Healing from trauma is a lifetime of work and dedication. Hi, my name is Cindy. I have started this blog to be more like a diary. I share my thoughts and experiences and joys so that I may touch just one heart out there. I won’t claim to know it all, as I am not a doctor. But what this is will be my own experience of trauma and recovery. And maybe a friend whom can share their wisdom as well. We are all walking this same journey in life. But all of our paths are different. I believe in oneness. I believe we are connected. Trauma doesn’t have to be huge to be trauma. Just being born can be a traumatic experience. Let’s talk about this and see where it goes.
I don’t watch the news too often anymore, so I don’t really know what’s been happening lately. I had to quit watching, because it was stressing me out. But I went to dinner with a friend this evening and heard the sad news about Charlie Kirk. I about fell over. My daughter mentioned it to me this morning, but I didn’t pay close enough attention. I just heard that Charlie Kirk was assassinated and I had to take some time to think. I know that name. Why can’t I believe it’s who I think it is?
I learned this evening it was the exact person I thought it was. I had a premonition about this happening. A sixth sense you could say. I watched him. Not all the time, but I’ve watched some of the debates. He was a man of faith. Killed for his beliefs.
What has this country turned into? Since we have gotten all these illegal people from other countries roaming to the United States the crimes have been just vicious. The democrats cried every time Biden was insulted. Now, they’re causing violence. Something they accused Trump of doing, they are, in fact, doing themselves. It’s called projection. These people are trying to project how they feel about themselves onto us who really don’t give a crap about them or their feelings.
I voted for Trump. If this gets my website canned I really don’t care. I don’t understand what the big fuss is about. He’s our president for the next four (4) years. Everything going on in the world today is completely selfish. And it’s says it even in the Bible, that people will be lovers of money and lovers of themselves (2 Timothy 3:2). And much more. We are living in our last days. Things are coming in great speed.
People might consider me a Christian. I, on the other hand, hold myself to a different set of beliefs that does include some Christianity in it. But that doesn’t necessarily make me a Christian.
Yes, the memories are still there. Not just from this recent stint, but going all the way back to childhood. And they’re not necessarily memories stored in the brain, but more so memories stored in the body.
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, MD is an excellent book on trauma and how trauma is stored. Even though our brains may put it away in a box, our body tells a different story. We have trauma stored away for years, with no way of working through it. That’s why I strongly recommend a good therapist that you can connect with. I’ve been in therapy pretty much ever since I was seventeen (17) years old, on and off. I’ve been through a few therapists. This last therapist I’m seeing now is probably the greatest therapist I’ve had. I trust her. She has helped me through a lot. She knows her job and she does it well. I feel like she is very authentic.
I think if you’re going to do some big changes you should seek a therapist first. They’ll be honest and tell you whether it’s in your best interest or not.
And people think you only need to see a therapist once and you’re cured. That is a myth. Growth is a long process. It’s a lifetime process. Some seasons are better than others, but therapy has given me tools and power to manage my symptoms and work through my fears. A therapist is great for getting you back on track.
I know a lot of people cringe at the thought of individual therapy, but it has been a great help for me. Rather than running around talking shit about people I see her and bitch. She listens and gives me better ideas for dealing with situations I’m not sure how to deal with. My experience with therapy has been good. I won’t say it’s all been good. I’ve had some pretty crappy therapists. That’s why it’s so important not to give up. Find one you can connect with. Eventually, you will find one.
A lot of my posts go into the draft file, because I get too scared to make myself vulnerable. There was a time when I was more forthcoming. But that was when I was on meth and thought people on TV were talking to me. I also thought I was some kind of superstar, about to be noticed at any time….. I look back at that now and can’t help but laugh at myself. It took a long time to laugh about it though.
Actually, I think I was able to start laughing about it when I wrote a list of strange things for the investigator to look for on that man’s computer. After I did that I got scared that man was going to seek revenge on me. So I got a new phone and new phone number. Just in case, it made me feel better. It made me feel safe.
But I guess it’s been since he finally got caught that I finally mellowed out about it. I wanted so badly for him to suffer like I did. But after his sentencing I thought, God must know what he’s doing. I can’t control the situation. Of course, I reactivated my old phone so so I could call him and tell him what I thought about the sentencing. In my eyes he didn’t get enough. Seventeen (17) days in jail for a felony. I couldn’t believe it. Just goes to show what money buys you.
