Healing from trauma is a lifetime of work and dedication. Hi, my name is Cindy. I have started this blog to be more like a diary. I share my thoughts and experiences and joys so that I may touch just one heart out there. I won’t claim to know it all, as I am not a doctor. But what this is will be my own experience of trauma and recovery. And maybe a friend whom can share their wisdom as well. We are all walking this same journey in life. But all of our paths are different. I believe in oneness. I believe we are connected. Trauma doesn’t have to be huge to be trauma. Just being born can be a traumatic experience. Let’s talk about this and see where it goes.
They say the third card is a charm. I got this same card as this morning. Now I really need to pay attention to what I’m doing. It’s making me wonder. What have I done now that is going to alter my world?
I am so glad I don’t do meth anymore. This card, getting twice in one day, would have me totally freaked out. I was a complete idiot.
I do believe in the validity of it though. The card. To get it again is making me wonder what I’ve done wrong? And that’s the reason I ended up throwing cards away and giving them away and reselling them. Some of this stuff I take literal.
Like I said in a previous post, I believe in a lot of things. I believe God sends messengers or messages. And it can come from anywhere. A card, a book, a TV show, etc. Whatever will lead you to conviction to change.
I need to pay more attention to what I’m doing today. Every action causes a reaction. I just don’t know how to be any kinder. Any better. Right in this moment.
I do wonder a lot whether I should even be doing this blog? The last time I started a blog was when I was on meth. And somehow it ended up getting hacked into. Or maybe it was my imagination.
That’s the thing that pisses me off so bad about that man. He apologized. But won’t tell me specifically what he’s apologizing for. Because he can’t be honest I cannot trust him. And that includes lunch dates.
I see 11:11 quite often and when I see it I pray this prayer: God, I pray for peace. Peace in this world. Peace for my family. Peace for my friends. Peace for my enemies. And peace for myself. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
I say this prayer anytime I see 11:11, in which I’ve been seeing quite often and I know it’s supposed to be a message from the angels. I used to have an angel number book. But I threw out A LOT of new age items I had picked up during my meth binge. At one time I had about 200 decks of tarot cards and oracle cards. And in time I have gotten rid of them, mostly sold them off to metaphysical shops. Some I actually just threw away. I’m embarrassed to say that out loud, because I know a lot of people will balk at that. But in my confusion on what I should be standing for I just up and threw the last batch away and in time I’ve picked up five (5) more decks. With the new deck my friend gave me that makes six (6). I mainly kept the odd ones. The ones that meant something to me. I don’t spend a lot of time with them like I used to. Those days are over.
I started on tarot cards shortly after I started on meth. For some reason the person I was dating at the time (who introduced me to the meth) suggested we watch tarot readings on YouTube. I thought that was the strangest request, especially since I actually watched a tarot reading on YouTube the night before and never told him. I seriously think he was spying on me in some electronic fashion. Why else would he ask me to watch a tarot reading completely out of the blue? Yes, that man messed with my head in the worst way. He knew I suffered a mental illness and he totally took advantage of that.
And I know why he messed with my head. I had inadvertently told him I was seeing my ex husband at the same time I was seeing him. What he gave me in return for that admission was Karma. He really messed with my head. He told me these tarot readers were talking specifically to me. And that I should be careful.
I wish I could share the whole story of the two (2) year meth binge, and maybe sometime I will elaborate. But I feel like I’ve talked this situation out. I still have scars that will probably never go away from that experience. But I have to trudge on.
The last time I spoke to him he asked me to lunch. This was after he got busted and was dealing with court. I said no thank you. I am not interested in digging up the past. He blocked me after that. And I am not upset about it one bit.
People are always blocking me. It hurts at first. But then I realize I really am not the piece of ooz people think I am. They’re just upset because I set boundaries. And they don’t like it.
To be honest I really don’t care who blocks me. Not anymore. I am finding that my life is less complex being blocked, because it prevents me from reaching out when I’m feeling lonely or isolated. unhealthy responses to true feelings.
And to be honest with you, I do have some very good friends that I don’t give enough credit to. And I’m actually quite ashamed of myself for saying I have no friends, because I can actually name at least five (5) friends I do have that accept me no matter what. And my immediate family is a huge support.
I know I’m really hard on myself, because of the negativity that goes on around me. But I truly believe if I can stay away from the unhealthy people I will be okay.
