Trauma Healing

Personal Experience Healing from Trauma

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Healing from trauma is a lifetime of work and dedication. Hi, my name is Cindy. I have started this blog to be more like a diary. I share my thoughts and experiences and joys so that I may touch just one heart out there. I won’t claim to know it all, as I am not a doctor. But what this is will be my own experience of trauma and recovery. And maybe a friend whom can share their wisdom as well. We are all walking this same journey in life. But all of our paths are different. I believe in oneness. I believe we are connected. Trauma doesn’t have to be huge to be trauma. Just being born can be a traumatic experience. Let’s talk about this and see where it goes.

  • Morning Meditation

    Romans 8:1-2 NIV – Quotes Creator

    My morning meditation usually includes reading a little in my Bible and choosing a fitting verse for me for the day, and this is the verse that stuck with me this morning.

    I don’t know what is going on with me this morning, but I am, like, petrified with anxiety. Thinking about moving and how unprepared I am. This is going to be a slow process. Because of my work schedule. But I’m hoping to pack my first load in the car today in preparation for tomorrow morning as I have to be there at 10am for the internet install. After that it’s a crap shoot when my bed is going to get there…..

    But ahhh, I just thought of something. I bought a twin bed for company that I can probably get to the house quicker than my own bed. It won’t hurt for me to sleep in that a couple nights.

    I just had to call and make an appointment with my med doctor. I don’t know that she can help me with my issues this week, but I’m hoping she can suggest something for me. My problem is my ruminating thoughts. And it’s all negative, predicting the future. It’s causing fear in me. And I freeze in fear. I can’t concentrate or focus on what I want to do about this moving business.

    Cyng

    Again, 11:11 and I pray: Dear Lord Jesus, please bring peace to everybody in the world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

    Second day this week looking at the time and seeing 11:11. Like I said, I’ve been seeing this almost daily. I just happen to look at the time and it’s 11:11.

    Cyng

    I’ve been dragging this post on for a few days trying to finish it. I had 1:11 come across my phone this morning. And again I pray my prayer: Dear God, I pray for peace for everybody in the world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

  • Very Fitting Picture

    Istockphoto.com

    I guess this picture is probably the most fitting. I just realized I moved from one client to another out of jealousy. I had been with that client for a very long time. Somebody came in and took my place. That’s just how I feel. And it’s my own fault for leaving her earlier to care for my relative. When I came back I was forgotten and she had established a new relationship with the employee that took my place.

    I knew I had been replaced when I was given the worst hours (for me). I don’t do well with afternoon shifts. I’ve got too much time before work to think about work, make myself sick, then end up not going. This cycle has been noticeable to me now that I’ve had time to reflect back.

    When I first started working there, of course, I always have anxiety starting something new. I worked the PM shift at that time and I was a wreck. Once I changed to mornings I excelled. Everybody noticed the difference in me.

    This new employee taking my place, now I feel/felt expendable. Like I’m no longer needed. And it hurt me, I won’t lie.

    So, I just went somewhere where I could work mornings. Where I’m at now is a difficult job for me. Not really difficult, but mentally challenging. And I think God is doing this on purpose. I’m working with a male client. And God knows my fear of males. God is strengthening me. He is forcing me to deal with things I need to deal with. And he’s doing a great job at it (that’s sarcasm). No, seriously, this is teaching me something. And when I’m done learning I will pass my wisdom on.

    I’ve learned from this experience that God will move you when it’s time for you to move. And he’s moving me. I’ve been procrastinating long enough. It’s somebody else’s turn and I’m sure it is for the betterment of all involved.

    My job is a pretty easy job. But I find it very mentally challenging. It takes patience, discipline, social interaction, etc. I find these things challenging. Maybe not so for the average human being. But really, all it boils down to is getting used to a different routine.

  • If I Could Wish Upon a Star

    Istovkphoto.com

    If I could wish upon a star, I wouldn’t look very far. I’d pray for those who’ve gone astray, though they may not know it.

