Trauma Healing

Personal Experience Healing from Trauma

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Healing from trauma is a lifetime of work and dedication. Hi, my name is Cindy. I have started this blog to be more like a diary. I share my thoughts and experiences and joys so that I may touch just one heart out there. I won’t claim to know it all, as I am not a doctor. But what this is will be my own experience of trauma and recovery. And maybe a friend whom can share their wisdom as well. We are all walking this same journey in life. But all of our paths are different. I believe in oneness. I believe we are connected. Trauma doesn’t have to be huge to be trauma. Just being born can be a traumatic experience. Let’s talk about this and see where it goes.

  • Is This Love?

    Cyng

    Is this love that I’m feeling? I truly don’t know how it feels to love anybody but my immediate family. So, to say I think I’m in love is a crazy statement. This person has been in front of my face the whole time and I never took notice before. We’ve spent some time together in the past, but I was always too preoccupied.

    But now that I have all these “haters” I’ve been paying more attention. And perhaps this is a God thing. Maybe it took removing all these people from my life so I could open my eyes to what’s possible. I honestly don’t know, but I hope he has some kind of feelings for me too.

    I enjoy the time I spend with him. He seems so easy going. And doesn’t get rattled like I get rattled. He’s not a big drinker, so that’s a plus. Nor does he do any drugs. Even a bigger plus. I’m hoping to spend more time with him, but I’m not going to push it. I’ll let him lead and I’ll just follow along.

    I do daydream a lot, about who my “forever” is going to be. Could it be somebody I never took notice of before? He’s got my attention. And that’s something I don’t normally pay attention to.

  • It’s Time

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    I have got so many changes going on right now and I’m wondering, “Why? Why do we have to change everything all at one time?”

    I’m switching clients at work. I’m moving into my own place. And I’ve lost all of my friends…. Well, not all of them. Only the sensitive ones I guess.

    But truth be told, I’m nervous about all of this. I don’t understand why God is moving me in this direction? Well, wait, I guess I do know why. Because I have been stagnant. And God knows there’s something more I should be doing. So, I’m going with it.

    I had to switch clients, because I don’t do well with afternoon shifts. I can start as early in the morning as a person wants, but if I’m not at work before 12pm I have too much time to think about work, get anxious then end up not going. I’d rather start in the morning, when I don’t have time to think about work before I get there.

    And I wouldn’t be switching clients at all if my original client would just give me mornings back. But I feel like she’s been punishing me ever since I went to go work for my son-in-laws grandmother. She did offer me mornings about a week ago, then for some reason changed her mind. My guess is it’s because she picked a current employee’s son for that position instead. But I just can’t make afternoons work for myself. So that’s why I’m switching clients.

    I’ve already gotten a feel of the responsible party that I’m working with and I already feel this is going to be a challenge. This person has zero empathy for my nerves. I already got yelled at a couple of times. One for contacting the company, which, I did not understand. I always call the company. I don’t understand why now I’m not allowed to.

    Second, I put in the wrong password too many times and ended up locking myself out. I was well aware of this. But I still got yelled at. Time will tell.

    I sent a text message to my new landlord to be, just asking if it was too late to change my mind about the apartment. Not that I have, but would still like to know if that’s an option, before I move in. It doesn’t hurt to ask.

  • People Aren’t People Anymore

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    I get myself into some terrible messes quite often. I’m not sure how I do it. I’m not sure why I attract the people I do, male or female. I try to just be myself. Regardless of the anxiety. But then, somebody wants to be my friend, until my mouth makes a mess.

    I don’t know how I do it, but I do it. And the thing of it is, I’m really not the one doing it. But I take the blame. For everybody’s messed up life. Somehow, their unhappiness is all my fault. I let them stew in it, about me of course.

    This is what I know: I’ve been through more therapy than any of these ***** have been in. I’m not on the same level as they are. These people let words control their feelings. And it doesn’t matter who I’m talking to. I’m hurting feelings. Because I tell the truth. I am an outsider, looking in, and from my observations I see things differently. Most people don’t want to know though. They’d rather live in their bubble of illusion. Not my monkeys, not my circus.

    People think I’m a really weak person. Both physically and emotionally. But the truth is I believe I’m stronger than most people. I don’t have feelings like I used to. It’s probably been five (5) or seven (7) years since I’ve had an actual feeling, that didn’t include my mental state.

    I care about people deeply. But I’ve also lost all confidence in people. So, even though I care about somebody doesn’t mean I have those actual feelings.