I woke up again at 2am and this time I was at a friends house. I couldn’t fall back to sleep, so I came home, hoping my own bed would make a difference, but it didn’t really.
My friend gave me a deck of oracle cards. I pulled my first card this morning:
Messages from the Guides – James Van Praagh
It does have a guidebook with it that I read for that card and it was a deep conviction for me. For every action I take there is a reaction. I need to hold myself more accountable.
I still find myself seething over my younger sister and I don’t know if it’s jealousy or what? She’s had everything handed to her without putting forth any effort. And now she’s got the property that the house sits on. She kicked me off one day when I stopped by to visit my brother. I guess nobody is allowed there anymore. Not even my brother. All I’ve gotta say is she better be prepared to take care of all the garbage around there. When the water pump breaks, she can fix it. The grass? She can mow. The septic system, their problem. Between her and her foreign husband, they should be able to manage just fine. I guess since she’s been the one caring for my mother it only seems right. But man, why does got to be such a b**** about it.
It really kind of bums me out that our family is… so lost. Nobody associates with anybody. I think the cost of remembering things is just too great to get past.
I drew my second card for the day:
Messages from the Guides – James Van Praagh
And it would be worry. I read the guide and was once again convicted. I do have a problem with uncontrolled worrying. Once I start I can’t stop. At some point I get into a panic attach, unless my worry is put to rest.
Sometimes I just can’t help myself. I’m an over thinker. The medication I take keeps it calmed down a bit, but it’s still there and I notice it in certain situations.
Right now I’m still stuck on my anger towards my youngest sister. And it’s not really even anger, just heavily disappointed in her and her behavior. And lack of empathy.
It’s such a beautiful day out this morning. What am I going to do to make the most out of it? Enjoy the peace and quiet.
Today I am burning some palo santo in my bedroom. I love the smell and I consider it cleansing to my space. Yes, cleansing away the evil spirits. Though I know we’re supposed to rely on God and the Bible for these things, it helps to actively do something. In my eyes it’s no different than anointing your room with Holy water. And I don’t believe only a priest or pastor can do it. I think anybody with the right intentions can do it.
Yes, I believe there are spirits roaming this earth. Some are good and some are not so good. God doesn’t allow us to visually see them, because we are supposed to be soldiers for Christ and if we saw the spiritual warfare we’d be too scared to put on the armor of God and fight, like we do every day.
The Charlie Kirk incident still bothers the heck out of me. I can’t believe somebody’s life was taken just because of their beliefs. I mean, you hear about that kind of stuff going on in other countries, but here? In the United States? My heart agonizes over it. And I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to believe. I’ve met evil while on meth, so I know it’s there.
Each day the terror on people gets worse and worse. And it’s going to continue to get worse until we can come together as a nation and pray against this evil force that is running rampant on the streets.
I don’t even know or understand why people are fighting? I don’t think they even know what the fight is about. But the fight should be about the glory of God, not bickering over petty differences. We need to come together as a collective and stomp this evil out.
What’s this complex PTSD about? And how does it differentiate from PTSD? My therapist diagnosed me with it a few months ago, rather than PTSD. I’m not sure how she determined that, other than the fifty (50) questions she asked. To be honest, it doesn’t surprise me. I’ve been doing some reading on it, and watching things about it for a while, wondering if that, was in fact, my true diagnosis.
The funny thing about trauma is it creeps out at any point of your life. And it seems to show during the messiest times.
Things like separation, divorce, moving, relationships, war, drugs, etc. These things are considered traumatic incidents. Or life events PTSD relates to.
Complex PTSD pertains to not just one single event, but ongoing, repeated and prolonged trauma or the same event over and over again for a prolonged period of time in your life.
To put it plainly, PTSD is a single event or series of single events. Whereas Complex PTDS is a prolonged event. It can be compared to a prisoner of war, it can pertain to prolonged abuse and neglect.
I’ve also read or watched a few shows on YouTube on C-PTSD and have learned that actually healing from C-PTSD is very difficult.
I’ve heard that most people with narcissistic personality disorder are sufferers of C-PTSD.
Bottom line, I’ve read a lot of negative things about it. And that it’s not really curable.
So where do we go from here?
I don’t know. I don’t see other people struggle like I struggle. But I’m sure we all struggle during our own hard times. But it explains why I can’t keep a friendship or a relationship anyway.
