Healing from trauma is a lifetime of work and dedication. Hi, my name is Cindy. I have started this blog to be more like a diary. I share my thoughts and experiences and joys so that I may touch just one heart out there. I won’t claim to know it all, as I am not a doctor. But what this is will be my own experience of trauma and recovery. And maybe a friend whom can share their wisdom as well. We are all walking this same journey in life. But all of our paths are different. I believe in oneness. I believe we are connected. Trauma doesn’t have to be huge to be trauma. Just being born can be a traumatic experience. Let’s talk about this and see where it goes.
Yes, another night struggling with insomnia. I’ve been awake more than I’ve been sleeping and it’s just plain getting frustrating.
My therapist told me that if I can’t fall back to sleep I’m supposed to get out of bed and do something else. But what can I do in the middle of the night that’s not going to wake up the whole house? So, I sit in my room. Sometimes I try to find something to do for a short while; read my Bible, blog, burn some incense and a candle. That doesn’t help me fall back to sleep, but at least I try something.
I need to go back to the neurologist and figure out why I’m not sleeping. I’ve already had some testing done. The first test said I was having seizure activity in the middle of the night and that’s what’s waking me up. So they had me see a neurologist and he did an MRI, which came back normal. We then did an ambulatory EEG (?). That didn’t show anything either. And I haven’t been back since for more tests. Why? The usual. I thought the problem had gone away. For a while I was only waking up three (3) times a night, compared to seven (7). But now the three (3) times I’m awake it’s impossible to fall back to sleep.
I did notice one problem. I wake up with restless arm syndrome. Normally they call it restless leg syndrome, but it’s in my arms. Sometimes I wake up with that and can’t fall back to sleep. It exasperating anyway. I think it’s related to one of the medications I take. And it doesn’t happen all the time.
I really don’t mess around with tarot cards much anymore. But once in awhile I like to see if I can still read minds, mainly mine, so I’ll pull them out and take a look.
The above was my drawing. We have The Tower as the overall energy, and it’s about breaking down barriers to happiness. Life is being shaken up, but in a positive way. Because you have the Hermit doing a deep dive into the sub conscious and showing the way forward with his lamp. You have the Fool which means new beginnings and the nine (9) of pentacles that stands for being single, happy and financially free.
We can put these cards together and what it says is I’ve got a lot going on, but it’s all going to work out, because in the end I have freedom and happiness from all the turmoil that may be going on in the present moment. All in all, a good reading.
Do I stake my life on these cards? Heck no. It’s for entertainment purposes only. I know Christian’s are going to balk at me for this, but I carry an interest of many things that may not necessarily be completely Christian. I don’t think that should discredit me from the Christian culture. I mean, I know these people see tarot cards as door openings. But I have no feelings toward them whatsoever in either way, therefore there is no intent in them whatsoever.
Carl Jung used tarot cards in his therapy sessions as a way to read people’s subconscious thoughts and feelings about themselves and their environment. And that’s exactly how I use them. They in no way predict your future. They make good conversation starters, in my opinion.
I know God will forgive me if they’re bad. I’m just a human being trying to make it through this lifetime. I don’t believe we are meant to suffer all the time. Though it does say in the Bible that we will be persecuted for our beliefs. We’re not supposed to be content in this world, because this world is the devil’s domain.
I also believe very heavily in spiritual warfare. I believe that’s what we’ve got going on in this world right now, and always have been. But not to the extent you see now. When I was on meth I saw the spiritual warfare in the world. I could see angels and demons fighting for each of our souls. No lie in this.
In that note, I now realize why God does not want us to see the spiritual warfare. Because we are supposed to be soldiers for God, and if we all saw the warfare around us we’d be too petrified with fear to fight. That’s why God prevents us from visually seeing the evil in the world.
Am I a mixed up Christian? I never used to be. Until that meth got involved. Now I don’t know what to believe, because I saw so much.
I am feeling a tremendous amount of overwhelm with this moving business. I don’t know how to organize and pack, and it’s just a darn bedroom. All my other stuff is scattered here and there. Some at my sister’s (oldest), and some at a friend’s house.
To me, it seems to make more sense to pack and move at the same time. I feel like I’m drowning in boxes and bags in my bedroom.
