Trauma Healing

Personal Experience Healing from Trauma

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Healing from trauma is a lifetime of work and dedication. Hi, my name is Cindy. I have started this blog to be more like a diary. I share my thoughts and experiences and joys so that I may touch just one heart out there. I won’t claim to know it all, as I am not a doctor. But what this is will be my own experience of trauma and recovery. And maybe a friend whom can share their wisdom as well. We are all walking this same journey in life. But all of our paths are different. I believe in oneness. I believe we are connected. Trauma doesn’t have to be huge to be trauma. Just being born can be a traumatic experience. Let’s talk about this and see where it goes.

  • 2:40am – Nothing Unusual Here

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    I won’t keep complaining about my sleeping habits, but it does get tiring waking up so often in the middle of the night. And as the picture indicates, I’ve been awake since 2:40am.

    I am finding comfort in solitude. My life has really settled down and I’m actually looking forward to my move. I need to do something different with my life, so God is shaking things up for me.

    I used to quarrel quite a bit with my friends, now I don’t have any. Well, I do have friends. I want to acknowledge them. I’m just referring to the long time friendships that have come to an end. Why? I don’t need unhealthy people in my life. And as much as I’ve wanted to help people, nobody wants the help. They just want to sit in their pity bag. But that’s their choice. It doesn’t have to be that way for them. And it certainly doesn’t affect me. I’ve moved on with my life. They are stuck and I’m just going to let them be.

    I don’t know if people know this or not, but people can wish ill on you and that is really considered a spell. Or a curse. People can wish you ill and ruin your life. I never used to believe in curses or spells. I never used to believe in karma either. Until I actually experienced it.

    People reap what they sow. And out of discontentment they like to stir trouble for other people. A person’s unhappiness shows, even with the mask they wear. People can’t stand that I’m not an idiot.

    I do my best to be the best person I can be. But none of us will ever be perfect. Not until we meet our creator.

    I guess, through all of this babble, what I’m really trying to say is in a matter of a few weeks I’ve lost friends because of my mouth, again. Am I going to apologize? No. I’ve done nothing wrong but live my life. But for some reason I trigger these people’s trauma wounds. Because I tell the truth? I don’t know. I don’t sugar coat things and make it all look pretty. I’m fairly factual. And I have my opinions that are not very popular. But I don’t care. I don’t need these people in my life to exist. I’m doing just fine on my own. And there’s a part of me that feels God took these people out of my life, because they were not good for me. I can count on my hand probably five (5) people that wish ill on me. And when you have that many people, that makes it a curse. And what can you do about a curse? Protection stones, the Bible, prayer and time. Eventually, it works its way out.

    I’ve been under a spell before. Many times, actually. How do I know? Because I felt them in me and I felt them leave me.

    Seeing my second ex husband back in January of 2023 broke a spell, I believe. I prayed to God for five (5) years just to let me see his face (my ex’s) one time. And it happened. We ran into each other at the local grocery store. He doesn’t live in my area, so I was surprised to see him. No, we did not shake hands and have this great reunion. I just happened to be at the right place and time. We did not speak to each other. We saw each other from a distance. I was walking in his direction and he was walking in mine. Our eyes met. Then he took a right down one of the grocery isles. But he didn’t run off screaming so that was a plus 😂. God gave me exactly what I asked for. I just wanted to see his face. How he reacted to seeing me. Trying to decipher real feelings from him. I got exactly what I asked for and needed for closure. God is good.

    I do believe my second ex husband still has some kind of feelings for me. But my meth binge scared him off forever. And I don’t blame him. I’ve put him through a lot. And I’m sure it was embarrassing for him as well. He doesn’t like to stick out in a crowd. And well, when I was on meth I did some pretty insane stuff for attention. I’m not sure, but I think my second ex husband has been the only person in my entire life that I truly loved. And I had a piss poor way of showing it.

  • Mixed Up Day

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    I’m not going to lie. Today has been a really mixed up day for me. I was supposed to go to group this morning, but I didn’t wake up until 9:00am. It started at 10:00am. I felt so unprepared and so confused I had to cancel it for today.

    I have not been feeling right since I woke up at 9am after being awake since 3am. I wanted to post a blog while I was awake, but I was feeling really confused.