I’m not sure why he got the nerve to call me and tell me he got busted. He contacted me about a month after his arrest. Of bourse, he wasn’t in jail. He paid a huge chunk of money for bail and attorneys.
But for some reason, he felt compelled to call me and apologize for everything that happened between us. He said that 90% of what I went through was his fault, or his doing. I asked him to please be specific about what he was apologizing for, but he wouldn’t give me a straight answer, other than to tell me that everything I questioned, there was no more need to question. It was all him.
So…. Here we go again. Another point in my life where I still don’t know what was real and what was not. There was so much going on back then, and I couldn’t make any sense out of it. But after he called I put all those memories to rest after emailing the private investigator with my list.
I still pray, to this day, for reciprocity. I still daydream that someday that private investigator is going to contact me and say “Hey, we found what you’ve been looking for and we believe you have been the victim of a crime”. Not that I want something bad to happen to me, or him, but I do want the truth.
He has admitted to me that he bullied a woman online. The police even came to talk to him about it. He thought it was funny. I didn’t. I was still in trauma mode when he told me this.
He also admitted to messing with my best friend’s phone (best friend at that time). He did this by making continuous robot calls for 24 hours straight to her phone. The strangest thing about this was I got a notification on my phone from a male tarot reader. When I opened the notification it was a video of this gentleman doing tarot cards and telling me my friend’s phone was being messed with. After hearing this I tried calling her, but it just kept going straight to voicemail. I was living in a domestic abuse shelter at that time. When I couldn’t get ahold of her I then drove to her house. She met me at the door with her phone and showed me what had been going on. Of course we filed a police report, but they didn’t care (the police).
My point is he won’t acknowledge exactly what he did to me, yet he’ll fess up to the gal online and my best friend (at the time). He did what he did to my best friend at that time, because she wrote an anonymous letter to his place of employment (which was a church) suggesting they drug test him and stating how bad it looks for the church having a meth addict working there (these words aren’t exact, but you get the picture anyway). When the church received the letter they brought it to his attention. But he weaseled his way out of any validity in it. The church believed him.
But, now that his house was raided and he was arrested at the church, I guess that’s pretty fair. Along with ten (10) years probation, maybe that will clean his act up. I don’t know. I’ve pretty much let it go now. God knows what He’s doing.
I love mornings. And I especially love mornings when I can practice my rituals.
I find meditation to be the most calming exercise I’ve tried, liked and stuck with. To me, meditation means I’m listening for God’s guidance. I could do this entirely in my bedroom. So my bedroom has become my safety zone. Of course, meditation can be done anywhere. And I do know people who take a break in the middle of work for about ten (10) minutes to regroup and ground.
Meditation outdoors is the best, in my opinion. I like to fill my backpack full of fun stuff and go sit down by the river. Instead of meditation music I have the sound of the river to connect to.
I try to do my morning meditation right away, especially, because it always helps my day start out better. My routine consists of burning a candle and some incense, reading a little in my Bible and writing a thought for the day in which to focus on. I pray to God for guidance and listen for him to speak to me. Meditation music is also included in my ritual. It makes for a very comforting atmosphere as well as a comforting experience.
I was awake again this morning at 3am and thought to myself now would be a great time to start my rituals. But I waited until 5:30am when my son in law left for work. I just figured it was less people I have to explain the smell of incense to. Because I’m always being asked Are you burning something in your room or what is that smell. My daughter is very sensitive to smell, so this is one reason I may hold off on my morning meditation until later. After she leaves. But that’s not always the case. It’s not the case this morning anyway. I absolutely love the smell of incense. It makes me feel like I’m cleansing and clearing my space. And the fragrance is relaxing and calming for me.
I don’t think I meditate like most people meditate. But it’s not about how everybody else does it. It doesn’t matter to me how other people do it, or if there’s a correct way to do it. What matters is your intentions and your heart. What matters to me is my own personal relationship with God. This is between me and God.
Some people (religions) think meditation is an evil practice. But I would like to challenge that belief. I don’t see the difference between going to church and singing and praying and listening to worship music any different than practicing meditation by water. Or anywhere for that matter.