I shouldn’t say it’s not curable. That in itself already sounds defeating. I’ve just heard this, I don’t know the validity of it. I recommend watching The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. Her channel pertains to C-PTSD and new habits or tools you can use to become a better version of yourself. She caught my eye one day, so I watched a few of her videos.
And I don’t believe it’s necessarily incurable. I think it gets diagnosed too late in a persons life to be able to make effective lasting changes. I kind of wish I was diagnosed with this a long time ago, when I had the will to fight. Now, I’m so old I just don’t care anymore. I mean, I don’t need to deal with this. Nobody else does.
But ahhhh, I want to learn. So I do care. So here I am.
We don’t know for sure what this person is reading, but we can assume it’s the Holy Bible if we want to. Whatever book it is it’s a treasure.
I believe in the Holy Bible. I also believe in other writings as well. I believe God sends us messengers. We just need to know when and who to listen to.
We are all connected in my eyes. That person you walked by, you could have smiled. And maybe this person could’ve smiled back at you. This could have been the start of something new. But that old liar fear steps in. Next thing you know you’re tongue tied. And you miss your opportunity. That doesn’t mean it will never come around again. It just means you missed this cycle, and it’ll come back around, maybe sooner maybe later.
I believe in the cosmos. I believe the planets have some kind of pull over our bodies, mentally and physically. So, sometimes we’re just not ourselves. Or, lots of times. Because energy is fluid. It doesn’t stick around. We move just as the tide moves.
People might think I’m absolutely nuts talking this way. I don’t know if it’s my mental health or what I’ve been through. The trauma
I know I haven’t healed from it, because I still talk about it. It’s like it was just yesterday. But it was five (5), even seven (7) years ago. Im not nearly so torn up about it as I have been in the past, but it’s definitely still in the back of my mind, festering.
I felt completely ambushed. I had no clue what the stuff was. I’ve only ever drank or smoked pot in my entire life. And I decided to try meth at age 48? I was told it was crank. Well, back in my day crank was different (wasn’t it?). I never tried crank in my teenage years, I’ve just heard the word.
None of it even matters anymore. Life has turned around full circle and it’s time to move on. Yet the struggle is real trying to keep it out of my mind. The trauma I endured during that time. The person I am today is not the same person before meth entered my life. Some of it is for the good, but other parts, not so good. My memory is not very good anymore. I tend to blame it on the trauma.
My life was like a Lifetime movie. And the funny thing is, when I got into my last argument with my ex I told him that he was going to feel like he was in a lifetime movie. It just goes to show my belief now in karma and harm no one. Because things come around full circle. I knew I was under a spell of some sort. I had put this stuff on my blog back at that time. And the whole role reversed on me. Nothing bad happened to him. It all happened to me. Not that I was trying to cause him harm…. Well, actually, I guess I was. I was on meth, and when you partake in meth you do all kinds of strange things. My strange behavior gave me a restraining order by him. And I hold no grudges for that. I was being a complete weirdo, and I’m sure my weirdness was a concern.
That restraining order was my saving grace. I snapped out of whatever meth spell I was under and went and got help. I am grateful to say I am five (5+) years clean from that garbage, yet it still affects my life. Because, like I said, I am no longer the person I was before. But I could be an even better version at the same time.
It is, yet again, 2am and I am awake. I thought it was coffee time, until I went upstairs and saw an empty pot. I looked at the time. 2am in the middle of the darn morning. Now what?
Well, as long as I’m awake I might as well show you some of the braclets I was told I had to get rid of.
Cyn
This is only one wrist, I can’t get a picture of the other wrist, I’m not that coordinated with my phone in my left hand.
But all of these bracelets have meaning to me. I’m not ready to give them up. And that’s my own business between me and God. I don’t think it’s anybody else’s business.
Istockphoto.com
I’m still stuck on Charlie Kirk’s death and that it was prophesied in the book of Revelation. Chapter 11, to be exact. I hope people get their Bibles out and read it for themselves. It talks about how people will celebrate his death. Because he was a prophet sent from God to spread the good news and awareness to the community.
People are being warned. And they don’t even hear or see the warning. God said on the last days people won’t even be prepared. Nobody is looking. It’s going to happen at the blink of an eye. The candle lamps will just burn out.