    I called my doctor this morning and asked her to lower one of my medications. We had talked about this before about two (2) months ago and she never changed it with the pharmacy. It didn’t matter to me immediately, because I still had plenty of 50mg left. Till the past five (5) nights anyway. So I’ve been using the increased dose. I could feel the change in me by day five (5). It wasn’t helping. It was making things worse. So I called my provider and spoke with a nurse. I’m hoping to hear back from her yet today.

    The bottom line is I’m going to quit taking that medication if they don’t decrease it. Something people with bipolar always do. I’m tired of feeling like crap because of a medication. And as much as my fears want me to continue taking it, my brain is telling me NO. I did not like the feeling I felt as soon as I woke up this morning. I almost forgot where I even was. So until I hear from my doctor again I’m no longer taking that medication.

  • Sleepless Nights, Early Mornings

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    I’m tired of not sleeping. My body does not shut down at night. Not naturally. I normally have to take medication to slow down my brain long enough to fall asleep.

    I wake up several times through the night. I don’t know why. This has been going on ever since my stint on meth. It’s like my body responds differently than it used to. I go through periods where I don’t sleep but four (4) hours total.

    This evening/morning was one of those nights. I’ve been awake since 3:30am.

    I think my diet plays a roll in my sleep patterns. I don’t recall if I mentioned this, but my doctor diagnosed me with anorexia. I don’t agree with that diagnosis . After all my weight certainly doesn’t say I’m anorexic. But she explained to me that it was my eating habits that got me that diagnosis (I fast a lot).

    When I wake up it takes me about an hour and a half to fall back to sleep. If I wake up at 3am or later I just stay up. It gives me quiet time before the crowd in the house wakes up.

    When I smoked cigarettes I’d be outside on the deck already with a cup of coffee and a cigarette at 4am. But since I’ve quit smoking cigarettes (August 2023) that routine went away. Now, when I wake up early I just stare at my TV. Sometimes just a black screen.

    Today I have been awake since 3:30am. My mind has been non-stop with the events going on in the world. I’m still grieving the loss of Charlie Kirk. It’s just a very sad situation and reminds me of words said in the book of Revelation.

    I truly believe in reincarnation. And I believe that Charlie Kirk was sent here as a profit that was crucified because of his beliefs. I don’t know any other way to word it. It’s spoken of in the book of Revelation.

  • Deep Dive

    Islam, The Left & Charlie Kirk : YouTube

    I’ve been watching this show on YouTube right now and I’m only about twenty (20) minutes into it and I just couldn’t believe my ears. People were celebrating over Charlie Kirk’s death?? There is wording in the Bible specifically about that. And I wish I knew off the top of my head where that was. It’s in the book of Revelation.

    Jesus also spoke of these such shenanigans while he was alive. He said these are only growing pains for what’s to come.

    I remember when I got my first Bible. I was probably seventeen (17). Me and my sister (or was it my best friend at that time🤔) Anyway, we did our own little Bible studies. And we started in the book of Revelation. We spooked ourselves a lot. If you don’t know your Bible you really shouldn’t start with the book of Revelation. I would suggest starting in the New Testament with Matthew, Mark, Luke or John. And move forward from there.

    The Book of Revelation Explained – Nowsthetime.org

    If you want a good explanation of the book of Revelation the video above explains it very well and very thoroughly. I suggest people watch this and get on board for the coming of the messiah. What we are seeing in the world today was predicted. And in the end Jesus does win. I hate to burst people’s bubbles.

    It’s just monstrous how people are acting over this. They are completely clueless. And, as I’m thinking more on it, if I remember correctly, it was in Chapter 11 of the book of Revelation. This same celebration was talked about upon the death of two prophets. Charlie Kirk was a prophet in my eyes. A man of God, evangelizing. And he was killed because of it.

    There is a lot of evil in this world, and it’s ramping up in people’s spirit. People don’t have a conscious anymore. Our GenZ kids are growing up incompetent, incapable and incomplete. Because they don’t know God. They think it’s funny to do evil things. I think this attitude comes from TV and video games these kids are growing up with. Nothing but reality shows on TV anymore. I feel so sorry for our future generations.