    I woke up at 3am this time and I actually accomplished something I didn’t think I’d be able to do. I sorted through all of my mail. I’m a mail hoarder. It’s hard for me to throw mail away. No matter what it is, I usually end up with three (3) years of mail I’m hanging onto for no reason other than I might need it or read it sometime (I actually kinda chuckle when I say that). I don’t understand this need to keep mail around for such a long time, but I’m guilty of it.

    I’ve got my first moving load ready to go. When the day comes I’ll be ready. Now that I’ve emptied my tote of mail I can put it to some other good use. There’s still plenty more to pack up. I’m having a hard time taking my alter apart just yet. But it will happen, now that I’ve got this empty tote to use. Probably a last minute take down though. I can’t imagine sleeping at night without it.

    Day Two (2): I can’t believe I slept most of the night, which is pretty amazing, since I didn’t take my sleep medication. I woke up at 6am. I think I fell asleep around 10pm.

    I’d like to talk about the last person I attempted to “date”. It was hard for me to get attached to him and for several reasons. We dated for nine (9) months. We were hardly ever alone. I could tell right away that he would get over me rather quickly, if we were to fight or part. And he did. And I am very happy for him. But, to be honest, that’s what made it so hard to grow feelings for him. I knew these things about him (intuition). I could say other things, but I’ll just keep the rest to myself.

    I’m not sure what brought him to mind. 🤔

    I have an important eye appointment this morning. I learned at my last eye appointment that I have a cataract in my right eye. I knew something wasn’t right because my vision was getting really bad. I thought I just needed glasses, but found out otherwise. I find out this morning when they’re going to get rid of it. It affects my job, because part of my job is transporting. But with my vision being so poor I’ve been very shy about driving clients around. That’s why I need to get this taken care of right away. It makes me feel partially useless at work.

    I personally cannot wait to get this eye problem resolved. It’s become very noticeable when I’m driving. My vision is distorted and it’s most noticeable when I’m driving or when the sun is out or the glare from headlights at night. I honestly feel like I’m down to one good eye.

    My mood is much better this morning than yesterday. I was actually feeling pretty unwell yesterday. I think it was lack of sleep. I had been up since 3am. By afternoon I just wasn’t feeling well. But I think this last nights sleep helped a lot.

    I’ve been down in my room sitting in silence since yesterday. Normally I’ve got YouTube meditation music on, but I haven’t had the TV on since the night before last.

    Anyway, time to get rolling for the day. I hope everyone has a great day! I know I will.

  • If you’re interested in Politics

    Istockphoto.com

    I’m just saying Trump came in with a hard hand. And getting to know him in time has left me with an issue. He’s doing what he can to make people happy. And he’s showing them how people really behave under the authority of a president like Trump.

    He’s been pretty much fighting everything. He can’t make a decision without it going to court. I’m surprised this president doesn’t throw his hands in the air and say *********. That’s just my personal opinion.

    I’m pretty sure I’m going to get banned now.

    But he doesn’t give up. And he listens to everybody. All the way down to the unemployed. Everybody will get their chance with Trump. As it says in the Bible. You should read it.

    Why are we allowing all of this? Because we are in a time of a new age trying to take over the other age.

    Watching another video. If it’s any good I’ll pass it on.

    No, something hit me wrong and I decided to end it.

    The end

  • Let’s Watch YouTube

    Istockphoto.com

    First and foremost I want to say that I am an old lady from the sticks, so understanding my words may mix you up. I’ve also got a mental illness, so please keep that in mind.

    I’m sorry, but I get a lot of my information from YouTube. Now I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but it’s better than main stream media. If I need to know something, the facts, I go to YouTube. Now don’t get me wrong that I believe everything I watch on there. But what I like to see on there are real people. Speaking real business.