    My therapist explained it to me today. She explained the different stages of growth. I believe I am dealing with a bunch of people who are not growing or are not acknowledging that they need to grow. People may think I’m arrogant about this, but that’s not the case. You can call it whatever you want. But I know people. I can see right through them as soon as they open their mouth. Even if they’re quiet that still tells me something about them. And I also know people despise me because I am so observant. I may not be as observant when it comes to a mess in the house, but I am incredibly observant of people. It doesn’t take much to tell me something about someone. I honestly do not like that I can read people so well. That’s why I take my medication. It drowns out my sixth sense.

    I think, scientifically, this sixth sense is a trauma response. Always watching/looking/listening for danger. Don’t have feelings. Feelings are bad. It’s just been imbedded in me through years of conditioning.

  • Whose Opinion is Really Right?

    Cyng:Quotes Creator

    Do you ever talk with people and find out their values or morals really aren’t the same as yours? How do you handle that?

    I’ll be honest, I struggle with this myself. I want to please everybody, but I want to be honest at the same time. And sometimes that just does not work. It’s not like I want to be out hurting feelings. But somehow I always manage to do it. I’m too blunt, not very choosy of my words. Until it’s too late. Then I gotta slap my self in the face and shake my head. Because it doesn’t matter what it is about, I’m always the odd ball.

    I am an over texter as well. I panic when I don’t get a response right away. That is something else I don’t know how to quit. I can’t help it. I get worried and that causes anxiety. But I also know that people are really good at giving me the silent treatment when they’re mad or upset. But they don’t want to talk about it. Or they do want to talk about it, but out in a way that leaves me feeling bad. So, I end up changing my mind because I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. It’s a vicious cycle.

    I also over text in disagreements. I admit I’m usually the one that starts them. Sometimes it takes me a few days to determine exactly what my problem is. And I text while I’m thinking. Not such a smart thing either. But I’m terrible at confrontation. I normally end up tongue tied and forget exactly what it is I’m trying to relay. So, because of my people pleasing personality, whatever was bothering me before, suddenly becomes no big deal now. And what truly was bothering me gets swept under the rug.

    I can count on one (1) hand how many people hold hostility against me. And there’s really nothing I can do about it. I told them the truth, whether it hurt or not, and of course, instead of holding the person I complained about accountable, somehow I get blamed. It’s a sure shit show.

    But back to this silent treatment game: I know far too many people that play that. And people know how it makes me feel. That’s why they do it. It’s like living with my mother all over again. Yes, you could say it’s a trigger.

  • God is Always Telling Me I Have Something to Learn

    Chat GPT

    I know I’m letting the cat out of the bag, but this is my next tattoo. I’ve already got part of it. I just need the person to put it together.

    I had an appointment today for it. I won’t say where. It’s the same place I usually go. But something didn’t seem right today. I had to reschedule it.

    Something was triggering about it. Maybe it was the person I was talking to. As well as he being the person that was going to do it. Something, just didn’t feel right.

    I ended up rescheduling the appointment. I didn’t know what else to do. The day seemed totally off. something wasn’t right. I could speak with an open mind, but I’d rather people asked. Cause I tend to keep a lot of stuff to myself. Because, like said, I know I piss people off. And how can you please people all at once? That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

  • I’m Learning I’ve still got a lot to learn

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    It’s 6am, I’ve been awake since 5am. My mind is constantly rolling over all these decisions I have to make about work and a home. I’ve been offered an apartment. Talk about the wrong timing for that. But I have to move on. Both at home and the job. It’s just scary how it’s all happening at once. And it’s making me fearful that I will mess something up.

    Faith. That’s what I need to look for, it’s my faith. I’ve done this before, I can do it again. It’s just that my life has been so safe and balanced and comfortable. Maybe even lazy. But I’ve had five (5) years to stabilize and I’m feeling pretty confident in that.

    I have a little bit of money saved, that will have to be my cushion in case something comes up.

    My job, I’m choosing to switch families. My mental health is only capable of mornings. I think I have proven that time and time again. But my current client chose somebody else for mornings, after offering them to me, she took it back. I have my guess as to why, but I won’t say it on here.

    Long story short, everything is changing. My home, my job, my friends. God is moving me, yes he is.

    Today is my first DBT class. I will try to get on here and tell you what it’s all about.

    Everybody have a wonderful day.

  • Being Fearful

    About thirty (30) minutes ago I was wondering why God was putting me through the things he was, and it all has to be done at the same time.