This is another video I would recommend watching. Like I said, these series are very informative. They really open my eyes.
I was the scapegoat in my family while I was growing up. And even now, my mother still despises me for some reason. I’ve often thought that maybe I had another father from the rest. Maybe that was why she treated me so horribly, compared to everybody else. And as guilty as I feel saying it out loud,, I think it needs to be said.
I mean, why else would a child of six (6) siblings be treated differently? Because something about me was different. People didn’t like that. And people still don’t.
I was the mouthy one. When shit hit the fan and I was old enough, I started running. I remember running to the neighbors house because my dad was sitting on my mom like she was a horse, down on her knee’s, and he was beating her head onto the floor. You don’t forget shit like that. I ran to the neighbors house for help, but when they came my mother brushed it off like it was no big deal, even though she had plenty of bruises on her face to show for it.
I remember another time, in the Country Kitchen parking lot, my dad put his hands on my mom and I jumped out the window of the car to go get the police whom were sitting inside. But as I tried to run past, my mom grabbed me by the arm and begged me not to go in or talk to them.
All my life I’ve been the scapegoat. As I got older and got married my mom finally liked me. Mostly because she now had somebody that could plow her out in the winters and fix things for her. But, when him and I divorced, I again became a nobody to her.
It’s my belief that she put a curse on me when I was younger. She said nobody was gonna ever want me. I took that to heart. And somewhere down the line in my years I proved her right. I’m alone. And I’m not interested in dating anybody. I make messes.
I don’t like talking bad about my mother. But there are still a lot of unresolved issues between us that will probably always be there. She doesn’t like to talk to me, because I tell her the truth. So rather than poke the bear, I am choosing to keep distance between us. I know she’s getting up there in age, and I’m probably going to feel bad when something happens, but I can’t help how I feel at this present time.
Sure, she has apologized to me, a couple of different times. She had no excuse as to why I was treated differently than everybody else, other than jealousy. She did tell me this on a couple of occasions. And yes, like I said, she has apologized. But to me, an apology means change. And I haven’t been seeing any changes. That’s why I’m having such a hard time forgiving her. She apologizes, but nothing changes.
I’m not gonna sit here and lie that I am not nervous. Because I am. I don’t know if I’m making the right decisions. Everything is changing all at once. I don’t know what to think of it. Not only that, but I’ve had three (3) job offers now as well. So now I’ve got more decisions. And I don’t want to move, but I think God is forcing me out. All the signs are pointing that way. All I can do is hope and pray that everything turns out as it’s supposed to.
Why Empaths Trigger Envy …..Depth of the Soul
I put my paper down and pick it up as thoughts come to me. Well, I started watching this show on YouTube, and I’ve been watching these episodes for a while. And it’s just so strange how an empath even becomes an empath. According to Jung. But so much of it does make sense.
According to Jung, an empath is an unhealed spirit who is constantly on guard for danger, hence the super power in reading people. Empaths are also people pleasers to avoid conflict. This video explains it quite well. An empath’s sixth sense comes from years of conditioning and growing up in pain. It comes from conditioning the mind to believe you are always in danger. Even though the danger is no longer there.
I don’t know if anybody has noticed this, but an empath often sticks to themselves. People can be draining. I shouldn’t say people, I more so I mean people’s energy. People’s energy can be draining. So an empath often needs personal space and time to recharge. A lot of people don’t understand this necessity for time to recharge. And I’m a person who needs it a lot. Or I don’t function well.
I am not a crowd person either. I don’t need to have an army of friends to feel whole. I already feel whole, just by myself. Which is another thing people don’t understand is healing from trauma is a private matter. It’s not something anybody can help you with. It’s something you must do on your own, with the help of a therapist is always best. But I started my journey without one. Then, after walking in circles I decided I needed help. Once I got my therapist picked out it took some time to get to know each other. And in that time I knew whether that therapist was a good fit for me.
I cannot express enough how important it is to have an individual therapist. I don’t feel that airing your laundry out to friends is very productive or safe. You’re probably not going to get honest feedback from a friend.
It’s important to have friends who lift you up rather than drag you down. Positive people with positive vibes. I know we can’t be happy campers all the time. But we can at least try to be comfortable.