Istockphoto.com
Psalm 104:34– May my meditation be pleasing to him, as I rejoice in the Lord.
There you go. Meditation is spoken of in the Bible. And it’s not spoken of in a bad manner. That’s why I always do my research before I just randomly believe everything I hear.
Istockphoto.com
Well, I did end up dozing back off about 3:30am and am just waking up for the day now, 7am. I hope everyone has themselves a wonderful day. May blessings fall on all of us. Amen.
I was in trouble a lot when I was growing up. I didn’t get much recognition for anything, not even for just being alive. Both my parents treated me horribly, compared to the rest of my siblings. But if you were to talk to each of us separately we would all have completely different recollections of the past. Some things I remember my siblings don’t. Things my siblings remember, I don’t. The bottom line is we all suffered tremendously. And I’m not saying this for pity. Talking about it is healing, whether the rest of the family wants me sharing or not.
Everyone is ashamed and afraid of their past memories. Well, I’m not. I know my parents were horrible. Have I forgiven them? Yes, to a point. Am I blaming them for my current rotten behaviors? No. I’m responsible for my own healing.
I forgave my father after they had that house fire. He apologized to me in his own way and that was acceptable for me. He told me he really appreciated me changing his bandages and helping him with his stretching exercises. When he put it that way, I forgave him. I saw him in a different light. Because he changed.
My mother, on the other hand, we cannot get along if our lives depended on it. I want to say she apologized and I accepted her apology. But I just recently learned that the text she sent me, she also sent to other people; apologizing. I knew there was an ulterior motive to this apology. She was upset and feeling rejected by my youngest sister, because she was giving my mom the silent treatment until my mom got rid of all the cats.
I feel very alone in this life. I’ve got a family that is not healing, has no interest in healing and would rather live their messed up lives the way they are. It’s frustrating to me, because I believe they can do better. Be better. But people get stuck in their own negative mindset. And you can’t change that. Or, I can’t change it for them anyway.
My support system is my immediate family; my daughter, son in law and grandkids. I think I even feel my son in laws family’s support as well. Specifically his mother and grandfather. They help me to feel like I’m part of the family. And that makes me feel really good.
I’m still having a hard time with my bedroom. I look around at everything that needs to be packed, I stand up to do something, look around and sit right back down. I know this is either a symptom of my mental illness or it’s a symptom of unresolved trauma still lingering. You know, brain fog?
A part of my procrastination is fear. I’m excited about the move, yet nervous at the same time. I have not been on my own in five (5) years. I’m afraid I’m going to fall into the same traps. I haven’t told anybody I am moving, except a couple of close friends and my family. That in itself is a good start. The last time I attempted to move out on my own I was back within three (3) months. It was way too triggering for me. I moved to the exact same town in the exact same apartment. How weird was that? I moved in September 1 and moved out before Christmas. The excitement lasted two (2) weeks, then the triggers started. I had told too many people I was moving. And most of them were male friends. I didn’t realize they were looking to date me. I thought they were just friends. But they all wanted to come visit me. It was then I realized these men want something from me. It scared me. It made me realize my boundaries were still very poor.
I ended up not letting anyone over and moving out. It was all too triggering for me. This time around is more discreet. I mean, people probably know I’m moving, but not because I told them. Therefore, there’s no need to feel obligated to allow anybody at my place.
But I am looking forward to my own space. If I wake up in the middle of the night I don’t have to worry about waking anybody else up. I have complete access to my own refrigerator. I can get up in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. There’s a lot of good pros to moving. I just need to make sure I continue to be choosy about who I tell or allow over.
Yes, another night struggling with insomnia. I’ve been awake more than I’ve been sleeping and it’s just plain getting frustrating.
My therapist told me that if I can’t fall back to sleep I’m supposed to get out of bed and do something else. But what can I do in the middle of the night that’s not going to wake up the whole house? So, I sit in my room. Sometimes I try to find something to do for a short while; read my Bible, blog, burn some incense and a candle. That doesn’t help me fall back to sleep, but at least I try something.
I need to go back to the neurologist and figure out why I’m not sleeping. I’ve already had some testing done. The first test said I was having seizure activity in the middle of the night and that’s what’s waking me up. So they had me see a neurologist and he did an MRI, which came back normal. We then did an ambulatory EEG (?). That didn’t show anything either. And I haven’t been back since for more tests. Why? The usual. I thought the problem had gone away. For a while I was only waking up three (3) times a night, compared to seven (7). But now the three (3) times I’m awake it’s impossible to fall back to sleep.