    I’m not ashamed to say that I voted for Trump. He is turning lives around. He is showing us the good and the evil in the world. It’s definitely a fight between Satan and ….. um. … well… Trump. WITH ALL OF GODS POWER RIGHT BESIDE HIM.

    Now, I have read my Bible back to front then back again a few times. But I don’t take notes. I don’t memorize verses. I just remember things I’ve read. And I remember the man who was facing a battle, but he was not afraid, like the rest of his soldiers. He wasn’t afraid because he could see who was fighting for them. And that was God and the Angels. He could see them. And they won the war.

    These are things to believe in. You’ve seen it time and time again. I see it. Today. People are angry. Hateful. Vengeful. And why? Because Trump is president? What is happening to this world? And I know no matter I say, it’s not going to make a difference. Because you can’t expect somebody to see the color blue when all they see is purple. And that’s the bottom line. (That’s also not exactly how I wanted to put it, but I was too afraid).

    There is definitely evil out there. How can you not see it? I can see it. I’m sure many people can see it. It’s not hiding its ugly face anymore.

    I myself have a lot of beliefs that may be unconventional. But one things for certain, I do believe in God. And everything that’s been talked about in the Bible is happening. I’m fifty-five (55) years old. I look back in the past. When I was younger. What was going on? Not as much as what’s going on today, that’s for sure.

    It used to be okay for young friends to go hang out around town. Walk to their friend’s house. Walk to school. You can’t trust any of that anymore. It’s the wickedness of the world. I don’t understand why we’re not coming together against this?! Just look around.

    Empowering Our Next Generation of Leaders-

    Idk, maybe I’ll be noticed by the principals I live by. The funny thing of it is I am.

    I found it interesting how people on the show talked so fast. Like they had a lot to say in a very short time.

  • Quick Morning Post

    Messages from the Guides – James Van Praagh

    I just wanted to pull a card quick before I left for work. This is a great card to start out my day. Just be myself. And, as well, so should everybody else.

    I slept kind of crappy again last night. I was up and down quite a bit until about 2am. Then I finally stayed asleep until 7:15am this morning. It never seems to fail. I’m either waking up at 2am or just finally getting to sleep at 2am. My sleep patterns are way out of whack and I really should go back to that neurologist.

    Today is going to be a positive day, whether I’m feeling it in the moment or not. I always check my mood when I wake up. Sometimes I wake up full of anxiety with no clue why. I woke up with some anxiety this morning, because I know I’m going to work and work does make me pretty anxious. It’s hard for me when I don’t know from day to day how my time at work is going to go, so I always wake up with some anxiety about it.

    I moved to a new client just recently, because at my other client’s mornings were full and I don’t do well with afternoon shifts. It gives me too much time to stress about work before I even get there. There has been lots of times I called in on afternoon shifts. Mornings are a much better fit for me.

  • Third Card They Say Is a Charm

    Message from the Guides – James Van Praagh

    They say the third card is a charm. I got this same card as this morning. Now I really need to pay attention to what I’m doing. It’s making me wonder. What have I done now that is going to alter my world?

    I am so glad I don’t do meth anymore. This card, getting twice in one day, would have me totally freaked out. I was a complete idiot.

    I do believe in the validity of it though. The card. To get it again is making me wonder what I’ve done wrong? And that’s the reason I ended up throwing cards away and giving them away and reselling them. Some of this stuff I take literal.

    Like I said in a previous post, I believe in a lot of things. I believe God sends messengers or messages. And it can come from anywhere. A card, a book, a TV show, etc. Whatever will lead you to conviction to change.

    I need to pay more attention to what I’m doing today. Every action causes a reaction. I just don’t know how to be any kinder. Any better. Right in this moment.

    I do wonder a lot whether I should even be doing this blog? The last time I started a blog was when I was on meth. And somehow it ended up getting hacked into. Or maybe it was my imagination.

