Trauma Healing

Personal Experience Healing from Trauma

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Healing from trauma is a lifetime of work and dedication. Hi, my name is Cindy. I have started this blog to be more like a diary. I share my thoughts and experiences and joys so that I may touch just one heart out there. I won’t claim to know it all, as I am not a doctor. But what this is will be my own experience of trauma and recovery. And maybe a friend whom can share their wisdom as well. We are all walking this same journey in life. But all of our paths are different. I believe in oneness. I believe we are connected. Trauma doesn’t have to be huge to be trauma. Just being born can be a traumatic experience. Let’s talk about this and see where it goes.

  • Being Fearful

    About thirty (30) minutes ago I was wondering why God was putting me through the things he was, and it all has to be done at the same time.

    My current job is not working out. I’ve been there four (4) plus years. But in order for me to accel in my job it has to be a morning shift. I notice I get more anxiety in the afternoon. So bad, that I get sick. And end up calling in sick. It gives me too much time to think of work before work. I put this suggestion in and was ignored, so I’m now starting at a new home, with totally different people.

    I’m trusting God on this one. Only He knows what’s going on here and who is learning what. Most likely me. As I have so much to learn. But I also believe that through the discomfort, I am a very valuable person to God. I’ve got something to show. And that is what I keep my mind on. Instead of being fearful.

    It’s hard, starting with a new client and moving into an apartment pretty soon. At the same time. God is teaching me something. Maybe I’ve been too…. Arrogant with change. Acting like it’s easier that it really is.

    I’m actually afraid to move. I’m afraid I’m going to fail. But at the same time, I wonder, “maybe this is why all of my friends were removed from my life?”. Clean slate, what’s it really like?

  • I See You

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    I’m getting so used to be alone. I mean, I like being around people, but I have this gift, that everybody despises. I can see right through BS. And people don’t like that. I don’t even like it. That’s why I take my medication. It drowns out the truth.

    I’ve had a lot of people come and go in my life. They stay just long enough, till I say something that makes them angry, then they leave me. It’s not a big deal, I’m getting used to it. It just goes to show who has matured emotionally and who has not.

    But I don’t blame anybody. I know everybody has unresolved trauma they are trying to live through. And I know that their trauma is being taken out on me. It’s okay. I’m sure I’ve done that too. And I’m sure it was never intentional.

    What I really get a kick out of is someone will tell me I’m nuts, but if you look at the whole basket we’re all nuts. Some people just admit it and some do not. But it always shows up in their behaviors. I don’t talk much in crowds, but I do observe. I’m starting to realize that I need to just keep things to myself. Or stay alone. I think I’ll pick the later of the two. I’m not good at keeping my mouth shut when I hear something that just doesn’t sound right.

    Normally, it’s something bad I’ll hear about somebody, or gossip. I tend to stick up for the little guy. It’s just in my nature. And I may not know all the facts, but I do know what Jesus taught, and that was to show kindness to everybody. So, that’s what I go with. Just because I choose to show kindness doesn’t mean I’m excusing anybody’s behavior. But giving the silent treatment to somebody who is already giving you the silent treatment, I don’t understand this. How does this solve anything?

    It’s like the video I displayed in another post, you can’t heal if you’re living in it. And thank the good Lord I am free. It takes being removed from a situation before a person really realizes, “Yeah, that was bad”.

    Throughout my life I’ve….”been through things”. A lot of it not quite so good. But like I said in another post, I’ve learned and I’ve grown from it. And it’s making me more… aware(?).

  • New Habits

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    I don’t think I will ever understand people. I can’t even understand myself at times. But God is teaching me. I know the difference between empathy and enabling. I also believe what Jesus says in the Bible, that we should show compassion to all people, regardless of what they’re doing. I’ve been taught not to stoop down to the devil’s level.