I know a normal person can deal with it without hesitation. But for me, I get easily overwhelmed and distracted. I cannot multitask anymore like I used to be able to do when I was younger. I don’t know if the problem is my age, or my mental illness. Maybe more so, my past meth use. I just cannot multitask too well anymore.
I had to postpone DBT class until November. I told my therapist I cannot concentrate on packing, moving, working, med management, individual therapy and group therapy all at one time. She understood. So, I think, for now, my focus is packing, working and maybe continuing my individual therapy. Any more than that, forget it. Until I’m actually moved and settled in.
My move in date is October 3. Though it’s probably not going to happen that same day. I’ll still get the keys and move in as I am able, since both me and my daughter work that weekend. She would like to help me.
Her and I went to my favorite restaurant in town yesterday. It was nice being able to have some mother/daughter time together. After we ate we went and did a stop at the apartment building I’ll be living in. I showed her which unit I will be living in. She was impressed when I showed her which unit. She loved the area. As I do too. It’s like having my own backyard. I can plant my own flowers in my little area (we noticed other people living there did that). I can put out a chair on my little patio. The smoking station isn’t too far away (even though I no longer smoke). I can think of a million reasons why I’m excited. But this packing business is for the birds. I wish I was a genie and Abra Cadabra poof is how it should go.
I don’t know if it makes more sense to leave my clothes in the dresser drawers or bag them(?). I know we can’t move my dresser with the drawers in it. We will have to move the drawers separately.
I’ve been working on this packing a little at a time. I sit and look around for the next task and do it. Then sit down again and look around my room for my next task. But until I can get some of this stuff moved out I’m kind of stuck.
I’ve been having up and down moments about this blogging. There’s a cycle there. I see it. It was this same time of season when I got the idea of an online blog back in 2018. And through Word Press. I thought it would be good for me as a means to communicate. Get out of isolation. My problem was, when I got involved with that blog I talked about everything. Anybody who had eyes to see. It’s a big embarrassment for me now. I still have not been able to laugh at that when I look back. That tells me I am not healed. So, why did I start another blog? Well, for the exact same reasons. Only this time I’m not on meth. But this blog has actually been triggering me because of the memories and garbage I went through with it back in 2018/2019. I had a psychotic break back then. More so a drug induced psychosis. My website was hacked into and the meth amplified my feelings towards everything that was going on back then. Now, I’m just carrying a lot of anxiety. I still don’t know what was real and what was not back then. I’m sure the person I was dating was messing with my mind. That’s cruel. Using my mental health against me. He wanted me locked up in prison. I had no clue what I had gotten myself into. It took me seven (7) long damn ass years just to be able to talk about him without fearing the wrath. Because he is such a liar. He’s a con. He was leading a double life.
As much as I struggle with feelings I do believe in kindness.
I reached out to a couple of friends yesterday, but was disappointed to realize I’ve been blocked. People block me when they I don’t give them what they want. They block me because they know it hurts me. But that’s how I know that out of everybody in my life, they’ve all been just fake.
One friend blocked me because she was in love with me and I wouldn’t reciprocate the feeling.
Another one blocked me because I showed empathy to her family. Apparently I’m not supposed to do that.
Another one blocked me because I didn’t want to date a drug dealer.
And yet another one blocked me because I told her the truth about her pathetic husband.
There are probably more, but I feel this is a good start. And I really don’t care.
These people think they are hurting me, when actually they have saved me. II don’t have to worry about unnecessary drama.
It is so obvious that God has a plan for me that does not include any of them. I see new sunsets on the horizon. New people, new friendships. More authentic people. God is totally rearranging my life. And I believe it’s for the better.
What’s really weird, and I’ll just say it. The only way I know how:
God has given me this opportunity to get to know a very good person, that at the time was just a friend. He asked me quite a few times to go somewhere with him; concerts, the movies, dinner, etc. My problem is, in the past I never had time. But it’s so weird how I have time now.
I like this guy. Because through and through, he never wavered from his favoritism to me. He’s seen/heard me at my ugliest. I can feel like I look ugly around him without feeling ugly.
He’s not much of a talker. But to be honest with you, neither am I when I’m face to face with someone.