  • Alone, But Not Lonely

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    I spend a lot of time by myself. And I enjoy it. For me, it is really difficult to socialize, unless I have a cocktail in my hand. My anxiety always kicks in. So if there’s alcohol around (mainly wine), I’ll drink. But I prefer not to. That’s why I spend so much time alone.

    I thought to go to a celebration of life yesterday, but I was supposed to work, which didn’t end up happening. But I didn’t really want to go anyway, because of the partying. I feel like I’ve outgrown drinking parties. For me, my partying days were my early high school years. I ended up pregnant at age seventeen (17). My daughter was born a couple weeks before my eighteenth (18) birthday. My days of partying were over once I found out I was pregnant. And even after she was born, I went out once, on my eighteenth (18) birthday, and that was about it, until my daughter went off to college.

    When my daughter left for college I began to struggle with my identity. I didn’t realize how much of my identity was wrapped around my daughter, until she left. I ended up with empty nest syndrome. I had lost my identity. Or felt like I had. So, for a couple of years I partied pretty heavily. Until my second DWI in 2011. That was a game changer for me.

    That second DWI was painful. I ended up running off the road into a grove of trees. Which was better than running into the car ahead of me stopped at the stop sign. I don’t remember any of this, I’m only going according to what the police report said. I’m just thankful nobody else was involved or injured. And like I said, I have no recollection of what happened. I just woke up in the hospital.

    I lost my license as a result of my DWI. I was three (3) times over the legal limit (I think I blew .36 at one point). Because I lost my license I had to take a demotion at work. My supervisor told me I could rearrange my staffs schedules so it wouldn’t interfere with any part of my job. But I didn’t feel right punishing my staff for my mistake. So I instead took a demotion to overnight staff. I didn’t last too long in that position, because the owner of the company wanted me to spy on and rat out other house leaders. That just wasn’t my gig, so I resigned.

    It was after my second DWI that my second husband disowned me. I have no other way to put it. I was getting the silent treatment and I could feel the disgust he felt toward me. We ended up divorcing over my bad behavior. I stressed him out was his reason for the divorce. I accepted that, but just started drinking even harder, along with prescription medication I was taking. At one point I had taken too much medication when I was drinking (okay, to be honest, I was attempting to end my life). It was shortly after that I went into treatment for alcohol addiction. That was 2014. And I won’t lie and say I’ve been alcohol free ever since, but I was alcohol free until my birthday of 2023. I have no idea what enticed me. But my drinking now only involves a glass or two (2) of wine to unwind after work. But anybody in recovery will say that’s one or two too many. So far it hasn’t affected anything.

  • The Struggle is Real

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    I struggle with racing thoughts, mainly in the evening, later at night. That’s why I go to bed so darn early. Well, one reason. My mind starts to worry. And it could have to do with just about anything. Tonight it’s finances and moving. And Charlie Kirk.

    I’m normally sleeping at this hour, but I ended up taking a nap earlier, so now I’m not tired. I’m trying to find things of interest in my bedroom to distract me. I’m burning a candle and burned some incense. I tried to focus on a TV show, but was unsuccessful in that, so I put on some meditation music, hoping it would get me started on a good daydream. But I can’t focus on that either.

    I think I’m depressed. Over what happened to Charlie Kirk. I just think it is so sad that you can’t have an opinion anymore and you’re outed for it. The violence is getting worse. And I, myself, blame it on our last administration. Turning people into ….. monsters.

    It’s so apparent where the violence is coming from. People have just lost their minds. All over politics.

    We didn’t hear about this kind of violence on TV very often. Now, the news has just become unbearable to watch. It’s all violence.

    Jesus said these types of things were going to start happening in the last days; Wars and rumors of war. People are going to be lovers of themselves and lovers of money. Hatred is going to run rampant. All of what’s going on these days is completely biblical.

    What I don’t understand is, if it’s the libs that want illegal immigrants in the United States, then they should be opening up their houses to them. Not making it everybody else’s problem. It’s these people that want them here, but they don’t want to put them up. They just expect the taxpayers to cover the bill. These people are showing empathy to the wrong crowd. What about empathy for the United States as a whole. We are living in the dark ages.