    During this last round with trauma I can say that I am getting better. Quite a few of my symptoms still linger, but for the most part I’ve been feeling like my old self again. Not that life was better before, I’m simply pointing out that the things that used to trigger me so much has diminished. For some reason my birthday of 2023 opened a floodgate of healing for me. It was like it just came out of nowhere. I woke up and it was like a spell had been broken.

    But God is still teaching me. Teaching me things about my childhood that I never thought of before. Like, showing empathy for my family (outside my home). I’ve been angry at my mother for a very long time. And for various reasons. The top reason at this time is, though she has apologized, nothing has changed. This is what really gets to me. I don’t think she’s even capable of changing at this point. But, she did apologize. And we haven’t spoken since. I can’t help but wonder if this apology had something to do with my youngest sister. I know she’s been needing rides. And that’s normally the only time I hear from my mother. But after her apology I guess I didn’t say enough, or did not say the right words she was hoping to hear.

    God has also been showing me that the “friends” I’ve been hanging out with are not mentally or emotionally well. And people think I have problems. Which I do. I just can’t handle the constant drama some people bring to the table with them. And I’m supposed to just shut up and eat my dinner (reminds me of eating supper with my dad).

    Every day is a new day for growth. But not everybody wants to grow. Most people don’t want things to change, even if some of those things are not good or healthy for them. But none of this really matters. Jesus is coming, and when he does we will all pay the price for our deeds done. Good or bad. I’m not afraid either. I feel I’ve done my best and I will continue to do my best on my healing journey, until God says it’s time to go home.

  • Life’s Purpose

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    I struggle a lot from day to day, wondering what my purpose is and why I’m going through the things I’m going through at the same time.

    I’ve been offered an apartment. I haven’t been on my own in five (5) years. This is actually a little scary for me, I’ve been protected for so long. Not only that but I’m doing it all alone. Just my family. All of my friends have deserted me because of my “bad attitude” I guess.

    No, it’s not a bad attitude. I just see things differently than other people. I call things the way I see them, and people can’t handle that. I don’t care. Well, I do, but I’ve got to just let things go. I am learning a lot about people and myself. I’m learning about clicks. And I’m learning that it doesn’t matter how devoted I am to a job it’s never good enough. For them. I can’t wait to move on.

    Some of me is angry. Because I have put forth so much effort. But it’s just a job. I need to remember this. And people are going to do what they’re going to do.

    People don’t realize the crap I have over them. And I can’t wait to move on. People hurt me, then blame me for hurting them. It’s a preposterous game play and it’s just old. I’ve had enough of the games. I’m fifty-five (55) years old and I don’t have time to play these foolish games. If people can’t accept me for who I am why don’t they just move on?

  • Attachment Styles

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    In my last post I touched on the four (4) attachment styles. Everybody each has their own attachment style, with the healthiest being a secure attachment.

    People with a secure attachment style generally have healthy, balanced relationships. They know how to get their needs met, or have gotten all their needs met as a growing child. They’ve been taught that their needs are important and they are not afraid to express them.

    Then there is the anxious attachment. This attachment style is a fear of abandonment and a constant need for closeness. This person may not have gotten all their needs met as a growing child. Maybe a parent has threatened to leave them if they don’t behave. Or maybe this person’s needs were ignored as a child.

    The third type of attachment style is the avoidant style. This person may not show or express feelings. They may seem cold, distant or aloof. This comes from growing up in abuse and neglect. This persons needs were not met as a child, so they’ve learned that their needs are not important. They avoid closeness and intimate discussions.

    The last attachment style is the disorganized attachment. This attachment style is associated with trauma and/or instability in childhood. People with this attachment style want closeness, but don’t know how to get it in a healthy way. They may play this “come here, go away” game (unconsciously), wanting closeness, but at the same time fearing it.

    These are just brief explanations of the four (4) attachment styles. These were first brought to my attention by my therapist. We had determined that I am avoidant AND disorganized. A little bit of both. I’ve been working harder on the avoidant, because I really have a hard time connecting with people. It almost feels like I’m completely out of my body. I’ve just been working on connecting more with my family first. A person has to start somewhere.