I just want to say, today I am grateful to my new friend.
I was feeling a tremendous amount of anger yesterday. It’s an emotion I haven’t felt in a long time. I didn’t know how to deal with it at the time, other than sleep it away. Which, is one of my coping skills. I don’t know if it’s necessarily a good coping skill, but that’s what I used. And when I woke up my anger had disappeared. Now it’s just more of a disappointment.
It is so hard to get along with some of my family members. Mainly my mother and my youngest sister. They have such an attitude of entitlement. More so my sister. But since my mother is living with her, she is guilty by association in my eyes. She agrees with my sister whether it’s right or not.
How do you deal with these kinds of situations? I’m exasperated about it myself. I don’t know what to do or how to help. I’m tired of them taking advantage of people then throwing them away. Like they are a nobody. And it’s family that they are doing this to.
I’ve been thinking about my life and about all the things that I do or have done wrong. But the bottom line, I’m just the scapegoat in this family and that is not going to change as long as they’re in the dark and I’m in the light.
They completely lack empathy. I think that makes them narcissistic. My sister needs to pay more attention to what’s going on inside her own home rather than on what other family members are doing.
I haven’t been in that house for …. Maybe three (3) years (?). Maybe longer. I quit going in there, because of all the cats.
Why my mom became a cat hoarder is something I don’t understand. I mean, did she hoard cats because my dad was so cruel to cats? It’s true he was cruel. But it’s a mystery I cannot solve. Fortunately, to my knowledge they are all finally gone.
What really upsets me is that she threw my brother off the property after he paid it off and transferred it over to her. And the only reason why he did that is because he was in a very vulnerable state at the time. And my sister and mother both took advantage of that.
So, I’m angry and resentful. More so toward my sister. I feel my mom is getting too old to get involved in this drama herself. So, I blame my sister. I don’t see my feelings toward her changing anytime in the near future. Is this Godly? Probably not. But I have a right to feel my feelings and for as long as it takes I will not be involved in her or my mother’s life.
Why do I have a picture of the last supper? And why is this titled “Psychological Torture?”
Because it’s a trigger for me. When I was a small child we had the picture of the last supper above our dining table. My dad would make us kids stand around the picture of the last supper and look at it while he preached out of the Bible to us. He believed he was Jesus Christ. I remember very vividly that we had to be looking at the picture while he preached out of the Bible. If he caught us looking anywhere else we got it from him in a bad way.
Due to these experiences (it wasn’t just one time) eating at the table with a group of people causes me a lot of anxiety. I don’t like eating at a table with a group of people. I just plain don’t like eating at all. Eating involves stress for me. It causes anxiety to eat. That’s really why I fast so much. Food doesn’t stay in my stomach very well. I normally have personal issues when I eat. So, I choose not to eat.
I think I mentioned this once before, but my doctor/therapist diagnosed me with Anorexia because of my poor eating habits. I don’t agree with this diagnosis. My weight is not changing. Actually, in a matter of a year or two I’ve gained 30lbs. So to say I’m anorexic is just not believable to me. I fast a lot. But I’m certainly not losing any weight. I think this weight is here to stay. I gained it after quitting cigarettes two (2) years ago. And I think it’s also due to menopause.
Anyway, back to the original subject. Yes, in my eyes what my dad did to us I would consider psychological torture. That experience shaped who I thought God was to me for a very long time. I believed God was vengeful. I believe he caused suffering. I believed he was strict/rigid and mean.
Growing up we went to a Catholic Church. I never cared for it, I just went through the motions; church, Bible school, Lent, etc. My dad was a very strict Catholic. He believed in corporal punishment. And he taught me that God is a punishing God. He refused to let me go to a movie one day because it was Lent. A lot of his ideas and thoughts were so scattered. And I remember several times, outside of staring at the Last Supper, when he would drag me aside and read the Bible to me because I had the devil in me.
My dad used to beat me a lot in the name of God, telling me he needs to beat the devil out of me. When I finally left home after getting pregnant and kicked out of the house I had no interest in church or God at all. So for a short while I walked away from God. Who wants a mean dictator involved in their life? That’s what kept me separated from God for a long time.