I know a lot of people are against talk therapy, but I strongly feel it’s a very good starting point. For me, I needed a confidant to acknowledge my feelings. Somebody just to tell me You’re not crazy Cindy. You have unresolved trauma. She added a couple more ailments to my already long list of ailments. I was pretty disappointed about that. As well as surprised. So, not only do I have Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Anxiety and PTSD, but she also added Borderline Personality Disorder and Anorexia. Neither of them make any sense to me. So the next time I saw her I gave her my two (2) cents. Oh, and she also changed my PTSD disorder to Complex PTSD.
The complex ptsd does not surprise me at all. I’ve done some reading on it in the past and have wondered if maybe that was more accurate.
3am has been the magic hour of wake up for me for about a week now. Sometimes I’m able to fall back to sleep rather quickly. Last night, however, or this morning, I don’t think I fell back to sleep until about 4:30am then had to be up at 6:30am to make sure the boys make the bus.
But there has been a saying I’ve heard several times. If you wake up at 3am it’s some sort of sign. Ghouls or goblins are waking you up.
In all seriousness, waking up at 3 a.m. can be due to stress or anxiety. Your biological clock gets out of whack. But it can also have a spiritual meaning in various traditions, representing a time for divine connection, heightened intuition, or a cosmic message to pay attention to for spiritual growth and life changes.
The later makes the most sense. I’ve had a lot going on for a few weeks now, and it’s been giving me even more anxiety than I usually have. Starting with a new client and moving in less than a month has me stressed and anxious, more than usual. I haven’t lived on my own in over five (5+) years. Am I ready?
It’s apparent God is going to teach me something new. That’s the only answer I come up with when I try to figure out why all the life changes at once? I want to be excited about it, but I’ve got some huge fears. Not so fearful that I’m going to back out. But a couple of days ago I sure thought about it. I even sent a text message to the manager asking her if it was too late to change my mind? But then about a half hour later I sent her another text and said Forget it, I don’t need to know. I’m looking forward to the move. And then, after talking with my daughter about it again my reservations disappeared. I think I just needed a pep talk. And my daughter was very helpful in reminding me of the good things about having my own place. So my excitement has returned.
I decided to start my morning off with a gratitude list. Because I have a lot to be grateful for.
First off I’m grateful that I was able to fall back to sleep after waking up at 3am in the morning for the third day in a row. I probably fell back to sleep around 4:30am, then woke up for the day at 6:30am. I’d probably still be sleeping, but it was my duty this morning to make sure the kids caught the bus.
I am grateful for coffee. It’s the first thing I grab in the morning and gives me time to open my eyes.
I’m grateful I have a job. I just started with a new client yesterday and other than a bit overwhelming it was a pretty alright day yesterday with work.
I’m grateful for my family. Not just the immediate family I’m currently living with, but also my mother and siblings, as well as their significant others and children.
I’m grateful for friendship. I hold close to my heart some friends that play a significant role in my life.
The biggest one, I am grateful to God. For being by my side even through the toughest of times. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for His grace and mercy. I’m always falling short and He’s always picking me up, brushing me off and telling me to get back in the rink. Don’t give up. Nobody likes a quitter.
I’m actually grateful for all people of all backgrounds, because if we were all the same life would be boring. I can’t imagine another me running around out in the world. Haha.
I’m grateful for candles. I usually burn one every day. I get them at the Dollar Tree. They’re like 7 day candles. But they call them something else at the store.
I’m grateful for incense. Most people can’t tolerate the smell, but for me, that smell is heaven, no matter which one I’m burning. I do have my favorites though: Palo Santo, Dragons Blood and Copal are my favorites. I’m grateful my family allows me to burn them. It puts me in a very comfortable mood.
I’m grateful for meditation music. That with a candle and burning incense puts me in a really pleasant mood for most of the day. I tend to stay more grounded if I’m able to perform these rituals right away in the morning. That’s not always possible, but I somehow make time for it. If I can’t right away in the morning then I wait till I get home from work. It’s very unwinding.
I’m grateful for my support system, which includes friends, family and doctors (psyc, therapist. Family practice, DBT therapy, etc.). All of these people work together to help me be successful.