    That’s the thing that pisses me off so bad about that man. He apologized. But won’t tell me specifically what he’s apologizing for. Because he can’t be honest I cannot trust him. And that includes lunch dates.

  • My Daily Prayer

    Cyng

    I see 11:11 quite often and when I see it I pray this prayer: God, I pray for peace. Peace in this world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

    I say this prayer anytime I see 11:11, in which I’ve been seeing quite often and I know it’s supposed to be a message from the angels. I used to have an angel number book. But I threw out A LOT of new age items I had picked up during my meth binge. At one time I had about 200 decks of tarot cards and oracle cards. And in time I have gotten rid of them, mostly sold them off to metaphysical shops. Some I actually just threw away. I’m embarrassed to say that out loud, because I know a lot of people will balk at that. But in my confusion on what I should be standing for I just up and threw the last batch away and in time I’ve picked up five (5) more decks. With the new deck my friend gave me that makes six (6). I mainly kept the odd ones. The ones that meant something to me. I don’t spend a lot of time with them like I used to. Those days are over.

    I started on tarot cards shortly after I started on meth. For some reason the person I was dating at the time (who introduced me to the meth) suggested we watch tarot readings on YouTube. I thought that was the strangest request, especially since I actually watched a tarot reading on YouTube the night before and never told him. I seriously think he was spying on me in some electronic fashion. Why else would he ask me to watch a tarot reading completely out of the blue? Yes, that man messed with my head in the worst way. He knew I suffered a mental illness and he totally took advantage of that.

    And I know why he messed with my head. I had inadvertently told him I was seeing my ex husband at the same time I was seeing him. What he gave me in return for that admission was Karma. He really messed with my head. He told me these tarot readers were talking specifically to me. And that I should be careful.

    I wish I could share the whole story of the two (2) year meth binge, and maybe sometime I will elaborate. But I feel like I’ve talked this situation out. I still have scars that will probably never go away from that experience. But I have to trudge on.

    The last time I spoke to him he asked me to lunch. This was after he got busted and was dealing with court. I said no thank you. I am not interested in digging up the past. He blocked me after that. And I am not upset about it one bit.

    People are always blocking me. It hurts at first. But then I realize I really am not the piece of ooz people think I am. They’re just upset because I set boundaries. And they don’t like it.

    To be honest I really don’t care who blocks me. Not anymore. I am finding that my life is less complex being blocked, because it prevents me from reaching out when I’m feeling lonely or isolated. unhealthy responses to true feelings.

    And to be honest with you, I do have some very good friends that I don’t give enough credit to. And I’m actually quite ashamed of myself for saying I have no friends, because I can actually name at least five (5) friends I do have that accept me no matter what. And my immediate family is a huge support.

    I know I’m really hard on myself, because of the negativity that goes on around me. But I truly believe if I can stay away from the unhealthy people I will be okay.

  • Another Early Morning

    Istockphoto.com

    I woke up again at 2am and this time I was at a friends house. I couldn’t fall back to sleep, so I came home, hoping my own bed would make a difference, but it didn’t really.

    My friend gave me a deck of oracle cards. I pulled my first card this morning:

    Messages from the Guides – James Van Praagh

    It does have a guidebook with it that I read for that card and it was a deep conviction for me. For every action I take there is a reaction. I need to hold myself more accountable.

    I still find myself seething over my younger sister and I don’t know if it’s jealousy or what? She’s had everything handed to her without putting forth any effort. And now she’s got the property that the house sits on. She kicked me off one day when I stopped by to visit my brother. I guess nobody is allowed there anymore. Not even my brother. All I’ve gotta say is she better be prepared to take care of all the garbage around there. When the water pump breaks, she can fix it. The grass? She can mow. The septic system, their problem. Between her and her foreign husband, they should be able to manage just fine. I guess since she’s been the one caring for my mother it only seems right. But man, why does got to be such a b**** about it.

