Trauma Healing

Personal Experience Healing from Trauma

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Healing from trauma is a lifetime of work and dedication. Hi, my name is Cindy. I have started this blog to be more like a diary. I share my thoughts and experiences and joys so that I may touch just one heart out there. I won’t claim to know it all, as I am not a doctor. But what this is will be my own experience of trauma and recovery. And maybe a friend whom can share their wisdom as well. We are all walking this same journey in life. But all of our paths are different. I believe in oneness. I believe we are connected. Trauma doesn’t have to be huge to be trauma. Just being born can be a traumatic experience. Let’s talk about this and see where it goes.

  • What About Coping Skills

    The Elder Scrolls: Kyrim Tarot Deck

    When I was in the start and the worst of my healing journey I began coping by shuffling tarot cards and reading tarot cards twenty-four (24) hours a day, seven (7) days a week. I didn’t know what else to do. Back then I was in a drug induced psychosis. I thought tarot readers on YouTube were talking specifically to me. I was in a very vulnerable state. The person I was seeing at that time was the persuasion into YouTube tarot watching. It was by him that I was introduced to meth. I still look back and scratch my head about it. I didn’t know. I was pretty gullible and naive. It wasn’t until I was into it about three (3) months when this person told me specifically what it was. But by that time I was already addicted and couldn’t get off of it on my own. I tried several times, but my anxiety kept bringing me back to it. Finally, when I had had enough of the delusions I went into treatment. I wanted to prove to people that what was going on was real. And the only way I could prove it to people is getting clean. It took me several treatment centers before I finally graduated the last one. I’ve been clean from that drug for over five (5) years now and I praise God for that daily. Not everybody gets off the drug. It becomes their every day existence. And that is very sad.

    That two (2) year binge on that drug was the worst time of my life. I was taken advantage of a lot. And the manipulation I was going through is unexplainable. I was isolated from my family. I had a hard time determining what was real and what was not. In my heart of hearts I know that man messed with my head. How much though, he has never admitted to. Yet he can admit to doing the same things to two (2) other women.

    Five (5) years later, I’ve finally gotten that habit of shuffling cards out of my brain. It’s probably been two (2) years since I quit the constant shuffling and have moved on to more soothing behaviors, like going for a walk, listening to meditation music or reading my Bible. Finding new habits to rid myself of the old behaviors. We all have to start somewhere.

    Oh, and by the way, when I was done with treatment the YouTube tarot readers were no longer talking to me. The only thing I proved was that my family was right. I was in a drug induced psychosis. I often wonder why none of my using friends (or people I was hanging around at that time) never told me. 🤨

  • Talk Therapy

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    It’s hard for me, when I see an easier way and I try to approach it to them, but they get angry that I’m showing them an easier way.

    I am nowhere near healed from my trauma. I am fifty-five (55) years old and I just started on my journey…… I would say, ….when I was …. 48 years old. Though the beginning of my journey looks no where near how it looks now. I’m older. I’m colder. I hate to say that word, but it’s the only word I can come up with that is truthful. I have really just turned into a cold b****. And I’m angry about it. People say “pray about it”, “Give it to God”, etc. But something inside me keeps hanging on. And I don’t know why.

    What it is, is poor self talk. When you isolate yourself from people that leaves you extremely vulnerable when you actually ARE around people. Because you don’t know how to react. Or respect or understand some of their words, or what their jokes really mean.

    A lot of people have narcissistic traits, but not everybody has narcissistic personality disorder. As a matter of fact, we all have narcissistic traits, but that doesn’t mean we all have narcissistic personality disorder.

    I have …or had friends with this disorder. It’s amazing how many people you run into that have this disorder, or, if nothing else, some traits. Even I do. But something I have learned about people is nobody really wants to know the truth. They want to stay stuck in their own truth, and sometimes, that truth is actually hurtful.

    I don’t know how many times I have to stress how we are all connected. And when one person rocks the boat we all feel it. Some more than others because it depends on how closely connected you are to the one that caused the rift. So yeah, can you see this in your mind?

  • Healing Isn’t Always Pretty

    Cyng: Quotes Creator

    I’ve spent an enormous amount of time being angry at my perpetrator(s). The most recent one for sure. I’ve been angry, hoping God will reach him and teach him. And just when I feel like I’ve finally got my “vengeance”, he gets off with a slap on the wrist. What’s a person to feel about that?

    I finally just had to let go. All this anger I was holding inside was eating me up alive. So, I finally had to find a way to make my own peace out of the situation. This person burned me bad. I still have troubles with relationships, mainly due to him.

    But I can’t blame all of my relationship troubles on him. I was dealing with trauma long before he came around. I just didn’t recognize it before. And I think he was the person that opened the floodgates of the past for me. Things that I had trapped inside of me all came out eventually.

    Perhaps God feels this person has received his dues. Perhaps what he’s going through is more than I imagined. Only God knows. So with this thought, I’ve moved on.

    Trauma comes in so many forms. And people all handle their trauma differently. Some people aren’t affected at all and are able to bounce right back with resilience. Still others, trauma can haunt them for their entire life. They live in it, daily, most times not even aware. Or maybe are aware and just aren’t ready to deal with it. So it keeps getting stuffed. Maybe with alcohol, drugs, food, etc. Until a person can recognize that this trauma is affecting their life they just live on auto pilot, until something big happens to open their eyes. And sometimes it’s God whom opens their eyes. When all friendships and relationships fall apart every time. Even struggling with family. Whatever it is, something usually happens to bring this past garbage to the surface. So now what?

    Talk therapy is a good start. Talking to friends or family doesn’t always work, because sometimes people just don’t want to hear the same thing brought up over and over again. That’s why I say talk therapy is a great start. Hey, this person gets paid to listen to the same stuff over and over, until you’ve completely talked it out. Talking about it helps tremendously. And I’m not afraid to admit that I tell all my troubles to my therapist. I can trust her, when I don’t trust anybody else.