    And what I really find irritating is these people on that side, that are doing the most complaining, are the ones who have money and resources to help people, but they’d rather go on vacation and spend their money on themselves. Then complain that the government won’t flip the bill. It’s just ridiculous.

    I know the difference between empathy and enabling. And I see that people are enabling others to continue with the violence. I’ve heard of all different kinds of arrests where these violators have had several convictions in the past, and we are just enabling them to continue on their sprees, because they get no consequences.

    I think it’s time for people to come together and stop with the hatred and violence. But I’m just one small voice. And it seems people don’t want to come together as a collective unit. All because they hate Trump, they’re going to allow this violence to continue.

    I’m at a loss for anymore words. All I can say is the struggle is real.

  • Sharing Interests

    Cyng:2019 Ancestor’s Alter

    Blogging has actually become a very positive experience for me. Which really surprises me, since my delusions started with Word Press in 2018. And I would say around this same time. We are running into October. The last time I was alone was when I moved in October 2018, to Osceola Wisconsin. I had no idea what I was doing, but I did it.

    I moved away from my support system. What gravitated me? That man, and that meth. I thought by moving nobody would ever know how much I was using. Or wouldn’t recognize the signs. And it was true. They knew something was wrong but didn’t know what to do about it., because they didn’t know what it was.

    I spent some time in the hospital on several occasions. The person I was dating at that time, we will just call him “Bob” for the sake of sparing names, sometimes I would call him. And I wanted so desperately to hear him tell me he loved me and was sticking by my side. But No. The most I got out of him during my treatment binges was a ride from Cloquet to the next treatment cent. We took about a an hour break to get high, have sex and leave. It was then that I started to realize “this person isn’t out for my best interests “.

    I had never felt so embarrassed and disrespected in all of my life at that incident. When he opened the doors of his vehicle at the treatment center cans and bottles of beer just rolled out. I was so embarrassed. Also, when he dropped me off at the next center, he wanted to give me some drugs to bring in. I swear this man was out to ruin my life. why? Because I slighted him.

    I don’t think I will ever get over the past. Because it’s always going to be an illusion for me. But if I don’t move on that makes him a winner. And we don’t want that.

    The picture above is very triggering. I hadn’t made an outside alter for probably five (5) years. It makes me feel vulnerable sharing it. Because it came with no instructions. I just winged it off the top of my heart.

  • Then And Now – What Meth Does to You

    Then:2/28/20
    Now: 9/13/25

    I’ve been clean from meth for over five (5) years now. I refuse to associate with anyone who does it. I’ve come a long way and I am very, humbly proud of myself. For some reason I feel like one of the lucky ones. That drug is very hard to get off of once you start it. Well, at least it was for me. I thank God for opening my eyes as quick as he did. It took the help of a restraining order to open my eyes.

    I think a lot of people lie to me when they say, “Yeah, I don’t do that anymore”. I can see it in their eyes and their facial expressions. And I can tell by the way they respond when I ask, “How long have you been clean?”.

    I don’t want people thinking I think I’m better than others just because I got clean from meth. That drug ruins lives. I know people who have been smoking it daily for twelve (12+) years. It’s a hard drug to get off of. Withdrawal symptoms include extreme fatigue for weeks, hunger and extreme anxiety (for me). Every time I would try to quit that crap on my own I couldn’t do it because of the severe anxiety. I finally put myself into treatment for eight (8) months just to get off that crap. Yes, my anxiety was horrible. That’s why I jumped from treatment center to treatment center. I’d make two (2) weeks at one place, freak out about something, then move to a different treatment center. I felt like people were always bullying me. It was constant flashbacks of the things that happened to me when I was on meth.

    I did finally graduate an outpatient program. And I have no plans to go back. Now that I know better about drugs and how they affect me I will never try another drug again. That’s a promise I’m keeping. After everything I went through on that meth I have no interest in trying anything new. I was in a drug induced psychosis for longer than a year when I was on that garbage, and I didn’t even know it. I thought people on YouTube were talking to me. My mind was so messed up. And the person I was dating at that time was of no help. He egged on my delusions. He actually did a lot more and none of it was any good.

    After treatment I started back into individual therapy. I was able to resume therapy with the therapist I was utilizing at one of the treatment centers I went to. This therapist has been a God send. She has been so supportive and helpful and encouraging.