When I was nineteen (19) years old I started dating a man whom was very involved in his church. It wasn’t Catholic though, it was Assemblies of God. Dating him got me involved in that church. It was through this experience that I realized God is not the mean guy my father portrayed. I gave my life to the Lord at that church.
Of course, me and my boyfriend broke up eventually and I moved to a different Assembly of God church and that’s where I stayed for many years. Until they built their new church. Once the new church was built everything about the church changed. They seemed more concerned about filling the seats for larger tithings. I really shouldn’t say it that way, but I don’t really know how else to put it. They also broke promises to the youth, which disappointed my daughter at the time. So we stopped going to that church, and I guess I’ve been floating around ever since.
My daughter, however, did get connected to a church again once she got out of college and started her career. I’ve been to the church she attends a few times myself. It’s the same church that told me I needed to get rid of all my New Age ideas and trinkets. I’m stubborn. I don’t like being told what to do, especially when I don’t understand the reason behind things and nobody offers explanation. It’s just bad is all I get out of it. But I don’t understand why?
I was going to, what I would consider, a recovery church. But I felt like a hypocrite, so I quit. Now, I’m just too uncertain about my beliefs to feel the need to join a church. I mean, I know my beliefs, but it doesn’t all jive with Christianity, I don’t think 🤔. Yes, I do believe in some New Age things, but I also believe in the Bible, Jesus and God. I believe in the Holy Spirit.
I mean, if people can believe in goblins and ghosts and spirits they should be able to believe in Jesus. Jesus is with us in spirit. He also sends the Holy Spirit on our behalf. What’s so hard to believe about that? If you can believe in ouija boards, you can believe in Jesus.
I won’t keep complaining about my sleeping habits, but it does get tiring waking up so often in the middle of the night. And as the picture indicates, I’ve been awake since 2:40am.
I am finding comfort in solitude. My life has really settled down and I’m actually looking forward to my move. I need to do something different with my life, so God is shaking things up for me.
I used to quarrel quite a bit with my friends, now I don’t have any. Well, I do have friends. I want to acknowledge them. I’m just referring to the long time friendships that have come to an end. Why? I don’t need unhealthy people in my life. And as much as I’ve wanted to help people, nobody wants the help. They just want to sit in their pity bag. But that’s their choice. It doesn’t have to be that way for them. And it certainly doesn’t affect me. I’ve moved on with my life. They are stuck and I’m just going to let them be.
I don’t know if people know this or not, but people can wish ill on you and that is really considered a spell. Or a curse. People can wish you ill and ruin your life. I never used to believe in curses or spells. I never used to believe in karma either. Until I actually experienced it.
People reap what they sow. And out of discontentment they like to stir trouble for other people. A person’s unhappiness shows, even with the mask they wear. People can’t stand that I’m not an idiot.
I do my best to be the best person I can be. But none of us will ever be perfect. Not until we meet our creator.
I guess, through all of this babble, what I’m really trying to say is in a matter of a few weeks I’ve lost friends because of my mouth, again. Am I going to apologize? No. I’ve done nothing wrong but live my life. But for some reason I trigger these people’s trauma wounds. Because I tell the truth? I don’t know. I don’t sugar coat things and make it all look pretty. I’m fairly factual. And I have my opinions that are not very popular. But I don’t care. I don’t need these people in my life to exist. I’m doing just fine on my own. And there’s a part of me that feels God took these people out of my life, because they were not good for me. I can count on my hand probably five (5) people that wish ill on me. And when you have that many people, that makes it a curse. And what can you do about a curse? Protection stones, the Bible, prayer and time. Eventually, it works its way out.
I’ve been under a spell before. Many times, actually. How do I know? Because I felt them in me and I felt them leave me.
Seeing my second ex husband back in January of 2023 broke a spell, I believe. I prayed to God for five (5) years just to let me see his face (my ex’s) one time. And it happened. We ran into each other at the local grocery store. He doesn’t live in my area, so I was surprised to see him. No, we did not shake hands and have this great reunion. I just happened to be at the right place and time. We did not speak to each other. We saw each other from a distance. I was walking in his direction and he was walking in mine. Our eyes met. Then he took a right down one of the grocery isles. But he didn’t run off screaming so that was a plus 😂. God gave me exactly what I asked for. I just wanted to see his face. How he reacted to seeing me. Trying to decipher real feelings from him. I got exactly what I asked for and needed for closure. God is good.