  • You Can’t Heal in Survival Mode

    You Can’t Heal in Survival Mode – Therapy Decoded

    I wanted to share this video with you because it’s very good to watch in explaining trauma and healing. Healing isn’t always a pretty story. Healing requires a lot of work and courage. I don’t think people really understand the depth of it, and if I hadn’t been forced into my healing journey I probably wouldn’t even be here today to tell you about it. Yes, I say forced.

    The reason I feel I was forced is because it started when I was on that meth. Even after I was clean I was still having a lot of triggers and nightmares. I don’t think I’ve had a good nights sleep in over five (5) years now.

    Sometimes running from it seems the easiest thing to do. Talking to people who are still living in their trauma is exhausting. Trying to help them through it is even more exhausting. There’s nothing I can do or say that’s going to make a person feel better when they’ve been triggered. And it seems I trigger people a lot. Usually with no intent to. I’m frank and up front. Apparently my words come out without a filter. Thus, I lose friends as fast as I lose potential relationships. But, I am learning this has to do with my avoidant attachment style.

    Avoidant behavior style? What is THAT?

    There are four (4) types attachment styles:

    1. Secure
    2. Anxious (preoccupied)
    3. Avoidant (dismissive)
    4. Disorganized (fearful-avoidant)

    I’ve been told by my therapist that I have an avoidant, dismissive attachment style. But I wonder if it’s more disorganized fearful-avoidant. I think I’m some of both.

    Avoidant (dismissive) people keep an emotional distance from people, may appear aloof and they avoid deep discussions. Now, I appreciate deep discussions. So this attachment style isn’t 100% correct. But I do keep an emotional distance from people.

    Disorganized (fearful-avoidant) sounds more accurate. I’m avoidant but sometimes seek closeness, but then I push people away.

    A healthy attachment is a secure attachment. People with a secure attachment are comfortable with both intimacy and independence, and know how to express their needs in a healthy way.

    Anyway, my therapist and I have talked on this subject several times and it’s been very revealing to me.

  • It’s True, it’s Not About Me

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    When I first got off meth, I used to take everything so personally. When I got away from that man and off the meth, I was “hyper vigilant“, (using the best word). I was paranoid of people. I didn’t know what was real and what was not. I’m trying to tell people here, this is not the drug to get messed up in. I’ve seen and heard a lot of bad things. I’ve seen people turn into someone I don’t recognize anymore. I am grateful to God every day, wondering if this was some kind of test. I don’t know if I passed.

    That drug dismantled my mental health. I know I have a diagnosis. But as time has gone on I’ve had several added. Most importantly, I suffer from Bipolar Type 2, chronic anxiety and Complex PTSD. The others I don’t want to mention cause they’re new and I don’t necessarily believe them (denial?).

    Anyway, I used to think or feel other people’s energy pretty well. I can almost say I can read your mind. And I probably would if I was close enough to you and you were willing to tell me the truth. And I understand we understand, that’s hard one.

    People don’t want to hear criticism. You can be as kind as you’re capable, but it’s never enough.

    Me and a good friend got into an argument this evening. And I didn’t even see it coming. I had forgotten about last night. But she was still holding on to it. It’s makes me question: what kind of friends are we?

    I guess I thought God brought us together to help each other become our better selves. And I continue to believe it.

  • Name Calling

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    I don’t know what got me on this topic, but I’m bringing it up, because hearing name calling is like, the most detestable thing. I can’t stand it. Why do people have to stoop to name calling? Men don’t realize that they have an impact on a woman’s mental health by their name calling. How can you possibly have an adult conversation with someone when all that comes out of their mouth is swear words and name calling? I mean, who grew up with this? This is so unhealthy to be around. But if a woman doesn’t speak up, then she’s allowing this type of abuse. Which tells me she doesn’t know or understand her worth.

    I’m here to tell every woman out there, know your worth. You don’t deserve abuse of any type. Same goes with a man who’s dealing with an abusive woman. It’s not just a “man problem”. Women can be just as abusive as a man.