    Just from my own personal experience, I know people hate the word therapy. Sometimes I gripe about it taking up my time. But it’s only an hour a week. And I like to bounce my thoughts off her. She’s extremely helpful.

  • Speaking of Faith

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    People maybe wonder about my faith. Not that I’m anybody important, but maybe after my last post people may be wondering. I’ll be glad to talk about it.

    Let me start off by saying I was raised in the Catholic Church. I stuck with that until I was old enough and out of the house to make my own decisions. And for a while I didn’t believe anything. Well, I believed in a higher power. That was taught to me in treatment.

    But today I believe in a lot of things. I know a little bit about each religion. I won’t say I’m fully Christian, though Christianity was all I knew, up until a few years ago.

    I believe in God, Jesus and the Bible. I believe Jesus was sent here by God on a mission. I believe this so much, because, after all, I believe we are all here sent to this earth with a purpose. God has a plan for everybody. And I believe God sent Jesus for a purpose. And that was to spare the rest of the world. I think because of Jesus our sins have been atoned for. So, we can now have a personal relationship with God again, that was once taken away by Adam and Eve.

    But I believe in more than that. I know Christian’s will say you should not rely on anybody or anything else but Jesus. But I say, God puts people in your life to teach you things about yourself. I don’t believe people meet by accident. God sent them into your life for some reason. Just like he removes people from your life for some reason. I’m sure all of it is to our benefit. God’s not out to hurt us.

    I do believe in meditation. And I know that is something anti Christian. But it’s been an effective tool for me to keep my energy level lighthearted. And calm. I burn incense and candles, again which Christian’s are against. But that makes no sense to me. When Jesus was born three (3) wisemen gave gifts, and one was incense. Another was Myrrh, which I have in essential oils that I run in my diffuser.

    I love making outdoor alters. And if I can find a pic of one I’ll show it to you. But living with my family currently, I don’t make outdoor alters, because my daughter doesn’t want my grandsons asking questions about it (my daughter is Christian).

    I also make indoor alters, but I don’t feel they are as effective.

    I own a singing bowl, which is anti Christian.

    I collect crystal spheres, which again, is anti Christian. As a matter of fact, when I first got clean off meth (I suppose I had maybe a year of sobriety), I talked to one of the ministers at the church I was thinking about joining. Anyway, I made an appointment to talk to the minister, so we met. We talked about my concerns of using tarot cards and crystals. He told me I needed to get rid of everything, including the jewelry I was wearing. I got a little stubborn over that, so I didn’t go back. Not for a long time anyway. I wasn’t ready to give up my spheres. I had been collecting them for years. I have something like fifty-five (55) of them. I gave up all my jewelry (temporarily). I brought the church my tarot cards (some of them) to throw away. I just wasn’t ready to completely let go. So I stopped going to that church.

    I then tried, what I would consider, a recovery church. I felt like I fit in okay, but I also felt like I was being a hypocrite. So, I just quit going. I haven’t found a church nearby that entices me. And it all has to do with beliefs.

    I feel self-help books are words inspired by God. Lots of Christian’s don’t necessarily believe in self help books.

    I could go on with my list, but I think people can conclude my point.

    I love the outdoors and nature. I maybe worship it even. But I believe God is in the trees. I believe he’s in the birds. God is everywhere and everything.

    And that, in a short course is what I believe in. Does that make me a Christian? The Christian’s would say not. If I were to call myself anything, it would be a Wiccan Christian. Though I don’t worship different deities, I do believe in harm no one and I worship God in nature. I don’t know if this is even a belief, but that’s the best I can call it. If we need a label.

  • Charlie Kirk – A man of faith – a Man of Martyrdom

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    I don’t watch the news too often anymore, so I don’t really know what’s been happening lately. I had to quit watching, because it was stressing me out. But I went to dinner with a friend this evening and heard the sad news about Charlie Kirk. I about fell over. My daughter mentioned it to me this morning, but I didn’t pay close enough attention. I just heard that Charlie Kirk was assassinated and I had to take some time to think. I know that name. Why can’t I believe it’s who I think it is?

    I learned this evening it was the exact person I thought it was. I had a premonition about this happening. A sixth sense you could say. I watched him. Not all the time, but I’ve watched some of the debates. He was a man of faith. Killed for his beliefs.