I’m grateful for the roof over my head. I know a lot of people in this state are homeless and unfortunately our governor doesn’t give a rip. He’s too busy putting up homes for the illegal immigrants. Like I said in a previous post, if I had the money I sure would find a way to help house the homeless.
I think my list could go on and on, because today, not only do I feel grateful, but I also feel unconditional love for everybody. Unfortunately, I really suck at sharing warm feelings. That’s probably why I’m such a giver. I don’t know any other way to show people they are important to me, other than to give them something to prove their importance in my life. Would that be considered a bribe? 😂 I don’t know. I just do what my heart tells me to do.
There is absolute truth to this. I don’t think there’s much else I can say about it. Other than it’s pretty sad. But it is also the absolute truth. Every fiber of your being is completely denied when you’re a child dealing with an unhealed parent.
I used to hold some pretty heavy grudges against my parents. Mainly my dad. But since he passed away in 2009 I’ve only had my mother to deal with, and let’s just face it, her and I have always had a tumultuous relationship.
I forgave my dad. It was easier to forgive him than it has been to forgive my mother. The reasoning behind that is I feel my dad apologized to me in his own way. And with that apology came change on his part. And well, when he changed I saw him differently. He was no longer the monster. He was actually pretty frail and dependent.
My mom and dad had a house fire back when I was in my early 30’s I believe(?). Anyway, my dad ended up with severe burns to his face and arms. How so you ask? Well, the fire started on my youngest sister’s bed somehow. It was my understanding that she was flicking her lighter while being in bed and somehow that started her mattress on fire. My dad, being the way he was, tried to save the house by carrying the mattress out the door. Well, once the mattress got oxygen it engulfed into flames, and my dad carried it out of the house like that. Yes, my dad was pretty…… Brave.
I don’t know why he didn’t let that house burn to the ground. There are nothing but bad memories and negative vibes when I touch foot on that property. I feel like he’s left a scar to everybody in that household. But I do forgive him. He didn’t know what was going on. He had a mental illness. That doesn’t change how it affected me though. Or others.
I do love my dad. I don’t mean to talk bad about him. I’m just being honest. That’s what makes me the black sheep. I tell the truth. When everybody else wants silence.
I loved my dad. I didn’t know it at the time of his death, but my five (5) year binge drinking told the honest truth. I was suffering over it. And I still, to this day, don’t understand why his death profoundly affected me the way it did.
How Family’s Wound Sensitive Souls- Sensitive Psychology
I’ve been watching this video and it is blowing my mind away. I’ve been watching these series for about a week or so now, and none of them have sounded more accurate.
The wound is so real. Yet you have to pretend that it never existed. You grow up with these roles you and your siblings play, even though nobody knew these roles existed.
My family was the classic dysfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic that was later diagnosed with schizophrenia when he finally decided to get sober. We all wondered why his behavior was so strange and embarrassing? Well, after the diagnosis everything fit into place.
When my dad was alive he was mean. Not toward the end of his life. But he was mean when we were growing up. He was mean to me and my mom the most. But in all actuality he was just mean to everybody. The ones he favored felt guilty for being liked by him. They felt like the things he did to me should’ve been done to them also.
But this makes complete sense to me. I learned in therapy, the one’s who were favored felt guilty, because I was always catching heck and all they could do was watch. I think that’s more damaging than being the one getting it.
When I think of these things, my best coping skill is to take a nap. I also listen to a lot of meditation music to keep my anxiety level down. I actually spend a lot of time in quiet meditation. It could be to the point of an obsession or addiction. I can’t not listen to it, when I’m in my bedroom all by myself.
When I’m in my bedroom by myself, with nothing to worry about, I lay in my bed, listen to Mei LAN and daydream about how I would like my life to be. I mean, I hold nothing back. I daydream about winning $186 million dollars in a lawsuit against all the companies I called when I was looking for help with my devices. I daydream about who I’m going to help when I win this lawsuit. I think about changes I want to make in my life with this money.
I want to help people. I know far too many homeless people, just right here, right in the state of Minnesota. I would do anything I could to help that situation out. These people that are homeless are mainly veterans and people with mental illness. Another good percentage goes to drug addiction. But a number of people are working and still can’t afford a place to live. I would help that somehow. I would actually put up hotels for the homeless just like they did the migrants. I would probably help them find jobs, if they don’t have one. And I would somehow help people get clean from drugs, somehow.