    My current job is not working out. I’ve been there four (4) plus years. But in order for me to accel in my job it has to be a morning shift. I notice I get more anxiety in the afternoon. So bad, that I get sick. And end up calling in sick. It gives me too much time to think of work before work. I put this suggestion in and was ignored, so I’m now starting at a new home, with totally different people.

    I’m trusting God on this one. Only He knows what’s going on here and who is learning what. Most likely me. As I have so much to learn. But I also believe that through the discomfort, I am a very valuable person to God. I’ve got something to show. And that is what I keep my mind on. Instead of being fearful.

    It’s hard, starting with a new client and moving into an apartment pretty soon. At the same time. God is teaching me something. Maybe I’ve been too…. Arrogant with change. Acting like it’s easier that it really is.

    I’m actually afraid to move. I’m afraid I’m going to fail. But at the same time, I wonder, “maybe this is why all of my friends were removed from my life?”. Clean slate, what’s it really like?

  • I See You

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    I’m getting so used to be alone. I mean, I like being around people, but I have this gift, that everybody despises. I can see right through BS. And people don’t like that. I don’t even like it. That’s why I take my medication. It drowns out the truth.

    I’ve had a lot of people come and go in my life. They stay just long enough, till I say something that makes them angry, then they leave me. It’s not a big deal, I’m getting used to it. It just goes to show who has matured emotionally and who has not.

    But I don’t blame anybody. I know everybody has unresolved trauma they are trying to live through. And I know that their trauma is being taken out on me. It’s okay. I’m sure I’ve done that too. And I’m sure it was never intentional.

    What I really get a kick out of is someone will tell me I’m nuts, but if you look at the whole basket we’re all nuts. Some people just admit it and some do not. But it always shows up in their behaviors. I don’t talk much in crowds, but I do observe. I’m starting to realize that I need to just keep things to myself. Or stay alone. I think I’ll pick the later of the two. I’m not good at keeping my mouth shut when I hear something that just doesn’t sound right.

    Normally, it’s something bad I’ll hear about somebody, or gossip. I tend to stick up for the little guy. It’s just in my nature. And I may not know all the facts, but I do know what Jesus taught, and that was to show kindness to everybody. So, that’s what I go with. Just because I choose to show kindness doesn’t mean I’m excusing anybody’s behavior. But giving the silent treatment to somebody who is already giving you the silent treatment, I don’t understand this. How does this solve anything?

    It’s like the video I displayed in another post, you can’t heal if you’re living in it. And thank the good Lord I am free. It takes being removed from a situation before a person really realizes, “Yeah, that was bad”.

    Throughout my life I’ve….”been through things”. A lot of it not quite so good. But like I said in another post, I’ve learned and I’ve grown from it. And it’s making me more… aware(?).

  • New Habits

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    I don’t think I will ever understand people. I can’t even understand myself at times. But God is teaching me. I know the difference between empathy and enabling. I also believe what Jesus says in the Bible, that we should show compassion to all people, regardless of what they’re doing. I’ve been taught not to stoop down to the devil’s level.

    During this last round with trauma I can say that I am getting better. Quite a few of my symptoms still linger, but for the most part I’ve been feeling like my old self again. Not that life was better before, I’m simply pointing out that the things that used to trigger me so much has diminished. For some reason my birthday of 2023 opened a floodgate of healing for me. It was like it just came out of nowhere. I woke up and it was like a spell had been broken.

    But God is still teaching me. Teaching me things about my childhood that I never thought of before. Like, showing empathy for my family (outside my home). I’ve been angry at my mother for a very long time. And for various reasons. The top reason at this time is, though she has apologized, nothing has changed. This is what really gets to me. I don’t think she’s even capable of changing at this point. But, she did apologize. And we haven’t spoken since. I can’t help but wonder if this apology had something to do with my youngest sister. I know she’s been needing rides. And that’s normally the only time I hear from my mother. But after her apology I guess I didn’t say enough, or did not say the right words she was hoping to hear.

    God has also been showing me that the “friends” I’ve been hanging out with are not mentally or emotionally well. And people think I have problems. Which I do. I just can’t handle the constant drama some people bring to the table with them. And I’m supposed to just shut up and eat my dinner (reminds me of eating supper with my dad).

    Every day is a new day for growth. But not everybody wants to grow. Most people don’t want things to change, even if some of those things are not good or healthy for them. But none of this really matters. Jesus is coming, and when he does we will all pay the price for our deeds done. Good or bad. I’m not afraid either. I feel I’ve done my best and I will continue to do my best on my healing journey, until God says it’s time to go home.