    It really bothers me when a man calls a woman a “whore” or even worse, a “c***”. Any man I hear that uses those words are not of any interest to me. It’s disgusting, despicable, demeaning, hurtful and the list could go on. I’m not associating with any person who uses the most vulgar terms to describe another person. C’mon people, where is your maturity level? Where are your smarts?

    And people who laugh about it are just as condemned, in my eyes. Because I don’t see any of the name calling as “funny”. Grow up. Be mature with your words. And act like a human being. I expect this kind of behavior from teenagers, but adults should know better. It’s just hurtful.

    And I understand that not everybody has empathy. But that’s a topic for another day. Thus ends my rant of the day.

  • Triggers

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    I used to be easily triggered by people, but not so much anymore. First of all, I avoid anything or anyone that I feel is going to be a trigger. I know that’s not the best answer to the problem, but it’s the best answer I have right now. I know a time is going to come when I have to face these triggers. And I’ve decided it may take a year, as I work my way through DBT first. I tried doing EMDR, with two (2) different therapists, but I learned I wasn’t ready to work on that. I wasn’t, or am not at this point, ready to deal with these salty memories.

    I’ve tried several relationships, several friendships, and even just dealing with my own family (outside of my immediate family I’m living with). Nothing good has come out of any of these trials. They all bring about immediate stress for me. Nobody I’ve tried to deal with has worked on their own trauma, so everything I try to say to them or talk to them about feels like I’m scratching my finger nails on a chalkboard. Nobody wants to hear, learn or grow. I guess it is what it is.

    I get easily triggered in relationships. And when I get triggered I run. As is the case with just friendships. As is the case with family.

    Triggers come in many forms. Words, smells, emotions, etc. I am not completely healed of triggers. They even pop up in my dreams.

    How to explain a trigger can be difficult. And definitely difficult for the other person who has no clue what you’ve been through. This is probably the most frustrating part for me. Because people can do or say things that are triggering, and they don’t even realize it. Or I get triggered and don’t even realize that’s what’s going on myself. I just know I’ve gotta run. Certain phrases trigger me. Certain smells trigger me. As well, certain sounds can trigger me.

    I have a terrible problem with isolating. This has more to do with being triggered out in the public. So I prefer to stay close to home, in my room. I get anxious when I know I’m going to be away from home for a night. Dealing with people can be exhausting, because I am so easily triggered. It’s overwhelming sometimes. I definitely need more help in this area. But so far, avoidance is the best option right now.

  • What About Coping Skills

    The Elder Scrolls: Kyrim Tarot Deck

    When I was in the start and the worst of my healing journey I began coping by shuffling tarot cards and reading tarot cards twenty-four (24) hours a day, seven (7) days a week. I didn’t know what else to do. Back then I was in a drug induced psychosis. I thought tarot readers on YouTube were talking specifically to me. I was in a very vulnerable state. The person I was seeing at that time was the persuasion into YouTube tarot watching. It was by him that I was introduced to meth. I still look back and scratch my head about it. I didn’t know. I was pretty gullible and naive. It wasn’t until I was into it about three (3) months when this person told me specifically what it was. But by that time I was already addicted and couldn’t get off of it on my own. I tried several times, but my anxiety kept bringing me back to it. Finally, when I had had enough of the delusions I went into treatment. I wanted to prove to people that what was going on was real. And the only way I could prove it to people is getting clean. It took me several treatment centers before I finally graduated the last one. I’ve been clean from that drug for over five (5) years now and I praise God for that daily. Not everybody gets off the drug. It becomes their every day existence. And that is very sad.

    That two (2) year binge on that drug was the worst time of my life. I was taken advantage of a lot. And the manipulation I was going through is unexplainable. I was isolated from my family. I had a hard time determining what was real and what was not. In my heart of hearts I know that man messed with my head. How much though, he has never admitted to. Yet he can admit to doing the same things to two (2) other women.