I did notice one problem. I wake up with restless arm syndrome. Normally they call it restless leg syndrome, but it’s in my arms. Sometimes I wake up with that and can’t fall back to sleep. It exasperating anyway. I think it’s related to one of the medications I take. And it doesn’t happen all the time.
I really don’t mess around with tarot cards much anymore. But once in awhile I like to see if I can still read minds, mainly mine, so I’ll pull them out and take a look.
The above was my drawing. We have The Tower as the overall energy, and it’s about breaking down barriers to happiness. Life is being shaken up, but in a positive way. Because you have the Hermit doing a deep dive into the sub conscious and showing the way forward with his lamp. You have the Fool which means new beginnings and the nine (9) of pentacles that stands for being single, happy and financially free.
We can put these cards together and what it says is I’ve got a lot going on, but it’s all going to work out, because in the end I have freedom and happiness from all the turmoil that may be going on in the present moment. All in all, a good reading.
Do I stake my life on these cards? Heck no. It’s for entertainment purposes only. I know Christian’s are going to balk at me for this, but I carry an interest of many things that may not necessarily be completely Christian. I don’t think that should discredit me from the Christian culture. I mean, I know these people see tarot cards as door openings. But I have no feelings toward them whatsoever in either way, therefore there is no intent in them whatsoever.
Carl Jung used tarot cards in his therapy sessions as a way to read people’s subconscious thoughts and feelings about themselves and their environment. And that’s exactly how I use them. They in no way predict your future. They make good conversation starters, in my opinion.
I know God will forgive me if they’re bad. I’m just a human being trying to make it through this lifetime. I don’t believe we are meant to suffer all the time. Though it does say in the Bible that we will be persecuted for our beliefs. We’re not supposed to be content in this world, because this world is the devil’s domain.
I also believe very heavily in spiritual warfare. I believe that’s what we’ve got going on in this world right now, and always have been. But not to the extent you see now. When I was on meth I saw the spiritual warfare in the world. I could see angels and demons fighting for each of our souls. No lie in this.
In that note, I now realize why God does not want us to see the spiritual warfare. Because we are supposed to be soldiers for God, and if we all saw the warfare around us we’d be too petrified with fear to fight. That’s why God prevents us from visually seeing the evil in the world.
Am I a mixed up Christian? I never used to be. Until that meth got involved. Now I don’t know what to believe, because I saw so much.
I am feeling a tremendous amount of overwhelm with this moving business. I don’t know how to organize and pack, and it’s just a darn bedroom. All my other stuff is scattered here and there. Some at my sister’s (oldest), and some at a friend’s house.
To me, it seems to make more sense to pack and move at the same time. I feel like I’m drowning in boxes and bags in my bedroom.
I know a normal person can deal with it without hesitation. But for me, I get easily overwhelmed and distracted. I cannot multitask anymore like I used to be able to do when I was younger. I don’t know if the problem is my age, or my mental illness. Maybe more so, my past meth use. I just cannot multitask too well anymore.
I had to postpone DBT class until November. I told my therapist I cannot concentrate on packing, moving, working, med management, individual therapy and group therapy all at one time. She understood. So, I think, for now, my focus is packing, working and maybe continuing my individual therapy. Any more than that, forget it. Until I’m actually moved and settled in.
My move in date is October 3. Though it’s probably not going to happen that same day. I’ll still get the keys and move in as I am able, since both me and my daughter work that weekend. She would like to help me.
Her and I went to my favorite restaurant in town yesterday. It was nice being able to have some mother/daughter time together. After we ate we went and did a stop at the apartment building I’ll be living in. I showed her which unit I will be living in. She was impressed when I showed her which unit. She loved the area. As I do too. It’s like having my own backyard. I can plant my own flowers in my little area (we noticed other people living there did that). I can put out a chair on my little patio. The smoking station isn’t too far away (even though I no longer smoke). I can think of a million reasons why I’m excited. But this packing business is for the birds. I wish I was a genie and Abra Cadabra poof is how it should go.