  • Life’s Purpose

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    I struggle a lot from day to day, wondering what my purpose is and why I’m going through the things I’m going through at the same time.

    I’ve been offered an apartment. I haven’t been on my own in five (5) years. This is actually a little scary for me, I’ve been protected for so long. Not only that but I’m doing it all alone. Just my family. All of my friends have deserted me because of my “bad attitude” I guess.

    No, it’s not a bad attitude. I just see things differently than other people. I call things the way I see them, and people can’t handle that. I don’t care. Well, I do, but I’ve got to just let things go. I am learning a lot about people and myself. I’m learning about clicks. And I’m learning that it doesn’t matter how devoted I am to a job it’s never good enough. For them. I can’t wait to move on.

    Some of me is angry. Because I have put forth so much effort. But it’s just a job. I need to remember this. And people are going to do what they’re going to do.

    People don’t realize the crap I have over them. And I can’t wait to move on. People hurt me, then blame me for hurting them. It’s a preposterous game play and it’s just old. I’ve had enough of the games. I’m fifty-five (55) years old and I don’t have time to play these foolish games. If people can’t accept me for who I am why don’t they just move on?

  • Attachment Styles

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    In my last post I touched on the four (4) attachment styles. Everybody each has their own attachment style, with the healthiest being a secure attachment.

    People with a secure attachment style generally have healthy, balanced relationships. They know how to get their needs met, or have gotten all their needs met as a growing child. They’ve been taught that their needs are important and they are not afraid to express them.

    Then there is the anxious attachment. This attachment style is a fear of abandonment and a constant need for closeness. This person may not have gotten all their needs met as a growing child. Maybe a parent has threatened to leave them if they don’t behave. Or maybe this person’s needs were ignored as a child.

    The third type of attachment style is the avoidant style. This person may not show or express feelings. They may seem cold, distant or aloof. This comes from growing up in abuse and neglect. This persons needs were not met as a child, so they’ve learned that their needs are not important. They avoid closeness and intimate discussions.

    The last attachment style is the disorganized attachment. This attachment style is associated with trauma and/or instability in childhood. People with this attachment style want closeness, but don’t know how to get it in a healthy way. They may play this “come here, go away” game (unconsciously), wanting closeness, but at the same time fearing it.

    These are just brief explanations of the four (4) attachment styles. These were first brought to my attention by my therapist. We had determined that I am avoidant AND disorganized. A little bit of both. I’ve been working harder on the avoidant, because I really have a hard time connecting with people. It almost feels like I’m completely out of my body. I’ve just been working on connecting more with my family first. A person has to start somewhere.

  • You Can’t Heal in Survival Mode

    You Can’t Heal in Survival Mode – Therapy Decoded

    I wanted to share this video with you because it’s very good to watch in explaining trauma and healing. Healing isn’t always a pretty story. Healing requires a lot of work and courage. I don’t think people really understand the depth of it, and if I hadn’t been forced into my healing journey I probably wouldn’t even be here today to tell you about it. Yes, I say forced.

    The reason I feel I was forced is because it started when I was on that meth. Even after I was clean I was still having a lot of triggers and nightmares. I don’t think I’ve had a good nights sleep in over five (5) years now.

    Sometimes running from it seems the easiest thing to do. Talking to people who are still living in their trauma is exhausting. Trying to help them through it is even more exhausting. There’s nothing I can do or say that’s going to make a person feel better when they’ve been triggered. And it seems I trigger people a lot. Usually with no intent to. I’m frank and up front. Apparently my words come out without a filter. Thus, I lose friends as fast as I lose potential relationships. But, I am learning this has to do with my avoidant attachment style.

    Avoidant behavior style? What is THAT?

    There are four (4) types attachment styles:

    1. Secure
    2. Anxious (preoccupied)
    3. Avoidant (dismissive)
    4. Disorganized (fearful-avoidant)

    I’ve been told by my therapist that I have an avoidant, dismissive attachment style. But I wonder if it’s more disorganized fearful-avoidant. I think I’m some of both.

    Avoidant (dismissive) people keep an emotional distance from people, may appear aloof and they avoid deep discussions. Now, I appreciate deep discussions. So this attachment style isn’t 100% correct. But I do keep an emotional distance from people.

    Disorganized (fearful-avoidant) sounds more accurate. I’m avoidant but sometimes seek closeness, but then I push people away.

    A healthy attachment is a secure attachment. People with a secure attachment are comfortable with both intimacy and independence, and know how to express their needs in a healthy way.