I do believe my second ex husband still has some kind of feelings for me. But my meth binge scared him off forever. And I don’t blame him. I’ve put him through a lot. And I’m sure it was embarrassing for him as well. He doesn’t like to stick out in a crowd. And well, when I was on meth I did some pretty insane stuff for attention. I’m not sure, but I think my second ex husband has been the only person in my entire life that I truly loved. And I had a piss poor way of showing it.
I’m not going to lie. Today has been a really mixed up day for me. I was supposed to go to group this morning, but I didn’t wake up until 9:00am. It started at 10:00am. I felt so unprepared and so confused I had to cancel it for today.
I have not been feeling right since I woke up at 9am after being awake since 3am. I wanted to post a blog while I was awake, but I was feeling really confused.
I called my doctor this morning and asked her to lower one of my medications. We had talked about this before about two (2) months ago and she never changed it with the pharmacy. It didn’t matter to me immediately, because I still had plenty of 50mg left. Till the past five (5) nights anyway. So I’ve been using the increased dose. I could feel the change in me by day five (5). It wasn’t helping. It was making things worse. So I called my provider and spoke with a nurse. I’m hoping to hear back from her yet today.
The bottom line is I’m going to quit taking that medication if they don’t decrease it. Something people with bipolar always do. I’m tired of feeling like crap because of a medication. And as much as my fears want me to continue taking it, my brain is telling me NO. I did not like the feeling I felt as soon as I woke up this morning. I almost forgot where I even was. So until I hear from my doctor again I’m no longer taking that medication.
I’m tired of not sleeping. My body does not shut down at night. Not naturally. I normally have to take medication to slow down my brain long enough to fall asleep.
I wake up several times through the night. I don’t know why. This has been going on ever since my stint on meth. It’s like my body responds differently than it used to. I go through periods where I don’t sleep but four (4) hours total.
This evening/morning was one of those nights. I’ve been awake since 3:30am.
I think my diet plays a roll in my sleep patterns. I don’t recall if I mentioned this, but my doctor diagnosed me with anorexia. I don’t agree with that diagnosis . After all my weight certainly doesn’t say I’m anorexic. But she explained to me that it was my eating habits that got me that diagnosis (I fast a lot).
When I wake up it takes me about an hour and a half to fall back to sleep. If I wake up at 3am or later I just stay up. It gives me quiet time before the crowd in the house wakes up.
When I smoked cigarettes I’d be outside on the deck already with a cup of coffee and a cigarette at 4am. But since I’ve quit smoking cigarettes (August 2023) that routine went away. Now, when I wake up early I just stare at my TV. Sometimes just a black screen.
Today I have been awake since 3:30am. My mind has been non-stop with the events going on in the world. I’m still grieving the loss of Charlie Kirk. It’s just a very sad situation and reminds me of words said in the book of Revelation.
I truly believe in reincarnation. And I believe that Charlie Kirk was sent here as a profit that was crucified because of his beliefs. I don’t know any other way to word it. It’s spoken of in the book of Revelation.
I’ve been watching this show on YouTube right now and I’m only about twenty (20) minutes into it and I just couldn’t believe my ears. People were celebrating over Charlie Kirk’s death?? There is wording in the Bible specifically about that. And I wish I knew off the top of my head where that was. It’s in the book of Revelation.
Jesus also spoke of these such shenanigans while he was alive. He said these are only growing pains for what’s to come.
I remember when I got my first Bible. I was probably seventeen (17). Me and my sister (or was it my best friend at that time🤔) Anyway, we did our own little Bible studies. And we started in the book of Revelation. We spooked ourselves a lot. If you don’t know your Bible you really shouldn’t start with the book of Revelation. I would suggest starting in the New Testament with Matthew, Mark, Luke or John. And move forward from there.
The Book of Revelation Explained – Nowsthetime.org
If you want a good explanation of the book of Revelation the video above explains it very well and very thoroughly. I suggest people watch this and get on board for the coming of the messiah. What we are seeing in the world today was predicted. And in the end Jesus does win. I hate to burst people’s bubbles.