    What has this country turned into? Since we have gotten all these illegal people from other countries roaming to the United States the crimes have been just vicious. The democrats cried every time Biden was insulted. Now, they’re causing violence. Something they accused Trump of doing, they are, in fact, doing themselves. It’s called projection. These people are trying to project how they feel about themselves onto us who really don’t give a crap about them or their feelings.

    I voted for Trump. If this gets my website canned I really don’t care. I don’t understand what the big fuss is about. He’s our president for the next four (4) years. Everything going on in the world today is completely selfish. And it’s says it even in the Bible, that people will be lovers of money and lovers of themselves (2 Timothy 3:2). And much more. We are living in our last days. Things are coming in great speed.

    People might consider me a Christian. I, on the other hand, hold myself to a different set of beliefs that does include some Christianity in it. But that doesn’t necessarily make me a Christian.

    We can save that for another day.

  • Memories and Trauma

    Cyng:Quotes Creator

    Yes, the memories are still there. Not just from this recent stint, but going all the way back to childhood. And they’re not necessarily memories stored in the brain, but more so memories stored in the body.

    The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, MD is an excellent book on trauma and how trauma is stored. Even though our brains may put it away in a box, our body tells a different story. We have trauma stored away for years, with no way of working through it. That’s why I strongly recommend a good therapist that you can connect with. I’ve been in therapy pretty much ever since I was seventeen (17) years old, on and off. I’ve been through a few therapists. This last therapist I’m seeing now is probably the greatest therapist I’ve had. I trust her. She has helped me through a lot. She knows her job and she does it well. I feel like she is very authentic.

    I think if you’re going to do some big changes you should seek a therapist first. They’ll be honest and tell you whether it’s in your best interest or not.

    And people think you only need to see a therapist once and you’re cured. That is a myth. Growth is a long process. It’s a lifetime process. Some seasons are better than others, but therapy has given me tools and power to manage my symptoms and work through my fears. A therapist is great for getting you back on track.

    I know a lot of people cringe at the thought of individual therapy, but it has been a great help for me. Rather than running around talking shit about people I see her and bitch. She listens and gives me better ideas for dealing with situations I’m not sure how to deal with. My experience with therapy has been good. I won’t say it’s all been good. I’ve had some pretty crappy therapists. That’s why it’s so important not to give up. Find one you can connect with. Eventually, you will find one.

  • On a New Note

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    A lot of my posts go into the draft file, because I get too scared to make myself vulnerable. There was a time when I was more forthcoming. But that was when I was on meth and thought people on TV were talking to me. I also thought I was some kind of superstar, about to be noticed at any time….. I look back at that now and can’t help but laugh at myself. It took a long time to laugh about it though.

    Actually, I think I was able to start laughing about it when I wrote a list of strange things for the investigator to look for on that man’s computer. After I did that I got scared that man was going to seek revenge on me. So I got a new phone and new phone number. Just in case, it made me feel better. It made me feel safe.

    But I guess it’s been since he finally got caught that I finally mellowed out about it. I wanted so badly for him to suffer like I did. But after his sentencing I thought, God must know what he’s doing. I can’t control the situation. Of course, I reactivated my old phone so so I could call him and tell him what I thought about the sentencing. In my eyes he didn’t get enough. Seventeen (17) days in jail for a felony. I couldn’t believe it. Just goes to show what money buys you.

    I’m not sure why he got the nerve to call me and tell me he got busted. He contacted me about a month after his arrest. Of bourse, he wasn’t in jail. He paid a huge chunk of money for bail and attorneys.

    But for some reason, he felt compelled to call me and apologize for everything that happened between us. He said that 90% of what I went through was his fault, or his doing. I asked him to please be specific about what he was apologizing for, but he wouldn’t give me a straight answer, other than to tell me that everything I questioned, there was no more need to question. It was all him.

    So…. Here we go again. Another point in my life where I still don’t know what was real and what was not. There was so much going on back then, and I couldn’t make any sense out of it. But after he called I put all those memories to rest after emailing the private investigator with my list.

    I still pray, to this day, for reciprocity. I still daydream that someday that private investigator is going to contact me and say “Hey, we found what you’ve been looking for and we believe you have been the victim of a crime”. Not that I want something bad to happen to me, or him, but I do want the truth.