I just believe people need a hand up, and nobody is helping them with that one step. Man, if I had money now I’d be helping. Somehow.
Like I said in a previous post, God wants us to do everything out of love.
The more turbulent my life has been the more I have still been holding on to the greatest commandment God has given us.
I don’t hold grudges. Not for very long. It may take me a long time to think through things, but I always come back in the end.
I don’t think that’s happening this time. I can wish people well from a distance. And I can still pray for them. Or even pray for all of us to have an open mind and heart. But I’m not holding on to something or someone that does not see my worth.
I’m tired of the bickering back and forth. And then the silent treatment. People use this as a form of punishment for me, because they know it really hurts me. But it’s hard to have hurt feelings over people you realized were never really your friend to begin with. The only reason people were being nice to me is they thought it would give them something. But when I didn’t reciprocate what they hoped for, they all vanished.
But I will say it again. I am fifty-five (55) years old. I don’t have time for all the weird drama. I prefer the silent treatment. It makes my life easier. I don’t have to worry about confrontation. Though I’m usually the first one to bring it up, not this time. I’ve tried reaching out to people and all I get is silence, so let it be.
On the other end of the spectrum, I have been hanging out with an old, but new friend. We’ve known each other for a few years and he has asked me out on a some dates a few times in the past, but now that I’m not so preoccupied I’ve got more time for him, and it’s been pleasant. No drama. And like I’ve said before, God will close one door and open another.
Love is more than just words to me. Saying “I love you” is easy. A person’s actions prove how they really feel. I’ll use this last relationship I was in as an example. He knew all the right words to say, but his actions did not match his words. He’d say he misses me, then when I come over he invites a crowd. He knows how I feel about crowds. But still, there was always a crowd of people. We never had opportunities to be alone. This told me a lot about the kind of person I was dealing with. This person doesn’t like to be alone. This person holds partying above a relationship. And that’s all cool. It’s just not for me. I’ll just end this topic by saying priorities.
I care an awful lot about people. I’m good at being a distant friend or acquaintance. As far as my close friends, I know they’re a great support for me. And I try to be for them as well.
My number one (1) love language is giving. I love to give things to people. That’s my way of saying I care. I may not always get the right words out, but I do mean well by everybody. I hold no grudges. And if I’ve got something to give I will do it. Whether it’s an actual gift or just my time. I do know that I am a giver. Sometimes it’s to my detriment. Which is not such a good thing. I’ve given everything I’ve had away, and now I have nothing. But that’s not going to stop me from giving. Because I do it with love.
Yes. I’ve been talking on this topic a lot. Either I’m still traumatized from when I was on meth, or these people are actually wishing me ill, all together. Because I believe in that stuff.
I never used to. Until that two (2) year binge on meth. Now, everything and everybody is a constant reminder in some way. I get triggered very easily. Especially in the area of s*x. Every touch, feels like that person. Thank God I am out of that mess. If things would have continued the way they were I was either going to be dead, imprisoned or institutionalized in some way. I thank God every day for the intervention.
I know I saw evil when I was on that stuff. I also saw heaven. Or Jesus in heaven. He told me, “Just hang tight. You will receive yours”.
I sold my soul to the devil back then. When I was on meth. I knew I had done something disastrously wrong. So I prayed to God and the devil to take my soul in place of someone else’s.
But I’ve still been in the battle. I like to say that I did take a vacation sometimes. But for the most part my mind has been very active.
Like, right now. I’m thinking, but the words won’t come out onto paper.
My own mind is a constant battle every day. I think it’s the Aquarius ♒️ in me. I gotta think shit through. And then I gotta think about it some more. Before I finally make a decision.
The sad part about it is, when these people are proven wrong they won’t even admit it. Or acknowledge it. Sounds like the Democratic Party 😂😁
I remember back when I first got clean, I was a wreck for a very long time. Things have slowly gotten better, but there is still some work that needs to be done.