    Five (5) years later, I’ve finally gotten that habit of shuffling cards out of my brain. It’s probably been two (2) years since I quit the constant shuffling and have moved on to more soothing behaviors, like going for a walk, listening to meditation music or reading my Bible. Finding new habits to rid myself of the old behaviors. We all have to start somewhere.

    Oh, and by the way, when I was done with treatment the YouTube tarot readers were no longer talking to me. The only thing I proved was that my family was right. I was in a drug induced psychosis. I often wonder why none of my using friends (or people I was hanging around at that time) never told me. 🤨

  • Talk Therapy

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    It’s hard for me, when I see an easier way and I try to approach it to them, but they get angry that I’m showing them an easier way.

    I am nowhere near healed from my trauma. I am fifty-five (55) years old and I just started on my journey…… I would say, ….when I was …. 48 years old. Though the beginning of my journey looks no where near how it looks now. I’m older. I’m colder. I hate to say that word, but it’s the only word I can come up with that is truthful. I have really just turned into a cold b****. And I’m angry about it. People say “pray about it”, “Give it to God”, etc. But something inside me keeps hanging on. And I don’t know why.

    What it is, is poor self talk. When you isolate yourself from people that leaves you extremely vulnerable when you actually ARE around people. Because you don’t know how to react. Or respect or understand some of their words, or what their jokes really mean.

    A lot of people have narcissistic traits, but not everybody has narcissistic personality disorder. As a matter of fact, we all have narcissistic traits, but that doesn’t mean we all have narcissistic personality disorder.

    I have …or had friends with this disorder. It’s amazing how many people you run into that have this disorder, or, if nothing else, some traits. Even I do. But something I have learned about people is nobody really wants to know the truth. They want to stay stuck in their own truth, and sometimes, that truth is actually hurtful.

    I don’t know how many times I have to stress how we are all connected. And when one person rocks the boat we all feel it. Some more than others because it depends on how closely connected you are to the one that caused the rift. So yeah, can you see this in your mind?

  • Healing Isn’t Always Pretty

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    I’ve spent an enormous amount of time being angry at my perpetrator(s). The most recent one for sure. I’ve been angry, hoping God will reach him and teach him. And just when I feel like I’ve finally got my “vengeance”, he gets off with a slap on the wrist. What’s a person to feel about that?

    I finally just had to let go. All this anger I was holding inside was eating me up alive. So, I finally had to find a way to make my own peace out of the situation. This person burned me bad. I still have troubles with relationships, mainly due to him.

    But I can’t blame all of my relationship troubles on him. I was dealing with trauma long before he came around. I just didn’t recognize it before. And I think he was the person that opened the floodgates of the past for me. Things that I had trapped inside of me all came out eventually.

    Perhaps God feels this person has received his dues. Perhaps what he’s going through is more than I imagined. Only God knows. So with this thought, I’ve moved on.

    Trauma comes in so many forms. And people all handle their trauma differently. Some people aren’t affected at all and are able to bounce right back with resilience. Still others, trauma can haunt them for their entire life. They live in it, daily, most times not even aware. Or maybe are aware and just aren’t ready to deal with it. So it keeps getting stuffed. Maybe with alcohol, drugs, food, etc. Until a person can recognize that this trauma is affecting their life they just live on auto pilot, until something big happens to open their eyes. And sometimes it’s God whom opens their eyes. When all friendships and relationships fall apart every time. Even struggling with family. Whatever it is, something usually happens to bring this past garbage to the surface. So now what?

    Talk therapy is a good start. Talking to friends or family doesn’t always work, because sometimes people just don’t want to hear the same thing brought up over and over again. That’s why I say talk therapy is a great start. Hey, this person gets paid to listen to the same stuff over and over, until you’ve completely talked it out. Talking about it helps tremendously. And I’m not afraid to admit that I tell all my troubles to my therapist. I can trust her, when I don’t trust anybody else.