    It really kind of bums me out that our family is… so lost. Nobody associates with anybody. I think the cost of remembering things is just too great to get past.

    I drew my second card for the day:

    Messages from the Guides – James Van Praagh

    And it would be worry. I read the guide and was once again convicted. I do have a problem with uncontrolled worrying. Once I start I can’t stop. At some point I get into a panic attach, unless my worry is put to rest.

    Sometimes I just can’t help myself. I’m an over thinker. The medication I take keeps it calmed down a bit, but it’s still there and I notice it in certain situations.

    Right now I’m still stuck on my anger towards my youngest sister. And it’s not really even anger, just heavily disappointed in her and her behavior. And lack of empathy.

    It’s such a beautiful day out this morning. What am I going to do to make the most out of it? Enjoy the peace and quiet.

  • Cleansing My Space

    Cyng

    Today I am burning some palo santo in my bedroom. I love the smell and I consider it cleansing to my space. Yes, cleansing away the evil spirits. Though I know we’re supposed to rely on God and the Bible for these things, it helps to actively do something. In my eyes it’s no different than anointing your room with Holy water. And I don’t believe only a priest or pastor can do it. I think anybody with the right intentions can do it.

    Yes, I believe there are spirits roaming this earth. Some are good and some are not so good. God doesn’t allow us to visually see them, because we are supposed to be soldiers for Christ and if we saw the spiritual warfare we’d be too scared to put on the armor of God and fight, like we do every day.

    The Charlie Kirk incident still bothers the heck out of me. I can’t believe somebody’s life was taken just because of their beliefs. I mean, you hear about that kind of stuff going on in other countries, but here? In the United States? My heart agonizes over it. And I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to believe. I’ve met evil while on meth, so I know it’s there.

    Each day the terror on people gets worse and worse. And it’s going to continue to get worse until we can come together as a nation and pray against this evil force that is running rampant on the streets.

    I don’t even know or understand why people are fighting? I don’t think they even know what the fight is about. But the fight should be about the glory of God, not bickering over petty differences. We need to come together as a collective and stomp this evil out.

    Amen

  • What’s Complex PTSD? And How is it Different from PTSD?

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    It’s 2am again and I’m blogging.

    What’s this complex PTSD about? And how does it differentiate from PTSD? My therapist diagnosed me with it a few months ago, rather than PTSD. I’m not sure how she determined that, other than the fifty (50) questions she asked. To be honest, it doesn’t surprise me. I’ve been doing some reading on it, and watching things about it for a while, wondering if that, was in fact, my true diagnosis.

    The funny thing about trauma is it creeps out at any point of your life. And it seems to show during the messiest times.

    Things like separation, divorce, moving, relationships, war, drugs, etc. These things are considered traumatic incidents. Or life events PTSD relates to.

    Complex PTSD pertains to not just one single event, but ongoing, repeated and prolonged trauma or the same event over and over again for a prolonged period of time in your life.

    To put it plainly, PTSD is a single event or series of single events. Whereas Complex PTDS is a prolonged event. It can be compared to a prisoner of war, it can pertain to prolonged abuse and neglect.

    I’ve also read or watched a few shows on YouTube on C-PTSD and have learned that actually healing from C-PTSD is very difficult.

    I’ve heard that most people with narcissistic personality disorder are sufferers of C-PTSD.

    Bottom line, I’ve read a lot of negative things about it. And that it’s not really curable.

    So where do we go from here?

    I don’t know. I don’t see other people struggle like I struggle. But I’m sure we all struggle during our own hard times. But it explains why I can’t keep a friendship or a relationship anyway.

    I shouldn’t say it’s not curable. That in itself already sounds defeating. I’ve just heard this, I don’t know the validity of it. I recommend watching The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. Her channel pertains to C-PTSD and new habits or tools you can use to become a better version of yourself. She caught my eye one day, so I watched a few of her videos.