  • Finding a therapist

    Cyn: Quotes Creator

    When I say, “Not every therapist is a good therapist”, I don’t mean there are bad therapist’s out there. I just mean not every one works for everyone. You need to be choosy. Find out what their specialties are. Read reviews. Give them at least four (4) sessions before determining if they are a fit for you.

    I am extremely grateful for my therapist. We have been working together for five (5) years now. I’ve learned more from her in five (5) years than I’ve learned from anybody else, and I’ve been in therapy on and off since I was seventeen (17) years old, in some shape or fashion. And I do believe in talk therapy. Though, I should point out that individual talk therapy is not always enough. You need to practice new coping skills, often determined in therapy or DBT therapy. DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I’ll be starting this next week. I plan on showing up with an open mind in hopes of learning something. What’s the best about it is my therapist runs the DBT class, so it won’t be like starting over with another therapist.

    I know very little about DBT, other than it’s supposed to challenge and help you get rid of old behaviors that no longer serve you and replace them with new behaviors that are more healthy. I will let you all know what I learn in my first session.

  • The Black Sheep

    Cyn:Quotes Creator

    True statement. I am so used to being blamed for everything. I believe they call that the “Black Sheep” of the family. And it’s true, I was definitely the black sheep. The one that would not conform to the family dysfunction. The one who had the biggest mouth. The one who told anybody that would listen. But back in my day, they (the teachers), never wanted to get involved. I can think of one teacher in particular, whom I confided in, but she never said a word. So I learned to live in the dysfunction. But it didn’t stop my mouth from speaking up.

    Both my parents were horrible to me. I won’t go into details right now, but they made it well known in their behavior and attitude towards me. I thought maybe my mother would be my defender, but in all actuality, she was the instigator for the beatings from my dad.

    Not that I was a perfect child. I rebelled. Rebelled against the dysfunction in our home. And for rebelling I was “grounded” quite often. But it never stopped me from speaking up.

    I read somewhere that the “black sheep” is considered the outcast. I remember as a child my mother getting mad at me for eating sugar out of the sugar bowl. She wanted to beat my a**, but she couldn’t catch me. So she had all my brothers and sister chase me down as I was running into the fields, away from her. My siblings did eventually catch me for her, and well, the rest is history locked in my “I can’t remember” box in my brain. I remember being chased and caught. But I don’t remember what happened after that. This is probably a memory to be discussed with my EMDR therapist, if that appointment pops up in the near future. But I don’t think so. My therapist started me in DBT therapy, which is a one (1) year commitment. So…. Maybe in a year I’ll be ready to face these memories and continue with EMDR.

  • Don’t Take Things so personally

    Cyn:Quotes Creator

    There is absolute truth to this statement. I used to be overly sensitive to words and actions, but since I realized I needed to heal, and what I was experiencing from other people were actually triggers to my trauma, I began to change my reactions to their behavior. I used to feel like people were judging me and comparing my crappy life to their own happy life. But that wasn’t the case at all. I think it was ME comparing my life to others and wishing my life was easier.

    Well, what I thought was crappy was actually Complex PTSD symptoms creeping out into my friendships and relationships, as well as my family relationships. I began working on this area with my therapist, and after many years of talk therapy, I did notice it alleviate a lot of my complex PTSD symptoms. But this took about five (5) years of therapy to get where I am today.

    Now, I can firmly say that I no longer feel like the world is against me. I’ve learned that not everybody has this huge desire to talk about me, because I actually don’t have much of a life for anybody to talk about. Ohhh, I still have some “haters” out there. But that’s only because I have set boundaries. And some people don’t like that. Mainly the people who I allowed to push me around are the ones complaining about my boundaries. But I don’t care. It’s my way of keeping myself safe from any further harm.

    And don’t get me wrong when I say I’ve healed. That doesn’t mean I’m 100% better. There is still a lot of healing to be had. But in this particular situation I feel I’ve moved past my “fear” of people, to some extent. And I no longer wish my life was different.

  • Moving on: Friday 8-22-2025 4:45am

    Cyn: Quotes Creator

    My first post, early in the morning. I’m a bit rusty at this. Been a long time since I’ve written in a blog. Back then I had so much to talk about with my delirium behavior. But seven (7) long years and I’m actually healing. Not just physically, but mentally/spiritually and emotionally. I’m almost back to the “old Cindy”. Back to who I really am. My authentic self.

    I used to have a lot to say, when I was “Bipolar-.Period”. But thank the great God those days are over. I was not myself. Dabbling into drugs made me into somebody I was not. What you saw in the past was a pathetic woman attempting to become somebody, with the use of drugs. Well, that didn’t work and I spent two years in fear. Fear of my own doing. I can shake it from my brain, but it’s still there, lurking in my subconscious. And as long as it still lurks, then I guess I still have more healing to do in that area. But I’m far better than I had been seven (7) years ago.

    Most of my healing has been done alone. In silence. With nobody around for distractions. Some was and is still done with the help of a therapist. Regardless of how it happened, it did. And I can’t say that I am 100% better, but running close. Always running just close. I don’t think a person completely runs into healing until their great creator takes them home. In the meantime we just use our coping skills to survive this tough world. Sometimes those coping skills are beneficial and sometimes they no longer serve you. Then it’s time to move on.

    I’ve still got a lot of new coping skills to learn. I still use my old, but they no longer serve me and need to be tossed aside for new skills; healthy skills. And as I learn them I will try to pass them on. As it says in the Bible, I’m still running the race. It’s not over yet.

  • Hello World!

    Welcome to WordPress! And welcome to my blog!