    He has admitted to me that he bullied a woman online. The police even came to talk to him about it. He thought it was funny. I didn’t. I was still in trauma mode when he told me this.

    He also admitted to messing with my best friend’s phone (best friend at that time). He did this by making continuous robot calls for 24 hours straight to her phone. The strangest thing about this was I got a notification on my phone from a male tarot reader. When I opened the notification it was a video of this gentleman doing tarot cards and telling me my friend’s phone was being messed with. After hearing this I tried calling her, but it just kept going straight to voicemail. I was living in a domestic abuse shelter at that time. When I couldn’t get ahold of her I then drove to her house. She met me at the door with her phone and showed me what had been going on. Of course we filed a police report, but they didn’t care (the police).

    My point is he won’t acknowledge exactly what he did to me, yet he’ll fess up to the gal online and my best friend (at the time). He did what he did to my best friend at that time, because she wrote an anonymous letter to his place of employment (which was a church) suggesting they drug test him and stating how bad it looks for the church having a meth addict working there (these words aren’t exact, but you get the picture anyway). When the church received the letter they brought it to his attention. But he weaseled his way out of any validity in it. The church believed him.

    But, now that his house was raided and he was arrested at the church, I guess that’s pretty fair. Along with ten (10) years probation, maybe that will clean his act up. I don’t know. I’ve pretty much let it go now. God knows what He’s doing.

  • Morning Meditation

    Istockphoto.com

    I love mornings. And I especially love mornings when I can practice my rituals.

    I find meditation to be the most calming exercise I’ve tried, liked and stuck with. To me, meditation means I’m listening for God’s guidance. I could do this entirely in my bedroom. So my bedroom has become my safety zone. Of course, meditation can be done anywhere. And I do know people who take a break in the middle of work for about ten (10) minutes to regroup and ground.

    Meditation outdoors is the best, in my opinion. I like to fill my backpack full of fun stuff and go sit down by the river. Instead of meditation music I have the sound of the river to connect to.

    I try to do my morning meditation right away, especially, because it always helps my day start out better. My routine consists of burning a candle and some incense, reading a little in my Bible and writing a thought for the day in which to focus on. I pray to God for guidance and listen for him to speak to me. Meditation music is also included in my ritual. It makes for a very comforting atmosphere as well as a comforting experience.

    I was awake again this morning at 3am and thought to myself now would be a great time to start my rituals. But I waited until 5:30am when my son in law left for work. I just figured it was less people I have to explain the smell of incense to. Because I’m always being asked Are you burning something in your room or what is that smell. My daughter is very sensitive to smell, so this is one reason I may hold off on my morning meditation until later. After she leaves. But that’s not always the case. It’s not the case this morning anyway. I absolutely love the smell of incense. It makes me feel like I’m cleansing and clearing my space. And the fragrance is relaxing and calming for me.

    I don’t think I meditate like most people meditate. But it’s not about how everybody else does it. It doesn’t matter to me how other people do it, or if there’s a correct way to do it. What matters is your intentions and your heart. What matters to me is my own personal relationship with God. This is between me and God.

    Some people (religions) think meditation is an evil practice. But I would like to challenge that belief. I don’t see the difference between going to church and singing and praying and listening to worship music any different than practicing meditation by water. Or anywhere for that matter.

  • From Scapegoat to Seer

    From Scapegoat to Seer – The Psychoanalysis

    This is another video I would recommend watching. Like I said, these series are very informative. They really open my eyes.

    I was the scapegoat in my family while I was growing up. And even now, my mother still despises me for some reason. I’ve often thought that maybe I had another father from the rest. Maybe that was why she treated me so horribly, compared to everybody else. And as guilty as I feel saying it out loud,, I think it needs to be said.

    I mean, why else would a child of six (6) siblings be treated differently? Because something about me was different. People didn’t like that. And people still don’t.

    I was the mouthy one. When shit hit the fan and I was old enough, I started running. I remember running to the neighbors house because my dad was sitting on my mom like she was a horse, down on her knee’s, and he was beating her head onto the floor. You don’t forget shit like that. I ran to the neighbors house for help, but when they came my mother brushed it off like it was no big deal, even though she had plenty of bruises on her face to show for it.