  • Finding a therapist

    Cyn: Quotes Creator

    When I say, “Not every therapist is a good therapist”, I don’t mean there are bad therapist’s out there. I just mean not every one works for everyone. You need to be choosy. Find out what their specialties are. Read reviews. Give them at least four (4) sessions before determining if they are a fit for you.

    I am extremely grateful for my therapist. We have been working together for five (5) years now. I’ve learned more from her in five (5) years than I’ve learned from anybody else, and I’ve been in therapy on and off since I was seventeen (17) years old, in some shape or fashion. And I do believe in talk therapy. Though, I should point out that individual talk therapy is not always enough. You need to practice new coping skills, often determined in therapy or DBT therapy. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I’ll be starting this next week. I plan on showing up with an open mind in hopes of learning something. What’s the best about it is my therapist runs the DBT class, so it won’t be like starting over with another therapist.

    I know very little about DBT, other than it’s supposed to challenge and help you get rid of old behaviors that no longer serve you and replace them with new behaviors that are more healthy. I will let you all know what I learn in my first session.

  • The Black Sheep

    Cyn:Quotes Creator

    True statement. I am so used to being blamed for everything. I believe they call that the “Black Sheep” of the family. And it’s true, I was definitely the black sheep. The one that would not conform to the family dysfunction. The one who had the biggest mouth. The one who told anybody that would listen. But back in my day, they (the teachers), never wanted to get involved. I can think of one teacher in particular, whom I confided in, but she never said a word. So I learned to live in the dysfunction. But it didn’t stop my mouth from speaking up.

    Both my parents were horrible to me. I won’t go into details right now, but they made it well known in their behavior and attitude towards me. I thought maybe my mother would be my defender, but in all actuality, she was the instigator for the beatings from my dad.

    Not that I was a perfect child. I rebelled. Rebelled against the dysfunction in our home. And for rebelling I was “grounded” quite often. But it never stopped me from speaking up.

    I read somewhere that the “black sheep” is considered the outcast. I remember as a child my mother getting mad at me for eating sugar out of the sugar bowl. She wanted to beat my a**, but she couldn’t catch me. So she had all my brothers and sister chase me down as I was running into the fields, away from her. My siblings did eventually catch me for her, and well, the rest is history locked in my “I can’t remember” box in my brain. I remember being chased and caught. But I don’t remember what happened after that. This is probably a memory to be discussed with my EMDR therapist, if that appointment pops up in the near future. But I don’t think so. My therapist started me in DBT therapy, which is a one (1) year commitment. So…. Maybe in a year I’ll be ready to face these memories and continue with EMDR.

  • Don’t Take Things so personally

    Cyn:Quotes Creator

    There is absolute truth to this statement. I used to be overly sensitive to words and actions, but since I realized I needed to heal, and what I was experiencing from other people were actually triggers to my trauma, I began to change my reactions to their behavior. I used to feel like people were judging me and comparing my crappy life to their own happy life. But that wasn’t the case at all. I think it was ME comparing my life to others and wishing my life was easier.

    Well, what I thought was crappy was actually Complex PTSD symptoms creeping out into my friendships and relationships, as well as my family relationships. I began working on this area with my therapist, and after many years of talk therapy, I did notice it alleviate a lot of my complex PTSD symptoms. But this took about five (5) years of therapy to get where I am today.

    Now, I can firmly say that I no longer feel like the world is against me. I’ve learned that not everybody has this huge desire to talk about me, because I actually don’t have much of a life for anybody to talk about. Ohhh, I still have some “haters” out there. But that’s only because I have set boundaries. And some people don’t like that. Mainly the people who I allowed to push me around are the ones complaining about my boundaries. But I don’t care. It’s my way of keeping myself safe from any further harm.

    And don’t get me wrong when I say I’ve healed. That doesn’t mean I’m 100% better. There is still a lot of healing to be had. But in this particular situation I feel I’ve moved past my “fear” of people, to some extent. And I no longer wish my life was different.