    And I don’t believe it’s necessarily incurable. I think it gets diagnosed too late in a persons life to be able to make effective lasting changes. I kind of wish I was diagnosed with this a long time ago, when I had the will to fight. Now, I’m so old I just don’t care anymore. I mean, I don’t need to deal with this. Nobody else does.

    But ahhhh, I want to learn. So I do care. So here I am.

  • God is the Answer

    Istockphoto.com

    We don’t know for sure what this person is reading, but we can assume it’s the Holy Bible if we want to. Whatever book it is it’s a treasure.

    I believe in the Holy Bible. I also believe in other writings as well. I believe God sends us messengers. We just need to know when and who to listen to.

    We are all connected in my eyes. That person you walked by, you could have smiled. And maybe this person could’ve smiled back at you. This could have been the start of something new. But that old liar fear steps in. Next thing you know you’re tongue tied. And you miss your opportunity. That doesn’t mean it will never come around again. It just means you missed this cycle, and it’ll come back around, maybe sooner maybe later.

    I believe in the cosmos. I believe the planets have some kind of pull over our bodies, mentally and physically. So, sometimes we’re just not ourselves. Or, lots of times. Because energy is fluid. It doesn’t stick around. We move just as the tide moves.

    People might think I’m absolutely nuts talking this way. I don’t know if it’s my mental health or what I’ve been through. The trauma

    I know I haven’t healed from it, because I still talk about it. It’s like it was just yesterday. But it was five (5), even seven (7) years ago. Im not nearly so torn up about it as I have been in the past, but it’s definitely still in the back of my mind, festering.

    I felt completely ambushed. I had no clue what the stuff was. I’ve only ever drank or smoked pot in my entire life. And I decided to try meth at age 48? I was told it was crank. Well, back in my day crank was different (wasn’t it?). I never tried crank in my teenage years, I’ve just heard the word.

    None of it even matters anymore. Life has turned around full circle and it’s time to move on. Yet the struggle is real trying to keep it out of my mind. The trauma I endured during that time. The person I am today is not the same person before meth entered my life. Some of it is for the good, but other parts, not so good. My memory is not very good anymore. I tend to blame it on the trauma.

    My life was like a Lifetime movie. And the funny thing is, when I got into my last argument with my ex I told him that he was going to feel like he was in a lifetime movie. It just goes to show my belief now in karma and harm no one. Because things come around full circle. I knew I was under a spell of some sort. I had put this stuff on my blog back at that time. And the whole role reversed on me. Nothing bad happened to him. It all happened to me. Not that I was trying to cause him harm…. Well, actually, I guess I was. I was on meth, and when you partake in meth you do all kinds of strange things. My strange behavior gave me a restraining order by him. And I hold no grudges for that. I was being a complete weirdo, and I’m sure my weirdness was a concern.

    That restraining order was my saving grace. I snapped out of whatever meth spell I was under and went and got help. I am grateful to say I am five (5+) years clean from that garbage, yet it still affects my life. Because, like I said, I am no longer the person I was before. But I could be an even better version at the same time.

  • 2am Ramblings

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    It is, yet again, 2am and I am awake. I thought it was coffee time, until I went upstairs and saw an empty pot. I looked at the time. 2am in the middle of the darn morning. Now what?

    Well, as long as I’m awake I might as well show you some of the braclets I was told I had to get rid of.

    Cyn

    This is only one wrist, I can’t get a picture of the other wrist, I’m not that coordinated with my phone in my left hand.

    But all of these bracelets have meaning to me. I’m not ready to give them up. And that’s my own business between me and God. I don’t think it’s anybody else’s business.

    Istockphoto.com

    I’m still stuck on Charlie Kirk’s death and that it was prophesied in the book of Revelation. Chapter 11, to be exact. I hope people get their Bibles out and read it for themselves. It talks about how people will celebrate his death. Because he was a prophet sent from God to spread the good news and awareness to the community.