    I remember another time, in the Country Kitchen parking lot, my dad put his hands on my mom and I jumped out the window of the car to go get the police whom were sitting inside. But as I tried to run past, my mom grabbed me by the arm and begged me not to go in or talk to them.

    All my life I’ve been the scapegoat. As I got older and got married my mom finally liked me. Mostly because she now had somebody that could plow her out in the winters and fix things for her. But, when him and I divorced, I again became a nobody to her.

    It’s my belief that she put a curse on me when I was younger. She said nobody was gonna ever want me. I took that to heart. And somewhere down the line in my years I proved her right. I’m alone. And I’m not interested in dating anybody. I make messes.

    I don’t like talking bad about my mother. But there are still a lot of unresolved issues between us that will probably always be there. She doesn’t like to talk to me, because I tell her the truth. So rather than poke the bear, I am choosing to keep distance between us. I know she’s getting up there in age, and I’m probably going to feel bad when something happens, but I can’t help how I feel at this present time.

    Sure, she has apologized to me, a couple of different times. She had no excuse as to why I was treated differently than everybody else, other than jealousy. She did tell me this on a couple of occasions. And yes, like I said, she has apologized. But to me, an apology means change. And I haven’t been seeing any changes. That’s why I’m having such a hard time forgiving her. She apologizes, but nothing changes.

  • So the Saying Goes

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    I’m not gonna sit here and lie that I am not nervous. Because I am. I don’t know if I’m making the right decisions. Everything is changing all at once. I don’t know what to think of it. Not only that, but I’ve had three (3) job offers now as well. So now I’ve got more decisions. And I don’t want to move, but I think God is forcing me out. All the signs are pointing that way. All I can do is hope and pray that everything turns out as it’s supposed to.

    Why Empaths Trigger Envy …..Depth of the Soul

    I put my paper down and pick it up as thoughts come to me. Well, I started watching this show on YouTube, and I’ve been watching these episodes for a while. And it’s just so strange how an empath even becomes an empath. According to Jung. But so much of it does make sense.

    According to Jung, an empath is an unhealed spirit who is constantly on guard for danger, hence the super power in reading people. Empaths are also people pleasers to avoid conflict. This video explains it quite well. An empath’s sixth sense comes from years of conditioning and growing up in pain. It comes from conditioning the mind to believe you are always in danger. Even though the danger is no longer there.

    I don’t know if anybody has noticed this, but an empath often sticks to themselves. People can be draining. I shouldn’t say people, I more so I mean people’s energy. People’s energy can be draining. So an empath often needs personal space and time to recharge. A lot of people don’t understand this necessity for time to recharge. And I’m a person who needs it a lot. Or I don’t function well.

    I am not a crowd person either. I don’t need to have an army of friends to feel whole. I already feel whole, just by myself. Which is another thing people don’t understand is healing from trauma is a private matter. It’s not something anybody can help you with. It’s something you must do on your own, with the help of a therapist is always best. But I started my journey without one. Then, after walking in circles I decided I needed help. Once I got my therapist picked out it took some time to get to know each other. And in that time I knew whether that therapist was a good fit for me.

    I cannot express enough how important it is to have an individual therapist. I don’t feel that airing your laundry out to friends is very productive or safe. You’re probably not going to get honest feedback from a friend.

    It’s important to have friends who lift you up rather than drag you down. Positive people with positive vibes. I know we can’t be happy campers all the time. But we can at least try to be comfortable.

    I know a lot of people are against talk therapy, but I strongly feel it’s a very good starting point. For me, I needed a confidant to acknowledge my feelings. Somebody just to tell me You’re not crazy Cindy. You have unresolved trauma. She added a couple more ailments to my already long list of ailments. I was pretty disappointed about that. As well as surprised. So, not only do I have Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Anxiety and PTSD, but she also added Borderline Personality Disorder and Anorexia. Neither of them make any sense to me. So the next time I saw her I gave her my two (2) cents. Oh, and she also changed my PTSD disorder to Complex PTSD.

    The complex ptsd does not surprise me at all. I’ve done some reading on it in the past and have wondered if maybe that was more accurate.