It’s just monstrous how people are acting over this. They are completely clueless. And, as I’m thinking more on it, if I remember correctly, it was in Chapter 11 of the book of Revelation. This same celebration was talked about upon the death of two prophets. Charlie Kirk was a prophet in my eyes. A man of God, evangelizing. And he was killed because of it.
There is a lot of evil in this world, and it’s ramping up in people’s spirit. People don’t have a conscious anymore. Our GenZ kids are growing up incompetent, incapable and incomplete. Because they don’t know God. They think it’s funny to do evil things. I think this attitude comes from TV and video games these kids are growing up with. Nothing but reality shows on TV anymore. I feel so sorry for our future generations.
I spend a lot of time by myself. And I enjoy it. For me, it is really difficult to socialize, unless I have a cocktail in my hand. My anxiety always kicks in. So if there’s alcohol around (mainly wine), I’ll drink. But I prefer not to. That’s why I spend so much time alone.
I thought to go to a celebration of life yesterday, but I was supposed to work, which didn’t end up happening. But I didn’t really want to go anyway, because of the partying. I feel like I’ve outgrown drinking parties. For me, my partying days were my early high school years. I ended up pregnant at age seventeen (17). My daughter was born a couple weeks before my eighteenth (18) birthday. My days of partying were over once I found out I was pregnant. And even after she was born, I went out once, on my eighteenth (18) birthday, and that was about it, until my daughter went off to college.
When my daughter left for college I began to struggle with my identity. I didn’t realize how much of my identity was wrapped around my daughter, until she left. I ended up with empty nest syndrome. I had lost my identity. Or felt like I had. So, for a couple of years I partied pretty heavily. Until my second DWI in 2011. That was a game changer for me.
That second DWI was painful. I ended up running off the road into a grove of trees. Which was better than running into the car ahead of me stopped at the stop sign. I don’t remember any of this, I’m only going according to what the police report said. I’m just thankful nobody else was involved or injured. And like I said, I have no recollection of what happened. I just woke up in the hospital.
I lost my license as a result of my DWI. I was three (3) times over the legal limit (I think I blew .36 at one point). Because I lost my license I had to take a demotion at work. My supervisor told me I could rearrange my staffs schedules so it wouldn’t interfere with any part of my job. But I didn’t feel right punishing my staff for my mistake. So I instead took a demotion to overnight staff. I didn’t last too long in that position, because the owner of the company wanted me to spy on and rat out other house leaders. That just wasn’t my gig, so I resigned.
It was after my second DWI that my second husband disowned me. I have no other way to put it. I was getting the silent treatment and I could feel the disgust he felt toward me. We ended up divorcing over my bad behavior. I stressed him out was his reason for the divorce. I accepted that, but just started drinking even harder, along with prescription medication I was taking. At one point I had taken too much medication when I was drinking (okay, to be honest, I was attempting to end my life). It was shortly after that I went into treatment for alcohol addiction. That was 2014. And I won’t lie and say I’ve been alcohol free ever since, but I was alcohol free until my birthday of 2023. I have no idea what enticed me. But my drinking now only involves a glass or two (2) of wine to unwind after work. But anybody in recovery will say that’s one or two too many. So far it hasn’t affected anything.
I struggle with racing thoughts, mainly in the evening, later at night. That’s why I go to bed so darn early. Well, one reason. My mind starts to worry. And it could have to do with just about anything. Tonight it’s finances and moving. And Charlie Kirk.
I’m normally sleeping at this hour, but I ended up taking a nap earlier, so now I’m not tired. I’m trying to find things of interest in my bedroom to distract me. I’m burning a candle and burned some incense. I tried to focus on a TV show, but was unsuccessful in that, so I put on some meditation music, hoping it would get me started on a good daydream. But I can’t focus on that either.
I think I’m depressed. Over what happened to Charlie Kirk. I just think it is so sad that you can’t have an opinion anymore and you’re outed for it. The violence is getting worse. And I, myself, blame it on our last administration. Turning people into ….. monsters.