    People are being warned. And they don’t even hear or see the warning. God said on the last days people won’t even be prepared. Nobody is looking. It’s going to happen at the blink of an eye. The candle lamps will just burn out.

    Istockphoto.com

    Psalm 104:34– May my meditation be pleasing to him, as I rejoice in the Lord.

    There you go. Meditation is spoken of in the Bible. And it’s not spoken of in a bad manner. That’s why I always do my research before I just randomly believe everything I hear.

    Istockphoto.com

    Well, I did end up dozing back off about 3:30am and am just waking up for the day now, 7am. I hope everyone has themselves a wonderful day. May blessings fall on all of us. Amen.

  • Mean Parents

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    I was in trouble a lot when I was growing up. I didn’t get much recognition for anything, not even for just being alive. Both my parents treated me horribly, compared to the rest of my siblings. But if you were to talk to each of us separately we would all have completely different recollections of the past. Some things I remember my siblings don’t. Things my siblings remember, I don’t. The bottom line is we all suffered tremendously. And I’m not saying this for pity. Talking about it is healing, whether the rest of the family wants me sharing or not.

    Everyone is ashamed and afraid of their past memories. Well, I’m not. I know my parents were horrible. Have I forgiven them? Yes, to a point. Am I blaming them for my current rotten behaviors? No. I’m responsible for my own healing.

    I forgave my father after they had that house fire. He apologized to me in his own way and that was acceptable for me. He told me he really appreciated me changing his bandages and helping him with his stretching exercises. When he put it that way, I forgave him. I saw him in a different light. Because he changed.

    My mother, on the other hand, we cannot get along if our lives depended on it. I want to say she apologized and I accepted her apology. But I just recently learned that the text she sent me, she also sent to other people; apologizing. I knew there was an ulterior motive to this apology. She was upset and feeling rejected by my youngest sister, because she was giving my mom the silent treatment until my mom got rid of all the cats.

    I feel very alone in this life. I’ve got a family that is not healing, has no interest in healing and would rather live their messed up lives the way they are. It’s frustrating to me, because I believe they can do better. Be better. But people get stuck in their own negative mindset. And you can’t change that. Or, I can’t change it for them anyway.

    My support system is my immediate family; my daughter, son in law and grandkids. I think I even feel my son in laws family’s support as well. Specifically his mother and grandfather. They help me to feel like I’m part of the family. And that makes me feel really good.

  • Overwhelm, Another Symptom of Unresolved Trauma

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    I’m still having a hard time with my bedroom. I look around at everything that needs to be packed, I stand up to do something, look around and sit right back down. I know this is either a symptom of my mental illness or it’s a symptom of unresolved trauma still lingering. You know, brain fog?

    A part of my procrastination is fear. I’m excited about the move, yet nervous at the same time. I have not been on my own in five (5) years. I’m afraid I’m going to fall into the same traps. I haven’t told anybody I am moving, except a couple of close friends and my family. That in itself is a good start. The last time I attempted to move out on my own I was back within three (3) months. It was way too triggering for me. I moved to the exact same town in the exact same apartment. How weird was that? I moved in September 1 and moved out before Christmas. The excitement lasted two (2) weeks, then the triggers started. I had told too many people I was moving. And most of them were male friends. I didn’t realize they were looking to date me. I thought they were just friends. But they all wanted to come visit me. It was then I realized these men want something from me. It scared me. It made me realize my boundaries were still very poor.

    I ended up not letting anyone over and moving out. It was all too triggering for me. This time around is more discreet. I mean, people probably know I’m moving, but not because I told them. Therefore, there’s no need to feel obligated to allow anybody at my place.

    But I am looking forward to my own space. If I wake up in the middle of the night I don’t have to worry about waking anybody else up. I have complete access to my own refrigerator. I can get up in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. There’s a lot of good pros to moving. I just need to make sure I continue to be choosy about who I tell or allow over.