I don’t know if it makes more sense to leave my clothes in the dresser drawers or bag them(?). I know we can’t move my dresser with the drawers in it. We will have to move the drawers separately.
I’ve been working on this packing a little at a time. I sit and look around for the next task and do it. Then sit down again and look around my room for my next task. But until I can get some of this stuff moved out I’m kind of stuck.
I’ve been having up and down moments about this blogging. There’s a cycle there. I see it. It was this same time of season when I got the idea of an online blog back in 2018. And through Word Press. I thought it would be good for me as a means to communicate. Get out of isolation. My problem was, when I got involved with that blog I talked about everything. Anybody who had eyes to see. It’s a big embarrassment for me now. I still have not been able to laugh at that when I look back. That tells me I am not healed. So, why did I start another blog? Well, for the exact same reasons. Only this time I’m not on meth. But this blog has actually been triggering me because of the memories and garbage I went through with it back in 2018/2019. I had a psychotic break back then. More so a drug induced psychosis. My website was hacked into and the meth amplified my feelings towards everything that was going on back then. Now, I’m just carrying a lot of anxiety. I still don’t know what was real and what was not back then. I’m sure the person I was dating was messing with my mind. That’s cruel. Using my mental health against me. He wanted me locked up in prison. I had no clue what I had gotten myself into. It took me seven (7) long damn ass years just to be able to talk about him without fearing the wrath. Because he is such a liar. He’s a con. He was leading a double life.
As much as I struggle with feelings I do believe in kindness.
I reached out to a couple of friends yesterday, but was disappointed to realize I’ve been blocked. People block me when they I don’t give them what they want. They block me because they know it hurts me. But that’s how I know that out of everybody in my life, they’ve all been just fake.
One friend blocked me because she was in love with me and I wouldn’t reciprocate the feeling.
Another one blocked me because I showed empathy to her family. Apparently I’m not supposed to do that.
Another one blocked me because I didn’t want to date a drug dealer.
And yet another one blocked me because I told her the truth about her pathetic husband.
There are probably more, but I feel this is a good start. And I really don’t care.
These people think they are hurting me, when actually they have saved me. II don’t have to worry about unnecessary drama.
It is so obvious that God has a plan for me that does not include any of them. I see new sunsets on the horizon. New people, new friendships. More authentic people. God is totally rearranging my life. And I believe it’s for the better.
What’s really weird, and I’ll just say it. The only way I know how:
God has given me this opportunity to get to know a very good person, that at the time was just a friend. He asked me quite a few times to go somewhere with him; concerts, the movies, dinner, etc. My problem is, in the past I never had time. But it’s so weird how I have time now.
I like this guy. Because through and through, he never wavered from his favoritism to me. He’s seen/heard me at my ugliest. I can feel like I look ugly around him without feeling ugly.
He’s not much of a talker. But to be honest with you, neither am I when I’m face to face with someone.
I just want to say, today I am grateful to my new friend.
I was feeling a tremendous amount of anger yesterday. It’s an emotion I haven’t felt in a long time. I didn’t know how to deal with it at the time, other than sleep it away. Which, is one of my coping skills. I don’t know if it’s necessarily a good coping skill, but that’s what I used. And when I woke up my anger had disappeared. Now it’s just more of a disappointment.
It is so hard to get along with some of my family members. Mainly my mother and my youngest sister. They have such an attitude of entitlement. More so my sister. But since my mother is living with her, she is guilty by association in my eyes. She agrees with my sister whether it’s right or not.
How do you deal with these kinds of situations? I’m exasperated about it myself. I don’t know what to do or how to help. I’m tired of them taking advantage of people then throwing them away. Like they are a nobody. And it’s family that they are doing this to.
I’ve been thinking about my life and about all the things that I do or have done wrong. But the bottom line, I’m just the scapegoat in this family and that is not going to change as long as they’re in the dark and I’m in the light.
They completely lack empathy. I think that makes them narcissistic. My sister needs to pay more attention to what’s going on inside her own home rather than on what other family members are doing.
I haven’t been in that house for …. Maybe three (3) years (?). Maybe longer. I quit going in there, because of all the cats.
Why my mom became a cat hoarder is something I don’t understand. I mean, did she hoard cats because my dad was so cruel to cats? It’s true he was cruel. But it’s a mystery I cannot solve. Fortunately, to my knowledge they are all finally gone.