It’s so apparent where the violence is coming from. People have just lost their minds. All over politics.
We didn’t hear about this kind of violence on TV very often. Now, the news has just become unbearable to watch. It’s all violence.
Jesus said these types of things were going to start happening in the last days; Wars and rumors of war. People are going to be lovers of themselves and lovers of money. Hatred is going to run rampant. All of what’s going on these days is completely biblical.
What I don’t understand is, if it’s the libs that want illegal immigrants in the United States, then they should be opening up their houses to them. Not making it everybody else’s problem. It’s these people that want them here, but they don’t want to put them up. They just expect the taxpayers to cover the bill. These people are showing empathy to the wrong crowd. What about empathy for the United States as a whole. We are living in the dark ages.
And what I really find irritating is these people on that side, that are doing the most complaining, are the ones who have money and resources to help people, but they’d rather go on vacation and spend their money on themselves. Then complain that the government won’t flip the bill. It’s just ridiculous.
I know the difference between empathy and enabling. And I see that people are enabling others to continue with the violence. I’ve heard of all different kinds of arrests where these violators have had several convictions in the past, and we are just enabling them to continue on their sprees, because they get no consequences.
I think it’s time for people to come together and stop with the hatred and violence. But I’m just one small voice. And it seems people don’t want to come together as a collective unit. All because they hate Trump, they’re going to allow this violence to continue.
I’m at a loss for anymore words. All I can say is the struggle is real.
Blogging has actually become a very positive experience for me. Which really surprises me, since my delusions started with Word Press in 2018. And I would say around this same time. We are running into October. The last time I was alone was when I moved in October 2018, to Osceola Wisconsin. I had no idea what I was doing, but I did it.
I moved away from my support system. What gravitated me? That man, and that meth. I thought by moving nobody would ever know how much I was using. Or wouldn’t recognize the signs. And it was true. They knew something was wrong but didn’t know what to do about it., because they didn’t know what it was.
I spent some time in the hospital on several occasions. The person I was dating at that time, we will just call him “Bob” for the sake of sparing names, sometimes I would call him. And I wanted so desperately to hear him tell me he loved me and was sticking by my side. But No. The most I got out of him during my treatment binges was a ride from Cloquet to the next treatment cent. We took about a an hour break to get high, have sex and leave. It was then that I started to realize “this person isn’t out for my best interests “.
I had never felt so embarrassed and disrespected in all of my life at that incident. When he opened the doors of his vehicle at the treatment center cans and bottles of beer just rolled out. I was so embarrassed. Also, when he dropped me off at the next center, he wanted to give me some drugs to bring in. I swear this man was out to ruin my life. why? Because I slighted him.
I don’t think I will ever get over the past. Because it’s always going to be an illusion for me. But if I don’t move on that makes him a winner. And we don’t want that.
The picture above is very triggering. I hadn’t made an outside alter for probably five (5) years. It makes me feel vulnerable sharing it. Because it came with no instructions. I just winged it off the top of my heart.
I’ve been clean from meth for over five (5) years now. I refuse to associate with anyone who does it. I’ve come a long way and I am very, humbly proud of myself. For some reason I feel like one of the lucky ones. That drug is very hard to get off of once you start it. Well, at least it was for me. I thank God for opening my eyes as quick as he did. It took the help of a restraining order to open my eyes.
I think a lot of people lie to me when they say, “Yeah, I don’t do that anymore”. I can see it in their eyes and their facial expressions. And I can tell by the way they respond when I ask, “How long have you been clean?”.
I don’t want people thinking I think I’m better than others just because I got clean from meth. That drug ruins lives. I know people who have been smoking it daily for twelve (12+) years. It’s a hard drug to get off of. Withdrawal symptoms include extreme fatigue for weeks, hunger and extreme anxiety (for me). Every time I would try to quit that crap on my own I couldn’t do it because of the severe anxiety. I finally put myself into treatment for eight (8) months just to get off that crap. Yes, my anxiety was horrible. That’s why I jumped from treatment center to treatment center. I’d make two (2) weeks at one place, freak out about something, then move to a different treatment center. I felt like people were always bullying me. It was constant flashbacks of the things that happened to me when I was on meth.
