrastinating long enough. It’s somebody else’s turn and I’m sure it is for the betterment of all involved.

    My job is a pretty easy job. But I find it very mentally challenging. It takes patience, discipline, social interaction, etc. I find these things challenging. Maybe not so for the average human being. But really, all it boils down to is getting used to a different routine.

  • If I Could Wish Upon a Star

    Istovkphoto.com

    If I could wish upon a star, I wouldn’t look very far. I’d pray for those who’ve gone astray, though they may not know it.

    I woke up at 3am this time and I actually accomplished something I didn’t think I’d be able to do. I sorted through all of my mail. I’m a mail hoarder. It’s hard for me to throw mail away. No matter what it is, I usually end up with three (3) years of mail I’m hanging onto for no reason other than I might need it or read it sometime (I actually kinda chuckle when I say that). I don’t understand this need to keep mail around for such a long time, but I’m guilty of it.

    I’ve got my first moving load ready to go. When the day comes I’ll be ready. Now that I’ve emptied my tote of mail I can put it to some other good use. There’s still plenty more to pack up. I’m having a hard time taking my alter apart just yet. But it will happen, now that I’ve got this empty tote to use. Probably a last minute take down though. I can’t imagine sleeping at night without it.

    Day Two (2): I can’t believe I slept most of the night, which is pretty amazing, since I didn’t take my sleep medication. I woke up at 6am. I think I fell asleep around 10pm.

    I’d like to talk about the last person I attempted to “date”. It was hard for me to get attached to him and for several reasons. We dated for nine (9) months. We were hardly ever alone. I could tell right away that he would get over me rather quickly, if we were to fight or part. And he did. And I am very happy for him. But, to be honest, that’s what made it so hard to grow feelings for him. I knew these things about him (intuition). I could say other things, but I’ll just keep the rest to myself.

    I’m not sure what brought him to mind. 🤔

    I have an important eye appointment this morning. I learned at my last eye appointment that I have a cataract in my right eye. I knew something wasn’t right because my vision was getting really bad. I thought I just needed glasses, but found out otherwise. I find out this morning when they’re going to get rid of it. It affects my job, because part of my job is transporting. But with my vision being so poor I’ve been very shy about driving clients around. That’s why I need to get this taken care of right away. It makes me feel partially useless at work.

    I personally cannot wait to get this eye problem resolved. It’s become very noticeable when I’m driving. My vision is distorted and it’s most noticeable when I’m driving or when the sun is out or the glare from headlights at night. I honestly feel like I’m down to one good eye.

    My mood is much better this morning than yesterday. I was actually feeling pretty unwell yesterday. I think it was lack of sleep. I had been up since 3am. By afternoon I just wasn’t feeling well. But I think this last nights sleep helped a lot.

    I’ve been down in my room sitting in silence since yesterday. Normally I’ve got YouTube meditation music on, but I haven’t had the TV on since the night before last.

    Anyway, time to get rolling for the day. I hope everyone has a great day! I know I will.

  • If you’re interested in Politics

    Istockphoto.com

    I’m just saying Trump came in with a hard hand. And getting to know him in time has left me with an issue. He’s doing what he can to make people happy. And he’s showing them how people really behave under the authority of a president like Trump.

    He’s been pretty much fighting everything. He can’t make a decision without it going to court. I’m surprised this president doesn’t throw his hands in the air and say *********. That’s just my personal opinion.

    I’m pretty sure I’m going to get banned now.

    But he doesn’t give up. And he listens to everybody. All the way down to the unemployed. Everybody will get their chance with Trump. As it says in the Bible. You should read it.

    Why are we allowing all of this? Because we are in a time of a new age trying to take over the other age.

    Watching another video. If it’s any good I’ll pass it on.

    No, something hit me wrong and I decided to end it.

    The end

  • Let’s Watch YouTube

    Istockphoto.com

    First and foremost I want to say that I am an old lady from the sticks, so understanding my words may mix you up. I’ve also got a mental illness, so please keep that in mind.

    I’m sorry, but I get a lot of my information from YouTube. Now I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but it’s better than main stream media. If I need to know something, the facts, I go to YouTube. Now don’t get me wrong that I believe everything I watch on there. But what I like to see on there are real people. Speaking real business.

    I’m not ashamed to say that I voted for Trump. He is turning lives around. He is showing us the good and the evil in the world. It’s definitely a fight between Satan and ….. um. … well… Trump. WITH ALL OF GODS POWER RIGHT BESIDE HIM.

    Now, I have read my Bible back to front then back again a few times. But I don’t take notes. I don’t memorize verses. I just remember things I’ve read. And I remember the man who was facing a battle, but he was not afraid, like the rest of his soldiers. He wasn’t afraid because he could see who was fighting for them. And that was God and the Angels. He could see them. And they won the war.

    These are things to believe in. You’ve seen it time and time again. I see it. Today. People are angry. Hateful. Vengeful. And why? Because Trump is president? What is happening to this world? And I know no matter I say, it’s not going to make a difference. Because you can’t expect somebody to see the color blue when all they see is purple. And that’s the bottom line. (That’s also not exactly how I wanted to put it, but I was too afraid).

    There is definitely evil out there. How can you not see it? I can see it. I’m sure many people can see it. It’s not hiding its ugly face anymore.

    I myself have a lot of beliefs that may be unconventional. But one things for certain, I do believe in God. And everything that’s been talked about in the Bible is happening. I’m fifty-five (55) years old. I look back in the past. When I was younger. What was going on? Not as much as what’s going on today, that’s for sure.

    It used to be okay for young friends to go hang out around town. Walk to their friend’s house. Walk to school. You can’t trust any of that anymore. It’s the wickedness of the world. I don’t understand why we’re not coming together against this?! Just look around.

    Empowering Our Next Generation of Leaders-

    Idk, maybe I’ll be noticed by the principals I live by. The funny thing of it is I am.

    I found it interesting how people on the show talked so fast. Like they had a lot to say in a very short time.

  • Quick Morning Post

    Messages from the Guides – James Van Praagh

    I just wanted to pull a card quick before I left for work. This is a great card to start out my day. Just be myself. And, as well, so should everybody else.

    I slept kind of crappy again last night. I was up and down quite a bit until about 2am. Then I finally stayed asleep until 7:15am this morning. It never seems to fail. I’m either waking up at 2am or just finally getting to sleep at 2am. My sleep patterns are way out of whack and I really should go back to that neurologist.

    Today is going to be a positive day, whether I’m feeling it in the moment or not. I always check my mood when I wake up. Sometimes I wake up full of anxiety with no clue why. I woke up with some anxiety this morning, because I know I’m going to work and work does make me pretty anxious. It’s hard for me when I don’t know from day to day how my time at work is going to go, so I always wake up with some anxiety about it.

    I moved to a new client just recently, because at my other client’s mornings were full and I don’t do well with afternoon shifts. It gives me too much time to stress about work before I even get there. There has been lots of times I called in on afternoon shifts. Mornings are a much better fit for me.