I don’t mind being alone. I do my best healing alone. My best self-care, alone. I’ve got my family and a few close friends that I consider a good support system. I couldn’t be happier. Back when I was on that garbage I had nobody. Everybody abandoned me. Left me to the wolves. I didn’t know or understand what was going on. I experienced some really crazy stuff, a lot too embarrassing to put on paper.
This sounds like a simple verse, but the truth of it is, it’s hard to remember when you’re in amongst the waves, being tossed and thrown among the tide. Do everything in love. That’s a pretty important piece to remember.
I’ve been feeling an awful lot of rejection lately. But it’s not so bad that I’m going to have a meltdown. It’s just a nagging jab on my shoulder. I know why I’m feeling this way, and I also know that there are probably a couple handfuls now of people who dislike me. Kinda reminds me of when I was on meth and thought I was being bullied online by the tarot readers on YouTube.🤔 I’ve always got a lot of haters. And the only thing I can point it to is jealousy. About what I don’t know. But, my mother admitted to being jealous of me at one point in my life. Actually, a couple of times.
It took me eight (8) months in treatment to rid my body of those evil toxins. It took me five (5) years to feel more like myself again. I went to treatment in May 2020 and spent eight (8) months jumping around until I finally graduated an outpatient program. And I don’t plan on going back.
I guess the reason I am bringing this up is because when I got out of treatment I spent close to five (5) years reliving the trauma I endured while on meth for those two (2) years. The people who hurt me and took advantage of me are hard to erase. I didn’t know what was real and what was not for a very long time. I don’t think I’ll actually, fully heal from the abuse, because I still struggle with trusting people. Men more so than women. But I do trust God.
God is rearranging my life. Without a choice in it. He has removed several people from my life and I believe it was intentional. Either because I wasn’t serving him or working on my life’s purpose, or he has somebody/something new in store for me. I was screwing off. Being lazy. Not on guard. Not serving God. Being too worldly.
I need to be the example, not the crowd pleaser. And for that reason, I believe God has put me in the wilderness. To prove that all I need is Him.
I’ve been finding myself doing the oddest things lately. Actually, this past week. I just have not been myself. Well, what I should say is I’ve been praying…. A lot. I’ve got so much going on in my life right now that I’m actually petrified. And I know it has to do with me being in a vulnerable state right now.
Fear is a Liar – Zach Williams
When I get scared I listen to this song. It gives me courage, faith and hope. I know that a lot of my perception is my disability. But I also know that some of the greatest minds came from the weakest moments.
I’m not afraid to say I’ve been through a lot. Maybe not as much as others, but just enough to traumatize me. Trauma is not about big or small. It’s about what it made you feel. Inwardly and outwardly. As well as emotionally.
I’ve learned a lot about trauma in the past seven (7) years. More closely five (5). They only differ in the gap because I was dealing with it without knowing what it was.
Deep down I know that everybody is struggling. Some people just refuse to admit it. And that’s okay too.
Sometimes I listen to the same meditation music over and over. And sometimes that’s not always so good. Because music, no matter what genre, is teaching us something. And some, if over listened, can almost damage a person’s progress.
I like to believe in this. If you just trust God everything you need and desire will be given to you. Only if you take delight in the Lord. You can’t try doing things on your own. You will always fail. But if you have God on your side you can move mountains with just a mustard seed of faith. God has said this very clearly. FAITH. Everything is in faith.
I personally do not have time to wish a person’s life away. I know there are people out there that really despise me and I could care less. These people aren’t thriving. These people aren’t growing. These people are trying to therapize themselves and as much as I hate to chuckle, they don’t have the experience or credentials. to do it. If they can’t figure themselves out yet, how are they going to figure anybody else out? People won’t go deep until they’re forced.
I am happy where I am at today. I know that pisses people off to hear. But I am. And I’m learning there are others out there that are not “toxic”. I seriously didn’t realize I was surrounding myself with toxic people. I’ve gone round and round with my therapist about this and she tells me I’m hanging around toxic people.
Well, who’s not toxic?
Toxic is anything you want it to be. Anything you want it to say. People are just people. And everybody’s idea of toxic is not the same. Why? Because everybody grew up different. If I didn’t grow up like you, then you think your growing up was better than mine (probably the case, but just for argument). I don’t understand why people just can’t get along. Isn’t this world called earth hard enough?
Trauma Healing 