What really upsets me is that she threw my brother off the property after he paid it off and transferred it over to her. And the only reason why he did that is because he was in a very vulnerable state at the time. And my sister and mother both took advantage of that.
So, I’m angry and resentful. More so toward my sister. I feel my mom is getting too old to get involved in this drama herself. So, I blame my sister. I don’t see my feelings toward her changing anytime in the near future. Is this Godly? Probably not. But I have a right to feel my feelings and for as long as it takes I will not be involved in her or my mother’s life.
Why do I have a picture of the last supper? And why is this titled “Psychological Torture?”
Because it’s a trigger for me. When I was a small child we had the picture of the last supper above our dining table. My dad would make us kids stand around the picture of the last supper and look at it while he preached out of the Bible to us. He believed he was Jesus Christ. I remember very vividly that we had to be looking at the picture while he preached out of the Bible. If he caught us looking anywhere else we got it from him in a bad way.
Due to these experiences (it wasn’t just one time) eating at the table with a group of people causes me a lot of anxiety. I don’t like eating at a table with a group of people. I just plain don’t like eating at all. Eating involves stress for me. It causes anxiety to eat. That’s really why I fast so much. Food doesn’t stay in my stomach very well. I normally have personal issues when I eat. So, I choose not to eat.
I think I mentioned this once before, but my doctor/therapist diagnosed me with Anorexia because of my poor eating habits. I don’t agree with this diagnosis. My weight is not changing. Actually, in a matter of a year or two I’ve gained 30lbs. So to say I’m anorexic is just not believable to me. I fast a lot. But I’m certainly not losing any weight. I think this weight is here to stay. I gained it after quitting cigarettes two (2) years ago. And I think it’s also due to menopause.
Anyway, back to the original subject. Yes, in my eyes what my dad did to us I would consider psychological torture. That experience shaped who I thought God was to me for a very long time. I believed God was vengeful. I believe he caused suffering. I believed he was strict/rigid and mean.
Growing up we went to a Catholic Church. I never cared for it, I just went through the motions; church, Bible school, Lent, etc. My dad was a very strict Catholic. He believed in corporal punishment. And he taught me that God is a punishing God. He refused to let me go to a movie one day because it was Lent. A lot of his ideas and thoughts were so scattered. And I remember several times, outside of staring at the Last Supper, when he would drag me aside and read the Bible to me because I had the devil in me.
My dad used to beat me a lot in the name of God, telling me he needs to beat the devil out of me. When I finally left home after getting pregnant and kicked out of the house I had no interest in church or God at all. So for a short while I walked away from God. Who wants a mean dictator involved in their life? That’s what kept me separated from God for a long time.
When I was nineteen (19) years old I started dating a man whom was very involved in his church. It wasn’t Catholic though, it was Assemblies of God. Dating him got me involved in that church. It was through this experience that I realized God is not the mean guy my father portrayed. I gave my life to the Lord at that church.
Of course, me and my boyfriend broke up eventually and I moved to a different Assembly of God church and that’s where I stayed for many years. Until they built their new church. Once the new church was built everything about the church changed. They seemed more concerned about filling the seats for larger tithings. I really shouldn’t say it that way, but I don’t really know how else to put it. They also broke promises to the youth, which disappointed my daughter at the time. So we stopped going to that church, and I guess I’ve been floating around ever since.
My daughter, however, did get connected to a church again once she got out of college and started her career. I’ve been to the church she attends a few times myself. It’s the same church that told me I needed to get rid of all my New Age ideas and trinkets. I’m stubborn. I don’t like being told what to do, especially when I don’t understand the reason behind things and nobody offers explanation. It’s just bad is all I get out of it. But I don’t understand why?
I was going to, what I would consider, a recovery church. But I felt like a hypocrite, so I quit. Now, I’m just too uncertain about my beliefs to feel the need to join a church. I mean, I know my beliefs, but it doesn’t all jive with Christianity, I don’t think 🤔. Yes, I do believe in some New Age things, but I also believe in the Bible, Jesus and God. I believe in the Holy Spirit.
I mean, if people can believe in goblins and ghosts and spirits they should be able to believe in Jesus. Jesus is with us in spirit. He also sends the Holy Spirit on our behalf. What’s so hard to believe about that? If you can believe in ouija boards, you can believe in Jesus.
Trauma Healing 