I did finally graduate an outpatient program. And I have no plans to go back. Now that I know better about drugs and how they affect me I will never try another drug again. That’s a promise I’m keeping. After everything I went through on that meth I have no interest in trying anything new. I was in a drug induced psychosis for longer than a year when I was on that garbage, and I didn’t even know it. I thought people on YouTube were talking to me. My mind was so messed up. And the person I was dating at that time was of no help. He egged on my delusions. He actually did a lot more and none of it was any good.
After treatment I started back into individual therapy. I was able to resume therapy with the therapist I was utilizing at one of the treatment centers I went to. This therapist has been a God send. She has been so supportive and helpful and encouraging.
Just from my own personal experience, I know people hate the word therapy. Sometimes I gripe about it taking up my time. But it’s only an hour a week. And I like to bounce my thoughts off her. She’s extremely helpful.
People maybe wonder about my faith. Not that I’m anybody important, but maybe after my last post people may be wondering. I’ll be glad to talk about it.
Let me start off by saying I was raised in the Catholic Church. I stuck with that until I was old enough and out of the house to make my own decisions. And for a while I didn’t believe anything. Well, I believed in a higher power. That was taught to me in treatment.
But today I believe in a lot of things. I know a little bit about each religion. I won’t say I’m fully Christian, though Christianity was all I knew, up until a few years ago.
I believe in God, Jesus and the Bible. I believe Jesus was sent here by God on a mission. I believe this so much, because, after all, I believe we are all here sent to this earth with a purpose. God has a plan for everybody. And I believe God sent Jesus for a purpose. And that was to spare the rest of the world. I think because of Jesus our sins have been atoned for. So, we can now have a personal relationship with God again, that was once taken away by Adam and Eve.
But I believe in more than that. I know Christian’s will say you should not rely on anybody or anything else but Jesus. But I say, God puts people in your life to teach you things about yourself. I don’t believe people meet by accident. God sent them into your life for some reason. Just like he removes people from your life for some reason. I’m sure all of it is to our benefit. God’s not out to hurt us.
I do believe in meditation. And I know that is something anti Christian. But it’s been an effective tool for me to keep my energy level lighthearted. And calm. I burn incense and candles, again which Christian’s are against. But that makes no sense to me. When Jesus was born three (3) wisemen gave gifts, and one was incense. Another was Myrrh, which I have in essential oils that I run in my diffuser.
I love making outdoor alters. And if I can find a pic of one I’ll show it to you. But living with my family currently, I don’t make outdoor alters, because my daughter doesn’t want my grandsons asking questions about it (my daughter is Christian).
I also make indoor alters, but I don’t feel they are as effective.
I own a singing bowl, which is anti Christian.
I collect crystal spheres, which again, is anti Christian. As a matter of fact, when I first got clean off meth (I suppose I had maybe a year of sobriety), I talked to one of the ministers at the church I was thinking about joining. Anyway, I made an appointment to talk to the minister, so we met. We talked about my concerns of using tarot cards and crystals. He told me I needed to get rid of everything, including the jewelry I was wearing. I got a little stubborn over that, so I didn’t go back. Not for a long time anyway. I wasn’t ready to give up my spheres. I had been collecting them for years. I have something like fifty-five (55) of them. I gave up all my jewelry (temporarily). I brought the church my tarot cards (some of them) to throw away. I just wasn’t ready to completely let go. So I stopped going to that church.
I then tried, what I would consider, a recovery church. I felt like I fit in okay, but I also felt like I was being a hypocrite. So, I just quit going. I haven’t found a church nearby that entices me. And it all has to do with beliefs.
I feel self-help books are words inspired by God. Lots of Christian’s don’t necessarily believe in self help books.
I could go on with my list, but I think people can conclude my point.
I love the outdoors and nature. I maybe worship it even. But I believe God is in the trees. I believe he’s in the birds. God is everywhere and everything.
And that, in a short course is what I believe in. Does that make me a Christian? The Christian’s would say not. If I were to call myself anything, it would be a Wiccan Christian. Though I don’t worship different deities, I do believe in harm no one and I worship God in nature. I don’t know if this is even a belief, but that’s the best I can call it. If we need a label.
Trauma Healing 