    Anyway, my therapist and I have talked on this subject several times and it’s been very revealing to me.

  • It’s True, it’s Not About Me

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    When I first got off meth, I used to take everything so personally. When I got away from that man and off the meth, I was “hyper vigilant“, (using the best word). I was paranoid of people. I didn’t know what was real and what was not. I’m trying to tell people here, this is not the drug to get messed up in. I’ve seen and heard a lot of bad things. I’ve seen people turn into someone I don’t recognize anymore. I am grateful to God every day, wondering if this was some kind of test. I don’t know if I passed.

    That drug dismantled my mental health. I know I have a diagnosis. But as time has gone on I’ve had several added. Most importantly, I suffer from Bipolar Type 2, chronic anxiety and Complex PTSD. The others I don’t want to mention cause they’re new and I don’t necessarily believe them (denial?).

    Anyway, I used to think or feel other people’s energy pretty well. I can almost say I can read your mind. And I probably would if I was close enough to you and you were willing to tell me the truth. And I understand we understand, that’s hard one.

    People don’t want to hear criticism. You can be as kind as you’re capable, but it’s never enough.

    Me and a good friend got into an argument this evening. And I didn’t even see it coming. I had forgotten about last night. But she was still holding on to it. It’s makes me question: what kind of friends are we?

    I guess I thought God brought us together to help each other become our better selves. And I continue to believe it.

  • Name Calling

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    I don’t know what got me on this topic, but I’m bringing it up, because hearing name calling is like, the most detestable thing. I can’t stand it. Why do people have to stoop to name calling? Men don’t realize that they have an impact on a woman’s mental health by their name calling. How can you possibly have an adult conversation with someone when all that comes out of their mouth is swear words and name calling? I mean, who grew up with this? This is so unhealthy to be around. But if a woman doesn’t speak up, then she’s allowing this type of abuse. Which tells me she doesn’t know or understand her worth.

    I’m here to tell every woman out there, know your worth. You don’t deserve abuse of any type. Same goes with a man who’s dealing with an abusive woman. It’s not just a “man problem”. Women can be just as abusive as a man.

    It really bothers me when a man calls a woman a “whore” or even worse, a “c***”. Any man I hear that uses those words are not of any interest to me. It’s disgusting, despicable, demeaning, hurtful and the list could go on. I’m not associating with any person who uses the most vulgar terms to describe another person. C’mon people, where is your maturity level? Where are your smarts?

    And people who laugh about it are just as condemned, in my eyes. Because I don’t see any of the name calling as “funny”. Grow up. Be mature with your words. And act like a human being. I expect this kind of behavior from teenagers, but adults should know better. It’s just hurtful.

    And I understand that not everybody has empathy. But that’s a topic for another day. Thus ends my rant of the day.

  • Triggers

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    I used to be easily triggered by people, but not so much anymore. First of all, I avoid anything or anyone that I feel is going to be a trigger. I know that’s not the best answer to the problem, but it’s the best answer I have right now. I know a time is going to come when I have to face these triggers. And I’ve decided it may take a year, as I work my way through DBT first. I tried doing EMDR, with two (2) different therapists, but I learned I wasn’t ready to work on that. I wasn’t, or am not at this point, ready to deal with these salty memories.

    I’ve tried several relationships, several friendships, and even just dealing with my own family (outside of my immediate family I’m living with). Nothing good has come out of any of these trials. They all bring about immediate stress for me. Nobody I’ve tried to deal with has worked on their own trauma, so everything I try to say to them or talk to them about feels like I’m scratching my finger nails on a chalkboard. Nobody wants to hear, learn or grow. I guess it is what it is.

    I get easily triggered in relationships. And when I get triggered I run. As is the case with just friendships. As is the case with family.

    Triggers come in many forms. Words, smells, emotions, etc. I am not completely healed of triggers. They even pop up in my dreams.

    How to explain a trigger can be difficult. And definitely difficult for the other person who has no clue what you’ve been through. This is probably the most frustrating part for me. Because people can do or say things that are triggering, and they don’t even realize it. Or I get triggered and don’t even realize that’s what’s going on myself. I just know I’ve gotta run. Certain phrases trigger me. Certain smells trigger me. As well, certain sounds can trigger me.

    I have a terrible problem with isolating. This has more to do with being triggered out in the public. So I prefer to stay close to home, in my room. I get anxious when I know I’m going to be away from home for a night. Dealing with people can be exhausting, because I am so easily triggered. It’s overwhelming sometimes. I definitely need more help in this area. But so far, avoidance is the best option right now.